Quarantine and Family Arguments

Many parents, who have teenagers, often encounter power struggles with their teenager. Typically the power struggle occurs because the teenager disagrees with the limits their parents are setting. Many parents get frustrated by the power struggles, but teenagers at times enjoy the power struggle. If they get their parents into an argument most parents forget the main point of the discussion and the teenager wins.

This is the situation which occurs in normal life. However, we are not living during normal times. We are dealing with a pandemic and a majority of our Country is on quarantine. In California the initial quarantine period was three weeks, however now the date has been extended to May 1st. By this time many families are tired of bing house bound and it is easy for siblings to start fighting with each other and for parents to be losing their patience with the kids fighting and complaining they are bored.

At this point, it is important for parents to remember that a teenager’s brain is not fully developed. The prefrontal cortex is still developing in teenagers. This part of the brain is responsible for reasoning and other executive functions such as making decisions. Therefore, while teenagers look mature enough to have a reasonable conversation with, their brains may not be mature enough. To put it another way, you are not debating the house rules regarding the quarantine with a 16 year old, you are debating the rules with a fifth grader in terms of their emotional development. Therefore, they are more likely to argue and to be disrespectful. However, an argument is not always bad. There are ways to have a healthy arguments and avoid destructive, hurtful arguments. Most of us never learned how the have a healthy, reasonable disagreement. Many people may think this idea is crazy, but it’s not.

Many people feel that a disagreement or fight is always is a bad thing for a relationship. However, this is not true. Especially now, with everyone being locked up together there are bound to be things that irritate everyone. Instead of ignoring these issues until everyone is screaming and yelling. It is better to address these issues in a healthy manner and lower everyone’s stress level. Besides lowering the stress level in the house, you are modeling for your teenager how to have a reasonable discussion about differences of opinions without having to say hurtful things to each other.

As I stated above, parents who are dealing with teenagers and children need to remember that for teenagers and childrens their Frontal Lobes in their brains are still developing. Therefore, they cannot always reason like adults and often have difficulties having fair disagreements. This is one of the reasons fair fighting was developed. I have included a list by TherapyAid.com which explains fair fighting rules.

Yes this might sound odd, but you can have a disagreement that is fair. You do not always need to use insults or not listen to each other. By using these rules, you and your teenager may be able to resolve an issue or at least come to an understanding without saying things that will hurt one another. You can also teach your children how to use these rules with each other. This should help reduce fighting between siblings.

Parents what I suggest is that you sit down with these rules with your family and discuss that you would like to start to using these rules in your family. Explain that the quarantine is difficult on everyone and these rules can help make this time a little easier. DTake the time and go over each rule so you both understand the rules. Also make a copy for yourself to keep, your teen to keep and a copy to put on the refrigerator to remind everyone. Remember, these rules will be a change for both of you so don’t be surprised if it takes you some time to get use to these rules and use them on a regular basis. Change usually never occurs over night and some people have difficulty with change.

While these rules are beneficial for parents and teenagers, these rules are also useful for couples too. Very few people in our society were brought up learning how to clearly communicate. Just look at how many arguments occur due to miscommunication if you need proof. For couples I would recommend the same steps as parents and teens. First sit down and go over the rules so you both have the same understanding of the rules and keep a copy for yourselves. The next time you have a disagreement practice using these rules. Keep practicing until you become comfortable using these rules. This way the entire family can start using these rules and hopefully improve communication within the family.

Fair Fighting Rules

1. Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.

Are you truly angry because your partner left the mustard on the counter? Or are you upset because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings before starting an argument.

2. Discuss one issue at a time.

“You shouldn’t be spending so much money without talking to me” can quickly turn into “You don’t care about our family”. Now you need to resolve two problems instead of one. Plus, when an argument starts to get off topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong. We’ve all done a lot wrong, so this can be especially cumbersome.

3. No degrading language.

Discuss the issue, not the person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings while making sure your partner feels just as bad. This will just lead to more character attacks while the original issue is forgotten.

4. Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them.

“I feel angry.” “I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls.” “I feel scared when you yell.” These are good ways to express how you feel. Starting with “I” is a good technique to help you take responsibility for your feelings (no, you can’t say whatever you want as long as it starts with “I”).

5. Take turns talking.

This can be tough, but be careful not to interrupt. If this rule is difficult to follow, try setting a timer allowing 1 minute for each person to speak without interruption. Don’t spend your partner’s minute thinking about what you want to say. Listen!

6. No stonewalling.

Sometimes, the easiest way to respond to an argument is to retreat into your shell and refuse to speak. This refusal to communicate is called stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved and your partner will feel more upset. If you absolutely cannot go on, tell your partner you need to take a time-out. Agree to resume the discussion later.

7. No yelling.

Sometimes arguments are “won” by being the loudest, but the problem only gets worse.

8. Take a time-out if things get too heated.

In a perfect world we would all follow these rules 100% of the time, but it just doesn’t work like that. If an argument starts to become personal or heated, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone has cooled down.

9. Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding.

There isn’t always a perfect answer to an argument. Life is just too messy for that. Do your best to come to a compromise (this will mean some give and take from both sides). If you can’t come to a compromise, merely understanding can help soothe negative feelings.

Again, this might seem simple to some people, but communication problems are one of the biggest problems I encounter as a psychotherapist. We simply don’t educate children about clear communication, which creates problems when these children become adults and try to talk with each other. So don’t be embarrassed or assume you do not need help in this area. Simply read the rules and try them in your life and see what happens.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience and he specializes in treating teenagers, children and families. For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website at www.rubinocounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/Drrubino3 or follow him on Twitter @RubinoFamily.

The quarantine and domestic violence

The isolation of the quarantine can exacerbate mental health issues such as anxiety & depression. People are cut off from their normal support system such as psychotherapy and this can trigger their mental health issues. Another issue is Domestic violence victims, stuck at home, are at risk during coronavirus pandemic. The victim is isolated with the abuser who may use the isolation to increase their control over the person. Also being isolated can cause the perpetrator to become anxious and out of control of life so they turn to domestic violence again to help them feel empowered again. If you know someone at risk call and checkin on them. If you do not receive an answer or the conversation seems odd to you, call your local police and ask them to do a safety check. Explain why you are asking for the safety check so the officers know what to look for. You may be saving a life.

I have included a link to an article which will explain in more detail why the quarantine places victims of domestic violence at risk. https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/27/health/domestic-violence-coronavirus-wellness-trnd/index.html.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating teenagers and children and victims of trauma. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Dealing with Teenage Issues during the Quarantine

During this period of quarantine common issues parents have with their teenagers may intensify. Let’s face it being together 24/7 for at least three weeks can and will bring up a lot of old and petty issues. One such issue you may face with your teenager is their bedroom. Many parents tell me that their teenager’s bedroom is like a junk yard. Parents are embarrassed by the bedroom and feel the teenager is being disrespectful. Many parents ask me should they demand that their teenager clean their bedroom. Also many parents ask about is it appropriate if they search their teenager’s bedroom. Also during the summer, but I hear it all year long, parents feel teenagers spend too much time in their room Let’s deal with this one issue at a time.

Parents it is very important to remember to pick and choose your battles. There are a lot of issues you will need to discuss with your teenager. Therefore, it is important to ask yourself, is it worth an argument? Teenagers are at a point in their life where they do need their privacy. They are also at a point where they are trying to find their own identity. Their bedroom is a place they use for part of this process. Also you want your teenager to learn responsibility. Their room is something they can be responsible for.

My recommendation is not to make an issue of their bedroom. During this quarantine you and your teenager will become stressed over numerous issues. Also in the long run you will have more important issues such as school, how late your teen wants to stay out, where they want to go and the common issues of alcohol, drugs and sexual activity. Therefore, their bedroom really is a minor issue. In my opinion it is not worth the fight. Arguing about their bedroom, which they view as their private space, can lead to bigger problems with some of the other issues I listed above. During this quarantine period, teenagers need a private space so they can take mental breaks. Also remember these are only some of the issues you will need to set guidelines and expectations about your teenager’s behavior after the quarantine. This is why I strongly recommend leaving the bedroom alone.

Many parents ask me, “then I should just let them live in a junk yard?” The answer is yes. However, there are some guidelines I do set with teenagers. I tell them that Mom and Dad are not going to clean their room as long as they comply with the following guidelines:

The bedroom door must be able to be closed so no one else has to look at the mess.
People can walk by the room without smelling anything such as rotting food.
There are no ants or bugs going into or coming out of the room.
They do not keep dishes in their room so Mom has dishes when she needs them.
They are responsible for getting their clothes out of the room and cleaned. They are also responsible for putting away their laundry.

If they do not follow these guidelines, then they are giving Mom and Dad permission to go in and clean the room as they see fit. I ask the teenager and parents to both agree to these guidelines. I also recommend writing down the guidelines. Therefore, two months from now if someone remembers the agreement differently, you have a document you can refer back to which states what everyone agreed to.

Therefore, I recommend to parents if their teenager can agree to these guidelines, let them live in a junkyard. If they forget to get their clothes to the washer then they will be the one wearing dirty clothes. This is helping them to learn responsibility. It also gives them a sense of independence which they need.

I remind teenagers, if you do not want Mom and Dad cleaning their room then they need to abide by the guidelines. I also remind them it is their responsibility to get their clothes to the washer. If they don’t then they will be wearing dirty clothes to school. I also remind them that they cannot stay home from school because they do not have any clean clothes. I am basically telling the teenager that their parents and I feel they are responsible enough to take care of their room. This again helps the teen feel more mature and understand that they have to start assuming more responsibility for theirselves.

Now for the next issue, searching your teenager’s room. I do not think it is something parents should do on a regular basis just because their child is a teenager. As parents you have a responsibility to make sure you are raising a responsible young adult and if they need help, you have an obligation to provide them with the help they need. Therefore, if you have valid reasons to believe your teenager is using drugs or alcohol on a regular basis, then yes search the room. A valid reason would be noticing the smell of marijuana on their clothes or coming from their room. Finding marijuana or alcohol bottles in their backpack or car that they use. Other signs could be changes in their behavior and grades that are associated with drug use. However, before searching the room, I would recommend when your child enters middle school that you discuss with your child about the conditions which would make you search their room. If you feel it is necessary, tell your teen that you will be searching their room. Obviously, you do not tell them a week a head of time so they can hide things. I suggest you calmly inform them when they are home that you will be starting to search their room in a few minutes. It is important you explain the reasons why you are searching their room.

Parents may be concerned about an argument. This may start an argument, but this argument is worth it. Remind your teen about the agreement the two of you had made about searching their room. If you feel your teenager is not mature enough to abide by the agreement and is likely to start a physical fight, then you do not tell them and search it when they are out of the house. Remember you are only searching the room if you feel your teen is having a serious problem and need professional help. As a parent, it is your responsibility to get them help when they need it. You will want to remember this fact because your teenager may be very angry with you. However, it is better to have an angry teenager than a dead teenager. Many of the drugs teens are using today can kill someone very quickly and teenagers are not usually aware of all the risks.

Therefore, in general respect the privacy of your teenager’s bedroom, however, if you notice signs that indicate your teen is having difficulties then search the room.

As for the last issue that become more apparent during the quarantine is parents feel teenagers spend too much time in their bedroom. They hear them staying up late, sleeping until noon and the rest of the time playing games on their laptops and talking with friends using the games. Yes this can be an issue. The best approach is to discuss this issue prior to summer. However, if you did not, it is not too late. Let your teen know you need to talk to them about their room. Do not attack telling them they are spending too much time in their room. They will simply stop listening and the discussion is over. Before talking to them think about what and why you are concerned about the time in their room. One major reason hopefully is you want the opportunity to spend some time with them. Explain your concerns and some possible solutions you have developed. At this point ask your teen how they feel and do they have any solutions. If you have a calm, caring conversation and you are willing to consider all options, you should be able to resolve the issue. Most teens want to hear that their parents care and want to spend time with them. They tend not to admit to these feeling but they are their. Also teens do better when they feel you have listened to their ideas and are not just telling them what to do.

Remember the quarantine is stressful and scary for everyone. This is not a time you want to be arguing daily with your teenagers. If we all remember we are all in the same situation and decide to work together, we can get through this quarantine together.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience as a psychotherapist who teats teenagers and children. For more information regarding Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino 3.

Being Quarantined with Your Children

The coronavirus has taken a turn no one expected. Before we were thinking about precautions we should take and now the entire San Francisco Bay Area is under quarantine for at least 3 weeks. This means 3 weeks of no school and 3 weeks of the kids at home. Many parents are starting to panic. They may not be able to go to work, but many people are being asked to work from home. So how do you work from home and cope with kids who are going to be very bored? In some ways it sounds like a horror movie, but it’s not. This is our reality.

The first thing to do is not to panic. If you panic it’s going to make it harder to make rational choices to get through the quarantine. Also if you panic you children will feel anxious and insecure and will be more likely to act out. It’s important to remember that you are all in this together and you will need to get through this together.

The first thing to do is to sit down with your children and discuss the situation. Reassure your children you are taking all necessary precautions to keep them safe and that children tend not to catch this virus. Explain that the doctors have decided to have this quarantine as away to get control of the virus so that more people do not get sick. It is important to explain this calmly so your children will remain calm. They will be watching you as a way to gauge the situation. If you are panicked and anxious, they are more likely to be anxious. If you are calm, they are more likely to be calm and not over react.

The next thing I recommend is a family meeting to discuss the new house rules during the quarantine. Explain it will be important to keep a schedule because the quarantine will end and they will be returning to school. Also some schools may have sent homework home or they may be having classes online. Therefore, they need time to do their homework. However, point out that you can use some of the time to have fun. You can have a family game night, a family movie night and other things that you may decide to do. Try not to have the news on a lot because most news stations are running stories about the virus 24/7 and this can provoke anxiety for children and adults.

As for IPads, texting and time online, this would be a good time to renegotiate your standard rules. Typically an hour a day is what is recommended. However, given the fact children and teenagers will not be able to see friends at school or go out with friends on the weekends, allowing more screen time would be appropriate. This can also help them cope with the quarantine by being able to maintain contact with friends. However, it is a good idea to checkin with your children about what their friends are saying about the virus. This way you can correct misinformation that your children may be hearing from their friends. Remind them their friends do not have all the answers and if they have questions or concerns regarding the virus to ask you.

As for a schedule, set a time for everyone to wake up, get dressed and have breakfast. It doesn’t need to be at 7 am, but I would suggest no later than 9am. After breakfast have everyone do something related to school. If the school has assigned work or having work online this would be a prefect time to do their assigned work. If their is no assigned work have them read a book or use their IPad or laptop to long on to a site that has school work. There are many sites devoted to learning. Your school website may have some posted or local news station such ABC7 are posting the sites on their websites.

After a couple hours of work take a break for lunch. After lunch, if the weather permits have your children spend some time in the backyard getting some fresh air and playing a game for exercise. After they have spent some time outside have them return to their school work. Around 3pm let them stop their school work and use their electronics to play and keep in touch with their friends.

When it’s getting to be dinner time have the entire family participate in preparing dinner and have dinner together as a family. Take the time to catch up with your children and teenagers about what is going on in their lives. Also take this time to decide on an after dinner activity such as a game, a movie or if there is a certain television show everyone likes to watch. Again this can be good family bonding time and can help you when the quarantine ends. If your teenagers find out spending time and talking to their parents is not torture, they are more likely to continue talking with you after the quarantine.

Again, since the quarantine is not forever and children and teenagers will be returning to school after the quarantine, set a bedtime for children and teenagers. It should be age appropriate, but make it slightly later than when school is in session. This will help your children are teenagers not resist the quarantine so much if they are getting some benefits from it. They may be small benefits but any will help. Also I would suggest allowing an hour after family game time for teenagers to be able to text friends and wrap up their day.

The quarantine is going to be stressful on everyone but if you remember you are in it together as a family, it can help you with the stressful times. In addition to settling a schedule, if you have neighbors who are elderly or family friends who are elderly, volunteer to help them with shopping or just stop by to check on them and see if they need anything. By helping others it helps you not to feel so sorry for yourself and to appreciate what you do have in your life.

The choice is yours, you can look at the quarantine as a disaster and feel like you are being tortured for the next three weeks or you can look at it as an opportunity to strengthen your relationship with your children and teenagers. By trying to strengthen your relationship with your children and teenagers during the quarantine, when the quarantine ends you may have a better relationship with your children and teenagers. You may find out that strengthening your relationship with your family was worth all the difficulties created by the quarantine.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating teenagers and children. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his facebook.com http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3

The Least Restrictive Environment

Many schools are currently closed due to the coronavirus, however they can still have IEP meetings or the meeting will resume when school resumes. This will give parents time to prepare for their IEP meetings. An IEP refers to an Individualized Educational Plan that the parents and school agree upon to help a student who is having difficulties learning at school. This plan is a legal agreement which states the school environment and accommodations a child needs in order to benefit from their education. Unfortunately not all schools tell parents about all of their rights they have at their child’s IEP meetings (Individualized Educational Plan). Also they do not fully explain all the terms. This creates a great deal of confusion and anxiety for parents. Typically any time I write an article regarding IEPs, I receive emails from parents across the country asking if they are being treated fairly in their IEP meetings.

A common term that is used at IEP meetings is Least Restrictive Environment. At times this term is used to deny a child services. Parents may be asking about Resource Assistance or a Special Day Class and the school may say the Resource Room is not an option because it is not the least restrictive environment. They may insist that the child be placed in a general educational classroom. In other words, the typical classroom people think about when they think of a classroom. However, placing a child in a general education classroom or school is not always the least restrictive environment. Also schools and at times parents may worry about how much inclusion their child will be receiving with the proposed IEP.

Inclusion refers to providing children, who need special educational services, access to the general educational atmosphere and students. However, this is not always the least restrictive environment for your child. The least restrictive environment is the environment in which your child will benefit the most from their education. This may not always be a general education classroom. Remember, least restrictive refers to the environment where your child has the least amount of difficulties learning so they can benefit fully from their education. Therefore, a Special Educational Classroom may be the least restrictive environment for your child depending on their educational needs. If they will benefit more from their education in a Special Day Classroom then that is the least restrictive environment for your child.

This can be a confusing term to understand especially since most people have been lead to believe that inclusion is the same thing as the least restrictive environment. I have included a link to a video which further explains this term. I strongly recommend you watch it so you have a clear understanding of what least restrictive environment refers to and what inclusion refers to https://youtu.be/I7HFRF8y288.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers in Special Education. He often assists parents with IEPs and school accommodations. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his websites www.RubinoCounseling.com, his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or www.LucasCenter.org.

Being A Teenage Boy in 2020

Being a teenage boy in 2020 is very difficult for many boys. Most teenage boys are still trying to live up to to the old stereotype regarding what it takes to be a “man.” As a result of trying to live up to this image, it cost many teenage boys a big price. Many boys get into trouble because of this stereotype and they don’t deserve it. They need someone to explain to them what is acceptable or not acceptable for young men in 2020. This is what this article will try to address.

First let’s look at the traditional stereotype. According to the traditional stereotype boys need to be tall, their muscles need to be in shape. Many teenage boys are working day and night so they have a six pack. Many boys feel inadequate about their bodies if they do not have a six pack.

Besides having to be physically fit, they need to be able to take on any challenge, they should be able to handle alcohol, drugs. and sex and are not emotional. If they are not able to handle these issues they are looked down upon and as weak. This makes it difficult for teenage boys to make the decisions that are best for them. Furthermore, these issues do not make someone a man. Yes men need to deal with them, but if a man doesn’t drink alcohol or a teen is waiting to have sex, he is still a man. At times it more difficult to say no instead of going along with the crowd and say yes when you don’t want to.

Another issue boys have to face is technology. Boys have to be careful about what they post in today’s world. Colleges and employers now search the web when you apply to a college or a job. They look for posts containing alcohol or posts containing negative statements about girls, sex or racial slurs. Many teenagers have had their acceptance to college revoked due to what they posted online. The best example is Harvard University. A couple years ago they revoked the acceptance to several freshmen because of racial slurs and slurs about women they had posted. The teens thought it would be looked at as boys being boys but many places no longer accept this excuse. Sadly many boys are getting in trouble for their behavior because in the past it was acceptable and no one has really explained to teenage boys that i

their current behavior is no longer acceptable.

Another issue which gets teenage boys into trouble is texting. Specifically sexting or sending nude or sexually suggestive photographs. Many teenage boys feel their is no problem with these issues because they is mutual consent. However, what teenagers forget is that since they are under the age of 18, this is considered child pornography. While they may have mutual consent, if you are sending sexually explicit material to anyone under the age of 18, you are violating child pornography laws. Typically boys are the ones who are blamed and may face legal charges. The tragic part of this situation is the boy had no idea he was doing anything wrong. He never knew because no one ever explained that he was making a mistake.

Another area which gets boys into trouble is language. Many teenage boys are use to swearing when they talk because that is how boys think they are suppose to talk. Again often the boys get into trouble because they are doing what they see and hear other boys talk. However, no one has told the boys that the language they are using where they are using it is not appropriate. They are acting based on this old stereotype so they will be accepted. Before punishing the boys, they need to educate the boys and give them a chance.

Bottom line, the old stereotype regarding male behavior is in appropriate and boys are being taught they must use alcohol, be physically aggressive towards others and they must be sexually active if they want to be considered men. This behavior can get teenage boys now into major trouble. Therefore, we need schools and male role models to educate young teenage boys that the old male stereotype is outdated. We need the schools and male role models to educate young teenage males what behavior is appropriate regarding alcohol, language and sexual activity. Also teenage boys today need male role models to educate them how to respect themselves. If we don’t start to educate teenage males about how the old stereotype is inappropriate, how can we expect boys to react appropriately?

Furthermore, this old stereotype is resulting in many teenagers and men to feel isolated and depressed because they have to ignore their feelings in order to follow this stereotype. The suicide rate for teenage boys’ has increased from the third leading cause of death to the second leading cause of death. Therefore besides ruining people’s lives, including girls, the old male stereotype is costing the lives of teenagers. The time has come to make a change.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience working with male teenagers. He is a cofounder of the National Advisory Board for Alice and Free which addresses issues such as this one. For more information regarding his work and private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3

Helping Your Child Cope with The Coronavirus

Many people are concerned about the coronavirus. They are worried about being exposed and they are worried about what happens if they contract the virus. Many people are stock piling water, soap, disinfect wipes and surgical masks. People are even canceling their vacation plans. When so many adults are worried and taking numerous precautions, children begin to worry about their safety. They are afraid to go to school because they don’t want to catch the coronavirus. This excessive anxiety is not good for children. Therefore, parents need to get the accurate information and discuss it with their children.

This is a new virus and spreading faster and easier than expected. However, when you compare this virus to the influenza (the flu), the flu is much more contagious and deadly. According to the CDC, 49,000,000 people in the United States contracted influenza this year, typically referred to as the flu, and 20,000 people died from the flu this year. When you contrast this with the coronavirus, there are currently 500 reported cases and 17 deaths as of March 6, 2020 according to the CDC. While these numbers will rise as we continue to test people, it appears that the flu virus is responsible for more deaths. The coronavirus is getting a great deal of attention because we do not have specific protocols for how to prevent and treat this virus yet. The CDC is still developing guidelines for how we need to respond and are currently working on a vaccine.

Therefore, parents it is important that you calmly talk to your child about the current situation. Explain that this is a new virus and the doctors need time to decide what is the best way to treat it and that the flu is more dangerous than the coronavirus. Explain that until the doctors know the best way to treat the virus that it is very important that they wash their hands after using the bathroom, playing outside or touching things outside of the house. Tell them to sing happy birthday while washing their hands with soap and water. This is a good way to know they have washed their hands long enough. Also let them know if their is no soap or water, they can use hand sanitizer instead and that is good enough. Also remind them to try not to touch their eyes, nose or mouth when they are at school or playing because it is a way to catch germs. Also if they sneeze or cough to cover their mouths. Remind them the doctors are doing everything they need to in order to figure out the best way to deal with the coronavirus so they do not need to worry.

Another aspect to address is if they notice they are coughing, feeling achy and like they have a fever to tell you. If they have these symptoms you will take them to the doctor who will tell you what to do. Remind them they do not need to worry about dying. Remind them more people die from the flu and nothing happened to them. Also point out that the people who have died from the coronavirus were usually around 75 or 80 years old and already had health problems such as problems with their heart. The reports show that children their age have nothing to worry about.

This should help your child’s anxiety about the current virus out break. In the meantime pay attention to the reports from the CDC and look at what you and your family have planned. If you have plans to go to events where there are a lot of people such as sporting events you may want to change your plans until the CDC has developed firm guidelines to deal with the current situation. If you stay calm, your child should stay calm. Make the best decisions for you and your family based on the information you have at the time. If we all stay calm and follow common sense guidelines, we should all be fine. Remember the statistics for influenza are much worse than the coronavirus. The flu virus changes every year too. Therefore, staying calm and following the CDC guidelines is the best approach at this time.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating teenagers and children. He has a sub specialty in medical psychology. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or his private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3

The High School Prom in 2020

Yes it is that time of year again — Prom Season. I am already hearing teens worrying about who to ask and parents who are shocked at how much the prom can cost. Along with the prom come the concerns of who will I go with? What will I wear? How much can I spend on a dress? And a number of other issues. Hopefully, you and your teen have already discussed the issues around dating and have agreements regarding dating. If not, Prom may be a harder issue because now you have to deal with issues regarding dating and Prom.

As a parent, the first thing to do is to contact your teen’s High School and see what rules and guidelines the school has already established. Many High Schools have rules regarding who can attend, such as only students of that high school can attend, a dress code (such as how low cut a dress can be or colors for tuxedos) and some high schools require you to inform them if you are going and your date’s name and the telephone numbers for both set of parents. They do this so if your teen fails to arrive by the designated time or if there are any problems at the Prom, they know who to call.

Another reason to contact the school is to find out where the Prom is being held. Due to the number deaths associated with alcohol or drug use, and now with the concern about the virus, a number of high schools have decide to have the entire Prom on the school campus. They serve dinner and have the dance at the school. Once you have the details then it is time to discuss with your teen what your expectations are regarding the Prom. This is also the time where you will set the rules for the Prom and make your agreements with your teen.

Assuming the Prom is not being held at the campus and instead being held at a Hotel, there are a few items to discuss. The first issue is price. Most teens want to go to an expensive dinner, hire a limo for the night and for the girls there is the Prom dress. I have seen teens spend over $2,000 on their Prom dresses. A limo for the night can cost $2000 and dinner can cost $350. If you have this money and are willing to indulge your teen then there is no problem. However, most parents don’t have this extra money so you need to agree on a budget. For example, a limo is not a necessity for the Prom. As a parent you may feel safer with a limo because your teen is not driving. Also there is a law and limos cannot carry liquor when they are driving for Proms and they must card anyone consuming alcohol in the limo and passengers must use seat belts. You can bring the price down by having your teen split the cost of the car with 2 to 3 other couples. However, you will want to talk to the parents of your teen’s date and any friends they are going with to ensure all the parents agree.

Another option is letting your teenager pay for part of their prom. There is nothing wrong with expecting them to contribute to the cost of their prom. In fact, it is a good way to educate them about money. If they are having to spend their own money, they may choose some cheaper options. This is a good way to start teaching your teen about managing money. You can have your teen purchase the prom tickets, pay for the dinner, girls can pay for part of their dress and boys can pay to rent a tuxedo and for a corsage for their date. As a parent you may want to help with the limo, if they are using one, and the Prom pictures. Some teenagers may need some help budgeting money and parents can help teens with figuring out ways to budget and less expensive options for some items. For example, parents can suggest a very nice restaurant that is not very expensive.

If you have a daughter you need to negotiate the cost of the dress or consider renting a dress. In my opinion she does not need to spend $500 on a dress or more to look good. The same rule goes for her hair. She does not need to spend $300 on styling her hair for one night. She can rent a dress and there are beauticians who do not charge as much but still do an excellent job.

You also need to talk with your teen regarding your expectations about consuming alcohol, using drugs and sexual activity on Prom night. Many teens plan After Parties for their Proms. Quite often at the After Parties is where the drinking, drug use or sexual activity occurs. This is another reason why it is important to know who your teen will be going with to the Prom and their parents. You should never allow your teen to go to an After Party where there is no adult supervision. If the party is at a friend’s house with adult supervision and you have spoken with the adult, there should be no problem. If your teen wants to rent a hotel room so their date and their friends can have a party, this is a huge problem and should not be allowed. There are too many incidents where teens overdose, drink to the point of alcohol poisoning, get pregnant or trash the hotel room. Most hotels will not rent a room to someone under 18, but many teens find away around this rule using friends or cousins who are 18 years or older. Also some parents will rent the room for their teen because they want to be viewed as the nice parent. Remember being a parent is not a popularity contest and some times you need to make an unpopular decision because that is what is best for your teenager. This is also a reason why you would want to talk to the parents of the friends your teenager is going to the Prom with. You may want to ask if any of the parents agreed to rent a hotel room.

Another issue to discuss is curfew. Yes it is their Prom and you want them to have a good time, but there is no reason why they need to stay out the entire night or for the entire weekend. If there is adult supervision the entire time it may work. If there is not adult supervision it is a recipe for disaster. Yes some parents plan a breakfast for the morning after the prom. They may serve breakfast at 4 am. If there are plans such as these, your teen could simply text you at some point that everything is going fine. No one needs to know that they checked in with you.

One other issue you need to be prepared for is if your teen does not have a date for the Prom. This can be devastating to a teenager. If this occurs reassure them that it means nothing about them as a person and allow them to express their feelings. Many schools are realizing how much pressure having a date is placing on teenagers and some teens are not ready to date in High School. Therefore, a number of High Schools have changed policies regarding the Prom. Many schools allow teens to make a choice. If they want to take a date they can or if they do not want to take a date and just go with friends that is fine. So if your teen does not have a date and the school does not require one explain not everyone is ready to date in High School and there is nothing wrong with them. Reinforcing their self-esteem can be very important because as a teen many teenager’s self-esteem are fragile and they need your support.

For teenagers who are questioning their sexuality or who have decided they are homosexual or bisexual, the prom can present additional challenges. Some High Schools have LGBT clubs so there probably won’t be an issue. However, many high schools do not have LGBT clubs. If your teenager has decided they are not heterosexual, then I suggest you call the High School and see what arrangements have been made. They have the same right to attend the Prom as the other students.

Finally, you need to have a discussion with your teen regarding acting responsibly and to have self-respect. The Prom is a major event and it is another step that your teen is taking into the adult world. They need to remember if they want to act like adults, they have to be willing to accept being treated like an adult. So if they violate the rules that their school has established for the Prom, they may be giving up their right to graduate with their class. The Prom should be a happy event that you and your teen both remember for a long time. If you discuss the issues before the Prom and come to agreements that you both accept then it should be a safe, happy event for all. Good luck!

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with teenagers, their parents and high schools. For more information on his work visit his website www.rubinocounseling.com, his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

Why Are We Afraid of Mental Health?

Many people in our society appear to feel mental health issues only apply to drug addicts or “street people.” In India they refer to these people as the “untouchables.” In India and here in the United States, we don’t pay a great deal of attention to theses people except for being annoyed how they make our cities look dirty and many people are afraid to walk pass them because they may be attacked or they are afraid of catching some disease from these “street people.” However this is not reality. Mental health impacts adults, children, teenagers and it impacts people who are poor and rich. Also every ethnicity and sexual orientation has mental health issues. The bottom line is mental health impacts all of us. We all have mental health issues just like we all have physical health issues.

By ignoring mental health issues, we are doing a great deal of harm to children and teenagers. By conservative results, one out of every five teenagers has a mental health issue which requires treatment. Since the year 2000, every year the number of teenagers diagnosed with depression and anxiety have increased. Additionally, drug abuse has been increasing as teenagers try to self-medicate. Finally, the suicide rate has increased every year. It use to be the third leading cause of death for teenagers. Now it is the second leading cause of death for teenagers and it is close to becoming the number one leading cause of death for kids 10 years old to 18 years old.

The issue has become so serious that Time magazine and Kaiser Permanente joined together and produced a video discussing the epidemic of mental health issues children are experiencing and the lack of treatment due to our attitudes. Here is a link to the video https://about.kaiserpermanente.org/total-health/health-. Please watch this video so you understand what we are discussing.

As a psychotherapist who treats children and teenagers, I can confirm what this video is showing. Since the year 2000, I have seen an explosion of children and teenagers needing psychotherapy for anxiety, depression, self-mutilating (cutting themselves) and suicide. I have added extra hours but I still cannot meet the demand to see everyone calling my office. This is a major tragedy. Since people are so ashamed of mental health if they call and cannot get an appointment, they will probably give up on therapy. Why do I say this? I say this because the children and teenagers who come in for therapy are embarrassed and ashamed. They tell me there is something wrong with them and they fear they never will get better. Why do they feel this way? They feel this way because they hear how people talk about people with mental health issues and the stereotype that it only happens to “street people.”

We must remove this mental health stigma. This stigma is resulting in the deaths of many children, teenagers and adults. The majority of people who have mental health issues can live happy, productive lives with appropriate treatment. In fact, one of the leading researchers on Bipolar Disorders has Bipolar Disorder and is a professor at Harvard University. Therefore, this outdated stereotype about mental health is costing the lives of children for no reason and is preventing us from making scientific advances. A teenager with a mental health issue may be able to discover a cure for cancer, but it will never happen if the need psychotherapy.

Psychotherapy is not easy and can be very painful. Anyone who is willing to participate in psychotherapy because they need it should be given encouragement and support not looked down upon. It is similar to ancient times when women were considered dangerous and could not be around anyone when they were undergoing their menstrual cycle. We now know this idea is crazy. If you look at the research we know the same facts about mental health. Therefore, why do we continue to use the old stereotype. If we want the mental health issues in children and teenagers to decrease and if we want to decrease the number of people living in the street, we need to provide mental health services to anyone who needs them without making the person feel embarrassed or ashamed.

Some people may say I have no right to say what I am saying. I disagree with that opinion. I am dealing with this epidemic daily, therefore I know what children and teenagers are facing. Part of helping them face their issues is speaking out on their behalf.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating teenagers and children. For more information regarding Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3

Dr Michael Rubinio

Understanding Your Teenager

Month: March 2020