Month: March 2022

The Prom in Today’s World

The Prom in Today’s World

Yes it is that time of year again — Prom Season. Since there has been a significant decrease in Coronavirus cases, many schools are having Junior Proms and Senior Balls again. However, there is a difference in the junior or seniors currently in High School. Many are not sure about attending the dances due to the fact that the pandemic has not ended yet and some are worrying about being able to afford the prom. However for those students who are deciding to go the common issues are coming up such as, who will I go with, what dress to wear and how much can I spend, where to go to dinner, can we afford a limo and can I go to the after parties? Hopefully, you and your teen have already discussed issues around dating and have agreements regarding dating. If not, Prom may be a harder issue because now you have to deal with issues regarding dating and Prom.

As a parent, the first thing to do is to contact your teen’s High School and see what rules and guidelines the school has already established. Many High Schools have rules regarding who can attend, such as only students of that high school can attend, a dress code (such as how low cut a dress can be or colors for tuxedos) and some high schools require you to inform them if you are going and your date’s name and the telephone numbers for both set of parents. They do this so if your teen fails to arrive by the designated time or if there are any problems at the Prom, they know who to call. If you have a teenager who wants to go without a date and just go with friends you need to ask if this is acceptable. If you have a teenager who belongs to the LGBT+ community, you will want to enquirer about what protocols the school has established so your teenager can attend the dance safety and enjoy it.

Another reason to contact the school is to find out where the Prom is being held. Due to the number deaths associated with alcohol or drug use, and now with the concern about the virus, a number of high schools have decided to have the entire Prom on the school campus. They serve dinner and have the dance at the school. Once you have the details then it is time to discuss with your teen what your expectations are regarding the Prom. This is also the time where you will set the rules for the Prom and make your agreements with your teen.

Assuming the Prom is not being held at the campus and instead being held at a Hotel, there are a few items to discuss. The first issue is price. Most teens want to go to an expensive dinner, hire a limo for the night and for the girls there is the Prom dress. I have seen teens spend over $2,000 on their Prom dresses. A limo for the night can cost $2000 and dinner can cost $350. If you have this money and are willing to indulge your teen then there is no problem. However, most parents don’t have this extra money so you need to agree on a budget. For example, a limo is not a necessity for the Prom. As a parent you may feel safer with a limo because your teen is not driving. Also there is a law and limos cannot carry liquor when they are driving for Proms and they must card anyone consuming alcohol in the limo and passengers must use seat belts. You can bring the price down by having your teen split the cost of the car with 2 to 3 other couples. However, you will want to talk to the parents of your teen’s date and any friends they are going with to ensure all the parents agree.

Another option is letting your teenager pay for part of their prom. There is nothing wrong with expecting them to contribute to the cost of their prom. In fact, it is a good way to educate them about money. If they are having to spend their own money, they may choose some cheaper options. This is a good way to start teaching your teen about managing money. You can have your teen purchase the prom tickets, pay for the dinner, girls can pay for part of their dress and boys can pay to rent a tuxedo and for a corsage for their date. As a parent you may want to help with the limo, if they are using one, and the Prom pictures. Some teenagers may need some help budgeting money and parents can help teens with figuring out ways to budget and less expensive options for some items. For example, parents can suggest a very nice restaurant that is not very expensive.

If you have a daughter you need to negotiate the cost of the dress or consider renting a dress. In my opinion she does not need to spend $500 on a dress or more to look good. The same rule goes for her hair. She does not need to spend $300 on styling her hair for one night. She can rent a dress and there are beauticians who do not charge as much but still do an excellent job.

You also need to talk with your teen regarding your expectations about consuming alcohol, using drugs and sexual activity on Prom night. Many teens plan After Parties for their Proms. Quite often at the After Parties is where the drinking, drug use or sexual activity occurs. This is another reason why it is important to know who your teen will be going with to the Prom and their parents. You should never allow your teen to go to an After Party where there is no adult supervision. If the party is at a friend’s house with adult supervision and you have spoken with the adult, there should be no problem. If your teen wants to rent a hotel room so their date and their friends can have a party, this is a huge problem and should not be allowed. There are too many incidents where teens overdose, drink to the point of alcohol poisoning, get pregnant or trash the hotel room. Most hotels will not rent a room to someone under 18, but many teens find away around this rule using friends or cousins who are 18 years or older. Also some parents will rent the room for their teen because they want to be viewed as the nice parent. Remember being a parent is not a popularity contest and some times you need to make an unpopular decision because that is what is best for your teenager. This is also a reason why you would want to talk to the parents of the friends your teenager is going to the Prom with. You may want to ask if any of the parents agreed to rent a hotel room.

Another issue to discuss is curfew. Yes it is their Prom and you want them to have a good time, but there is no reason why they need to stay out the entire night or for the entire weekend. If there is adult supervision the entire time it may work. If there is not adult supervision it is a recipe for disaster. Yes some parents plan a breakfast for the morning after the prom. They may serve breakfast at 4 am. If there are plans such as these, your teen could simply text you at some point that everything is going fine. No one needs to know that they checked in with you.

One other issue you need to be prepared for is if your teen does not have a date for the Prom. This can be devastating to a teenager. If this occurs reassure them that it means nothing about them as a person and allow them to express their feelings. Many schools are realizing how much pressure having a date is placing on teenagers and some teens are not ready to date in High School. Therefore, a number of High Schools have changed policies regarding the Prom. Many schools allow teens to make a choice. If they want to take a date they can or if they do not want to take a date and just go with friends that is fine. So if your teen does not have a date and the school does not require one explain not everyone is ready to date in High School and there is nothing wrong with them. Reinforcing their self-esteem can be very important because as a teen many teenager’s self-esteem are fragile and they need your support.

As I stated above for teenagers who are questioning their sexuality or who have decided they are not heterosexual, the prom can present additional challenges. Some High Schools have LGBT+ clubs so there probably won’t be an issue. However, many high schools do not have LGBT+ clubs. If your teenager has decided they are not heterosexual, then I suggest you call the High School and see what arrangements have been made for LGBT+ students. They have the same right to attend the Prom as the other students.

Finally, you need to have a discussion with your teen regarding acting responsibly and to have self-respect. The Prom is a major event and it is another step that your teen is taking into the adult world. They need to remember if they want to act like adults, they have to be willing to accept being treated like an adult. So if they violate the rules that their school has established for the Prom, they may be giving up their right to graduate with their class. The Prom should be a happy event that you and your teen both remember for a long time. If you discuss the issues before the Prom and come to agreements that you both accept then it should be a safe, happy event for all. Good luck!

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with teenagers, their parents and high schools. He has been treating teenagers for over 25 years. For more information on his work visit his website www.rubinocounseling.com, his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

Helping Kids Live in Today’s Scary World

Helping Kids Live in Today’s Scary World

Over the past few years children and teenagers have had to cope with a lot of emotions. The main emotions they have been facing are anxiety, fear and grief. If we look at their lives over the past few years, it is not surprising they have been dealing with these emotions.

To begin with, children have had to grow up with mass school shootings. In 2019, there was a mass shooting every day and a majority of these shootings occurred at schools (CDC). Students have been dealing with these shootings for 20 years and since 2010, the number of shootings have increased every year (CDC). As a result, students have grown up grieving for friends and teachers and have been afraid to go to school because they were afraid of being killed. In addition, they have been having mass shooter drills on a regular basis. These drills have increased children’s anxiety about going to school. They have more shooter drills than fire drills. Therefore, school does not seem like a safe place for kids.

Besides dealing with mass shootings, they have had to cope with the Coronavirus Pandemic and having to go to school remotely. Furthermore, they were not able to see their friends as usual so they felt isolated, lonely and have been lacking the emotional support of their friends. Finally with over 900,000 Americans dying from the Coronavirus, many children and teenagers have been grieving for the death of grandparents, parents and friends. This has also created a lot of anxiety for kids. Many do not want their parents to leave the house because they are afraid that their parents might catch the virus and die.

Now we are changing children’s world again. We are finally telling them it is safe to go back to school. However, the Coronavirus is not under control and mass shootings have started again. This exacerbates the fear, anxiety and grief that children and teenagers are still dealing with due to mass shootings and people becoming sick and dying from the Coronavirus. Honestly, can you blame them?

These two issues are overwhelming for children and now they have to deal with the war in the Ukraine. Because children and teenagers have access to their cellphones and Ipads, many kids have seen the pictures of dead adults and children. They are also hearing about how this may develop into World War III. The idea of a World War is making more children and teenagers worry about death and the possibility of a nuclear war. They are afraid the end of the world maybe around the corner.

I have had many parents ask me how they can help their children and teenagers through these difficult times. However, many parents are finding it difficult because they are experiencing some of the same feelings and they know they cannot completely protect their children from mass shootings, the Coronavirus and they are worried about another World War too. Parents are having to accept that they cannot eliminate the fear their children are living with currently. All they can do is be there for their families and be emotionally supportive.

Dealing with children and teenagers as a psychotherapist for the past 25 years, I have seen many children with these issues. Additionally, I have researched these issues in addition to becoming certified to treat children and first responders for the traumatic events we are facing as a society. Below is the best advice I have found for parents who are dealing with children who are anxious, afraid or grieving.

As a parent, you can’t protect you children from grief, but you can help them express their feelings, comfort them, help them feel safer, and teach them how to deal with fear. By allowing and encouraging them to express their feelings, you can help them build healthy coping skills that will serve them well in the future, and confidence that they can overcome adversity.

• Break the news. When something happens that will get wide coverage, my first and most important suggestion is that you don’t delay telling your children about what’s happened: It’s much better for the child if you’re the one who tells her. You don’t want her to hear from some other child, a television news report, or the headlines on the front page of the New York Post. You want to be able to convey the facts, however painful, and set the emotional tone.

• Take your cues from your child. Invite her to tell you anything she may have heard about the tragedy, and how she feels. Give her ample opportunity to ask questions. You want to be prepared to answer (but not prompt) questions about upsetting details. Your goal is to avoid encouraging frightening fantasies.

• Model calm. It’s okay to let your child know if you’re sad, but if you talk to your child about a traumatic experience in a highly emotional way, then he will likely absorb your emotion and very little else. If, on the other hand, you remain calm, he is likely to grasp what’s important: that tragic events can upset our lives, even deeply, but we can learn from bad experiences and work together to grow stronger.

• Be reassuring. Talking about death is always difficult, but a tragic accident or act of violence is especially tough because of how egocentric children are: they’re likely to focus on whether something like this could happen to them. So it’s important to reassure your child about how unusual this kind of event is, and the safety measures that have been taken to prevent this kind of thing from happening to them. You can also assure him that this kind of tragedy is investigated carefully, to identify causes and help prevent it from happening again. It’s confidence-building for kids to know that we learn from negative experiences.

• Help children express their feelings. In your conversation (and subsequent ones) you can suggest ways your child might remember those she’s lost: draw pictures or tell stories about things you did together. If you’re religious, going to church or synagogue could be valuable.

• Be developmentally appropriate. Don’t volunteer too much information, as this may be overwhelming. Instead, try to answer your child’s questions. Do your best to answer honestly and clearly. It’s okay if you can’t answer everything; being available to your child is what matters. Difficult conversations like this aren’t over in one session; expect to return to the topic as many times as your child needs to come to terms with this experience.

• Hopefully these suggestions will help parents who have children or teenagers who are dealing with fear, anxiety or grieving for a loved one. Remember there are no perfect parents, so just do your best. If your child knows you are coming from a place of love, they will know you are trying to help and you will help them. If however, you feel your child needs more help than you can provide, arrange for them to see a psychotherapist who specializes in children and teenagers and specializes in treating trauma.

Hopefully these suggestions will help parents and their children through this very scary time our world is currently experiencing.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 25 years experience treating children and teenagers. Additionally, he is certified to treat children, teenagers and first responders for traumatic events. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

Mental Health Falling A Part

Mental Health Falling A Part

Teenagers and children today are growing up in the middle of a pandemic and waiting to see if there will be a World War III. Adults are feeling anxious and depressed due to everything occurring in the world. Therefore, it is no surprise that children and teenagers are experiencing an epidemic rate of anxiety disorders, depression, suicidal feelings and drug overdoses have increased significantly (CDC). Children and teenagers are needing psychotherapy desperately. I have at least 20 parents a day calling my office begging us to provide psychotherapy to their child. Many have explained that they have called every therapist around and either they were told the therapist had no room for any additional patients or they never received a return phone call.

The problem is that the mental health system is at its breaking point. In addition to parents needing to find a psychotherapist, they need to pay for the therapy. However, many insurance companies are finding ways not to cover psychotherapy. Insurance companies are raising the copayments that families have to pay for therapy. I actually have families whose copayments are $90 per session. With the cost of food, gas and electricity significantly increasing most families cannot afford $90 copayments and therefore they decide not to pursue the therapy.

Why are copayments important? If the therapist accepts an insurance, they have signed a provider agreement with the Insurance company. The agreement states how much the therapist will be paid. The therapist is not paid the rate you see on the consent form you sign with the therapist. The provider agreement states how much the insurance will pay after the patients pay their copay. So if the insurance agreed to pay the therapist $100 (the usual rate is typically $75) and the patient has a copy of $90, the insurance only pays the therapist $10. If the patient cannot pay the copay, then the therapist only receives $10. Insurance companies have been doing this for years. Therapist agree to these contacts because most people need to use insurance and cannot privately.

Therefore, insurance companies make a lot of money every year. They charge high premiums to the people using their insurance and under pay the providers. They have been under paying therapist the most for years because of the stigma associated with mental health.

Now we find ourselves in a situation where mental health is desperately needed. Because of the insurance company games there are not enough therapist to meet the need we have right now. Therefore, people need to speak up.

Most people get their insurance from their employers. Tell your employers the difficulties you are having and demand that insurance companies start to pay therapist a fair rate.

Additionally, as a society we need to change our attitudes regarding mental health care. We need to acknowledge that it is just as important as physical health and treatment physical and mental health as equals.

People have died because they contracted the coronavirus, however many have died due to suicide too. People could not tolerate the isolation or emergency room staff have not been able to tolerate the extreme emotional trauma due to the Coronavirus. As a result many emergency room physicians and nurses decided on suicide as a way to cope because they were so overwhelmed.

One important lesson from the Coronavirus and the Ukraine is that our system for mental health does not work. As a result, many people are dying including children and teenagers. Do we want our society to function this way. I hope not!

Therefore, we all need to make an effort to remove the negative stigma associated with mental health and demand that people dealing with mental health issues receive the same care as if they had a heart attack and the mental health clinicians receive the same respect and pay as the cardiologist. We will have another pandemic. We can either learn from this one or when the next crisis comes, we will not be prepared for the emotional trauma facing us and adults and children will die needlessly.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 25 years experience treating children, teenagers and trauma victims including first responders. For more information about his practice please visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.con/drrubino3.