After 4 years of hard work many teens are anxiously waiting to see if they were accepted to college. Here is why teens are anxious and what parents can do to help https://yourteenmag.com/teens-college/admissions/college-acceptance-decisions
We are in the middle of the school year and also in the middle of another spike in Coronavirus cases. However, this spike is impacting children too not just adults this time. Also many schools and colleges are returning to remote learning while we experience this severe spike in Coronavirus cases. Even though we don’t have an answer regarding how many school districts plan on operating yet, I have been getting questions about IEPs (Individualized Educational Plan). Parents are having difficulties arranging meetings and getting specific answers what will be included in their child’s IEP or is the school going to offer them a 504 plan instead. The IEP process is difficult under normal conditions. When we are in the middle of a pandemic it can become very overwhelming and confusing. Additionally, many parents do not know what an IEP is or what a 504 Plan is in regards to a child’s education. Also many parents are not aware of their rights or their child’s educational rights. I receive numerous emails from parents anytime I write about IEPs. Therefore, here is an article describing IEPs and 504 plans for parents. Hopefully this will explain the differences between an IEP and 504 plan and help parents understand what their child is legally entitled to regardless of what the teacher is trying to make you believe.
The main point parents need to understand is even though we are in the middle of a pandemic, IEPs still exists and the IEP laws are still in effect. Therefore, if your child’s school is claiming they cannot assess a child for an IEP or meet the conditions due to the pandemic, this is not true. School districts still are required to assess and meet the goals and legal timelines even during the pandemic.
While school districts need to still service IEPs, the same requirement does not apply to 504 plans. If your child is on remote learning, the school district does not have to follow through with the 504 plan because there are no laws requiring the district to follow through with the 504 plans. I saw a mother on the news complaining that the school district was not following with her daughter’s 504 plan. She expects the district to follow through with the 504 plan like an IEP. However, this is not the reality of the situation. School districts have to follow through with an IEP because of the IEP laws. The same laws do not apply to 504 plans. Even during a pandemic there are no laws protecting a 504 plan. This is why you want an IEP for your child not a 504 plan. Below is additional information regarding the difference between an IEP plan and a 504 plan.
Parents here is important information about Individualized Education Plans (IEP) and 504 agreements. Besides ensuring that your child receives a good education, you do not need to pay for items such as special computer programs that the school district should be paying for not you. If your child has an IEP the school district is responsible for most educational expenses even a private school if necessary. Please read this article so you understand your rights and your child’s rights..
An IEP will not stop your child from getting a job or from getting into college. In fact and college because they still would be entitled to assistance and the State of California may pay for their books. Also educational records are confidential therefore, no one would know your child had an IEP in school.
Many schools say your child must be two grades below in order to qualify for an IEP. If you said your child had a math or reading disability this is true. However, if they have ADHD, Bipolar, school anxiety etc. they can qualify under OTHER HEALTH IMPAIRMENTS. All your child needs is a diagnosis such as ADHD which would interfere with their ability to fully benefit from their learning experience in the classroom. The 2 grade below level qualification doesn’t apply to this category.
Also if you have a child in private school and they would benefit from additional assistance, contact your child’s public school district. Even though they attend private school the public school district is legally obligated to provide your child with services.
One more issue, never pay for outside testing before the school district tests your child. They have the right not to accept any outside testing until they test the child. If you disagree with the district’s testing then you can request an objective testing from an outside professional and you can request that the school district pays for the testing and you can select the evaluator.
An IEP or an Individualized Education Plan is a document that outlines the specialized education services that a student will receive due to their disability. It ensures the student will receive the assistance necessary so they will receive an education.
When most parents hear disability, they usually think of a person in a wheelchair or a student wIth a learning disability. There are various condItions that can qualify as a disability. Depression, Bipolar Disorder or even diabetes. The disability is any condition that will interfere in the student receiving the same education as other students. The students who qualify for an IEP need accommodations which meet the criteria of needing specialized education. As I stated above their are numerous conditions which may qualify a student for an IEP.
if a student does qualify for an IEP, they also qualify for Special Education. Many parents hear this and are afraid or embassies. There is nothing to be afraid of or embossed about. If a student qualifies for Special Education, if the student needs speech therapy or special computer programs, the school district is obligated to provide the services to the student at no expense to the student’s family.
There is also an option called a 504 Plan. This was established in the Rehabilitation Act of 1973. The 504 plan ensures that a student with a disability will receive accommodations so they will receive the same education as other students. However, the 504 plan does not qualify a student for Special Education services and It is not overseen as closely as an IEP plan.
Currently, many districts are telling parents that their child does not need or qualify for an IEP and a 504 plan is just a good. This is not true. Many school districts are telling parents that their child does not qualify for an IEP because the IEP is more expensive for the district and most districts are trying to save money.The districts take advantage of the fact that as parents, you do not know all the differences between an IEP and a 504 so they can talk a family into a 504 plan easily.
If you find that your child is having difficulties at school due to a learning disability, health issue or emotional issue, consult an outside professional before you automatically assume that the school is giving you the appropriate recommendation.
I see many parents who have been told that their child is better with a 504 plan and that is not the truth. You can consult an educational consultant or a therapist who works with children. You can contact me at via my website http://www.rcs-ca.com. I help many families at their child’s IEP meeting. The main thing is, do not be afraid to ask if your child should have a 504 or an IEP. Also don’t let the district make you feel guilty because you want time to think and investigate the options. This is your child and you should never sign anything until you are sure it is in your child’s best interest.
I have added a link to a chart that will help you compare the two and understand the differences.
504 Plan vs. IEP – Education Centerwww.ed-center.com/504This pages lists the differences between an IEP and a 504 plan.
I have also added a link to a video which helps to explain the differences between an IEP and 504 plan.
Dr. Michael Rubino has over 25 years experience working with children and teens. He also has over 25 years experience working with children in Special Education and was an Intern for the AB3632 program which works with children in Special Ed and IEPs. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or his website that deals specifically with IEPs, lucascenter.org or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.
Bullying is a big problem in our society. In fact, it is considered an epidemic by many people. Since the pandemic we have not heard a great deal about it because most children were attending school remotely and had little direct contact with each other. However, bullying did continue during remote schooling and it is increasing as kids return to the classroom. Bullying in today’s world has become so bad that often kids who are being bullied decide suicide is a better option than living with the 24 hour, 7 day a week bullying they are enduring. Also bullying often results in the victim committing suicide.
Many people may ask how bullying can occur 24/7. It is called Cyber bullying. Due to technology kids can be bullied in person, but it doesn’t have to stop at school. Because of email, texting, Twitter, Instagram and other social media sites, the bullying can occur non-stop. You can send texts and post to social media anytime day or night. Usually it is a group of kids targeting one kid. Therefore, this one kid is getting numerous texts and emails from several kids all day and night. Often the bullies even suggest suicide.
Most kids want to fit in at school and have friends. This is very important to children especially when they reach middle school. Many children do not tell their parents because they are embarrassed. They feel something must be wrong with them otherwise they would not be getting teased. They feel their parents will be disappointed with them and they are afraid their parents may agree with the bullies. Therefore, they say nothing and do their best to endure the bullying. It’s very important for parents to remember Cyberbullying is not similar to bullying that use to occur in the 1980s or 1990s at school. Also due to technology bullying has become a much bigger problem and research now shows bullying impacts the person being bullied, the bullies and the other children at school who are aware of the bullying. The bystanders usually don’t say or do anything because they are afraid of being bullied if they interfere.
Statistics by the CDC indicate that between 1 out of every 3 or 4 kids are bullied during their lives. The majority of bullying occurs during middle school. The kids most likely to be bullied are those that are considered different in some way. A boy may be emotional or a girl may not wear the right brand of clothes. These are common reasons many kids are bullied. If you think about it, these are no reasons to bully someone. In fact, there is no reason that justifies bullying.
As I stated above bullying has life long effects on those who are bullied, those who bully and those who stand by and watch the bullying happen. Let’s examine the impact of bullying on these different groups:
Kids who are bullied can experience negative physical, school, and mental health issues. Kids who are bullied are more likely to experience:
• Depression and anxiety, increased feelings of sadness and loneliness, changes in sleep and eating patterns, and loss of interest in activities they used to enjoy. These issues may persist into adulthood.
• Health complaints
• Decreased academic achievement—GPA and standardized test scores—and school participation. They are more likely to miss, skip, or drop out of school.
Kids who bully others can also engage in violent and other risky behaviors into adulthood. Kids who bully are more likely to:
• Abuse alcohol and other drugs in adolescence and as adults
• Get into fights, vandalize property, and drop out of school
• Engage in early sexual activity
• Have criminal convictions and traffic citations as adults
• Be abusive toward their romantic partners, spouses, or children as adults
Kids who witness bullying are more likely to:
• Have increased use of tobacco, alcohol, or other drugs
• Have increased mental health problems, including depression and anxiety
• Miss or skip school
The Harlem Globtrotters have developed a program to help address and stop bullying. They call it the ABC program. It is not very difficult and makes a lot of sense. Here is the program:
Action – when you see bullying or are being bullied tell your parents or a teacher.
Bravery – don’t be afraid to walk away from someone who is bullying you. If you see someone bullying someone tell them to stop.
Compassion – if you know someone is being bullied or looks down go over and be nice to the person. Compliment them or encourage them to ignore the bully.
Here is a link to the ABC program so you can watch it and discuss it with your children https://youtu.be/O-TF7x3Q_sk.
If we don’t become active when bullying is occurring, it will never stop. This means teaching our children to speak out against it too. Look at the list above, bullying impacts everyone. It has life long effects on the bullied, the bullies and those who see it. Therefore, we must all act.
Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who has over 25 yrs experience treating children and teenagers. He is a founding member of the National Street Soldier Advisory Board, an anti bullying program. For more information about his work and private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy or visit his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3
“What are we doing to our kids?” is a quote from Cameron Crowe, who wrote the movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High a movie from 1982. I ask this question on a daily basis. Cameron Crowe while discussing the movie with CNN for their special report on movies made his statement about teenagers. He explained he went undercover in a high school as a high school senior to write the movie. He stated he was shocked at how sexually active these kids were in high school. He stated between the focus on sex and working, the kids were being denied their adolescence. They were going from kids to adults very quickly. Sadly what Cameron Crowne noticed in 1982 has continued and has only become worse. It is so bad that I typically have difficulties scheduling appointments with teenagers because of tutoring sessions, meeting with college consultants and their homework. Many teenagers are so overbooked that they seldom have a free minute to relax.
Cameron Crowe was commenting on high school students in 1982. However, what he noticed occurring in high school in 1982, however it is now starting to occur in middle school not high school. In middle school today it is not uncommon for kids to be sexually active. In fact, many middle schools now provide condoms to sixth graders. Many 6th graders do not think oral sex is being sexually active. They tell me they are jus “messing around, like kissing.” In addition to sex, kids in middle school are using drugs. They are not just using marijuana. Many middle school students are using concerta, ecstasy, vaping and designer drugs.
In addition to being sexually active and using drugs many middle school students are worrying about how much money they will make at their jobs. Kids are looking at different careers and thinking about how much they will get in paid and what they will be able to afford. They wonder about, how big of a house or what type of car will they be able to afford as adults? Mr. Crowe’s observation was correct in 1982. However in 2021, kids are losing their childhood too early and they are losing their childhood earlier and earlier. In 1982 it was high school in 2019 it is occurring in middle school. When will it start occurring in fifth grade?
In addition to these factors, teens in middle school and high school continue to live through the pandemic. Most kids had a year of remote learning which was a disaster. Therefore, teenagers were forced to spend over a year at home by themselves and their main interaction with friends was by texting or gaming. As a result, many teenagers feel like they have lost a year of their lives that they will never get back and a year of exploring life with their friends. Many teenagers are reporting depression , suicidal feelings and anxiety due to the Coronavirus. Who can blame them because they have lost a year of their childhood that they cannot get back.
Even though many teenagers are back in school, their school experience is not the same as it was prior to the pandemic. Their ability to socialize is still limited greatly and schools have changed many after school activities and have canceled events such as indoor dances. So teenagers are back in the classroom, but they still feel lonely and many see no end to the pandemic or school shootings in site.
Since I specialize in treating children and teenagers, I have had more children and teenagers reporting depression, anxiety and a sense of loneliness over this past year. In fact, in my office the number of middle and high school students seeking therapy has increased by a factor of 10. Besides parents calling, schools and insurance companies call daily regarding adolescents who need therapy. Many of these teens are feeling disconnected and out of touch with their friends and other teenagers their age. In 2000, I was noticing this in a few teenagers now in 2022 a majority or teens and middle school students report feeling lonely and isolated and anxious. I am also beginning to hear this from fifth grade boys too. Besides loneliness increasing in middle school and high school, the number of kids feeling depressed is increasing significantly. It makes sense. Teenagers have lost a year of “normal” teenage life and no one knows what to expect next, another school shooting or a return to remote learning due to this new variant. Many colleges returned to remote learning, so are middle schools and high schools next? This provokes anxiety and depression when you don’t know what to expect from the future. Especially when predictions are changing daily, teenagers are left having to wait and they see no end in site.
You may ask with their focus on friends and sex, how are they feeling lonely or isolated? With this focus on friends, sex, drugs and the future comes a great deal of competition. Everyone wants to look like they know exactly what they are doing. Therefore, they may be talking and texting each other, but they focus more on shallow issues. No one really opens up about their true fears and worries. As a result, they feel lonely and isolated. They also have missed a year of “normal, typical” experiences which help them mature. Teenagers know they are not going to get these years back which is depressing. Therefore, they are using computers, drugs and sex as a way to numb out the anger, disappointment and anxiety about what they are missing and not to worry about what their futures will be like.
A very good example of this are teenage boys. Most teenage boys are trying to live up to the outdated stereotype about what it takes to be a man. According to the stereotypes men don’t cry, don’t focus on emotions because they are weak and must be sexually active to be a man. There is a documentary, The Mask You Live In, which focuses on boys conforming to this outdated stereotype. Overwhelming the boys in the documentary reported feeling lonely and isolated. They shared they had no one who they could talk to when they felt overwhelmed or confused by life. They always had to have the right answer and they did not always what was the right answer. As a result, they made mistakes and they felt lonely not being able to ask for help. They felt like they had to hide their true feelings which makes them feel lonely.
Having over two years with little to no personal contact with their friends only increases this feeling of isolation and loneliness. Since teenagers try not to act like they need help, they are experiencing more feelings of anxiety and depression. The CDC has documented a significant increase in the number of teenagers coping with depression and anxiety since the beginning of the pandemic. Also as I stated above we have experienced a tidal wave of teenagers seeking psychotherapy. Furthermore, the longer the pandemic continues and the longer our society remains in chaos, the numbers continue to increase not decrease.
Texting and online gaming have increased as a way for teenagers to feel a connection with their friends. Many parents worry about their teenagers texting or gaming, but if it provides a sense of connection with their friends and the world, I have recommended to parents to adjust their rules regarding these behaviors during the pandemic. Teenagers need a way to feel connected to others. Without this sense of connection during the pandemic, we see an increase in the number of teenagers committing suicide or overdosing on drugs.
Another aspect to teenage boys and girls feeling lonely, isolated, depressed and anxious is that they tend to close themselves off emotionally. As a result, they do not know if anyone cares about them. They never know if someone loves them. This can create major issues for teens. In the Disney movie Frozen, they point out how people will act out in pain and make mistakes when they don’t feel loved or cared for by people. The movie also points out how opening yourself up so you can feel love will help people change and make better choices. The lead character, Elsa, when she felt lonely and afraid could not control her power and it only caused destruction. When she finally opened herself up and saw she could be loved she discovered the good her powers could do. When she was afraid she isolated and when she felt loved she opened up and interacted with others. I see this happen daily with teens. When they feel no one cares, they isolate themselves and say hurtful things to keep themselves isolated. When they discover people care, they allow themselves to open up and start to share their true feelings and interact with others. They are very happy and surprised when they make this discovery.
Parents may notice that their teenagers are not taking to them or listening to them despite the fact that parents are trying to be supportive. The problem is that your teenagers are feeling so depressed and anxious that they are ignoring their parents. Many teenagers see how society is acting and they see no hope. They assume you are going to try to make them feel better, but you are just as powerless as they are so they ignore you. Be patient with them and continue to be there for them. By taking this approach when your teenager is ready to talk, you will be there and not miss the opportunity.
In 1982 the world was much easier. In today’s world things are moving fast and make it easy for people to isolate by texting or using social media to communicate. In addition, teenagers are living through a pandemic, mass shootings and a political climate that has changed how we communicate and view the world and each other. As a result, teenage boys and girls feel pressure to follow the outdated stereotypes about men and women. There are few people telling teens they don’t need to follow these stereotypes. We also need to set examples about communication. Adults need to not text so much and rely on social media as often as they do. Parents need to take time talking with their children as soon as they are born. Technology can be a great thing but it is making many people feel lonely and isolated. Teens as well as adults. We need to study technology and look at how it is impacting our lives and the lives of our children. One thing for sure, I have seen technology increasing the amount of teens feeling lonely and depressed. We don’t want our kids to lose out on their childhood. Therefore, we need to study the impact technology has on us and teach our children how to use it responsibly. Also we need to teach teenage boys and girls that they don’t need to live up to the outdated stereotypes about men and women. We need to encourage our kids to be themselves and to accept themselves.
Additionally, teenagers today are the only teenagers in recent history who have had to cope with daily mass shootings and a pandemic which has killed over 800,000 Americans. We need to look at all these issues and help our children and teenagers cope with the world they have to live in. Hopefully this will help our children reclaim their childhood and be kids.
Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 24 years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.
Coping with mental health issues during the winter and during Covid can be very difficult. Many of the options available to people during the spring and summer are not available during the winter which makes dealing with mental health issues during the winter difficult. I have many patients who report having a harder time dealing with their mental health during the winter because many of their coping strategies are not available such as spending the day outside. Additionally, we are dealing with another surge of the Coronaviruses so being around people is difficult right now. Jina Swani wrote an article about dealing with physical and mental health issues during the winter. Her views regarding how to manage your mental health during the winter are very good. Therefore, I am discussing her points below.
Mental health tips for individuals dealing with the stress of winter?
Mindfulness is the art of being present in the moment without judgement for how you are feeling. It’s always important to remember that whatever emotions you may be feeling are OK. This year has been tough enough, and it will continue to hold many unique challenges for us all. When you feel stressed:
• Stop and take a moment to acknowledge your feelings. It’s OK to say to yourself, “I am feeling stressed.”
• Take a deep breath. First, breathe in through your nose and as you exhale through your mouth, let your shoulders drop down away from your ears.
• Take another deep breath and scan your body for tension. Then, try and actively release any tension from your muscles.
• After a few more breaths, refocus your attention on the next task that is within your realm of control. Now, you’ll be ready to move on with your day.
How can people cope with loneliness this year?
Reach out to others if you are struggling. Send a friend a message and set up a plan to talk via phone or video chat. We sometimes forget that chances are, if you are feeling lonely, your loved ones are likely feeling the same way and missing you.
It’s smart to create a routine for regular check-ins with friends and family. Sometimes, something as simple as starting a group text chat can really help people feel connected. Remember to never be afraid of letting others know how you are feeling.
With seasonal stress, food-related problems may arise. How can individuals manage these issues?
The holidays can lead to more snacking, larger meals and overindulging in things like desserts and alcohol. By setting intentions with yourself about your food and drink intake, you can better monitor your portions.
In addition, meal planning can help you pay attention to what and when you are eating. Ultimately, this practice has the power to help you cut down on overeating or indulging in foods due to convenience.
Lastly, I always tell my patients to be aware of their emotions. For some, increased levels of stress, anxiety, sadness or loneliness can lead to emotional eating. Always consider reaching out to a mental health professional if you are concerned about your moods or the general state of your mental health. You’re never alone.
Hopefully you will find these ideas helpful. Remember you are never alone. While many psychotherapists are very busy, you can still find a psychotherapist for psychotherapy. There are a number of call lines you can call and talk to someone. Finally, there is always friends and family. Do not be embarrassed or ashamed to ask for help. Mental health is something everyone deals with and that everyone needs help with at times, especially now during the pandemic. It’s as normal as a headache or backache so no need to be embarrassed. However, it’s hard to receive help if you refuse to ask or refuse to accept it when people offer it.
Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 24 years experience and he specializes in treating children, teenagers, trauma victims and first responders. For more information about his work visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.
The end of the Fall semester is around the corner and it is a time of year that students panic because it’s Finals time. Your teenagers are probably very stressed or getting stressed. There is a lot going on right now. Seniors are trying to complete college applications, seniors and juniors are worried about grades because these grades will impact which colleges they can go to. In addition, there is time off for Christmas so many teenagers are focusing on spending time with their friends. However, due to the outbreak of another Coronavirus variant, they may not be able to see their friends and if they can what they can do is limited because of precautions trying to prevent the spread of the virus. Also they need to allow for time with their families too.
As I stated besides finals, teenagers are having to balance between friends and family during another surge in Coronavirus cases. In addition to spending time with friends there are the parties that probably will not be occurring due to the Coronavirus. Therefore, they are dealing with another winter break which is severely limited due to the virus. over. Besides having to balance time between family and friends, they still have to keep the homework current and study for finals or complete semester projects. They are getting tired of having to focus on school and not be free to see their friends because it seems like this virus is never going away.
In many classes the final may be worth fifty percent of the students grade. The final grade in a class is very important. This grade will be part of their overall GPA which can affect what colleges Juniors can apply to and their ability to get scholarships. Also for seniors these are the grades colleges will be using to determine who they accept or reject. Seniors know they need a decent Fall semester GPA to have a chance of being accepted by a college.
As you can see there is a great deal of pressure on high school students during this time of year. Also since the competition to get into colleges has increased and the competition for scholarships have increased so has the stress on high school students.
Many students will do what ever they need to in order to survive this time of year. This includes using alcohol or weed to help them relax or sleep. They will also take friends ADHD medication, use cocaine, or start taking caffeine pills or start drinking a great deal of coffee or energy drinks so they can stay awake and study. They don’t realize how much caffeine those energized drinks contain. Also the combination of weed to sleep and caffeine to stay awake can cause mood changes, psychosis and even death.
Most teens want to do things on there own so they will tell you everything is fine and they have it covered. They think it is fine because of the substances they are using. Remember a teenagers prefrontal lobes are not fully developed yet. Therefore, they only focus on the here and now and not on the future. They also do not always think about the long term consequences about some of the things they are using.
If your teenager is getting angry very easily or crying easily this is a sign that something is going on. If you notice a change in their eating habits such as going from eating a lot to eating nothing, this is another sign. Also if you notice a change in their sleep pattern such as awake all night and falling asleep at odd times this is also a sign.
What do you do if you notice anything that is making you worry, you should sit down and talk to your teenager. Explain you know there is a lot of stress right now and point out the changes you have noticed and what you are concerned about. Reinforce you are not having this conversation because you are mad and they are not in trouble, you are having this conversation because you love them. If they are using things or doing things because they think it will help them study, let them know you are there to help. Explain some of the dangers associated with what they are doing. Remind them no grade is worth their life.
One thing you may want to do, is say to your teenager you know the end of the semester is a stressful time. Ask them if they need any help studying or help organizing their time. Let them know if there is any way you can help, you are there to help. Remind them, all they need to do is ask you for help and you will help. Many teenagers hate to ask for help, so you may want to comment on how you see them struggling and discuss how you can help, even if they don’t think they need it. Ask them to allow you to help because you can’t help it but you worry about them and by helping them, they would be helping you cope with your stress.
Hopefully they will listen to you and confide in you. If they continue to deny everything, but it is obvious they are using drugs, then go to any local pharmacy and buy a drug testing kit. Explain you are only doing this for their safety and they are not in trouble. They may be afraid or embarrassed to tell you. They may feel like a failure in your eyes. As their parent they really need your love and support right now not a lecture. Again remember when you were in high school and how difficult it was to tell your parents certain things. Good luck.
Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with teens and has over 24 years experience and his work is nationally recognized. To find out more about Dr. Michael Rubino visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at Facebook.com/Drrubino3
In past years there have been debates between people saying Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. The United States has people from various ethnic backgrounds and religions living in our Country. There are also many people who have no religious beliefs. Our Country is suppose to be the “great melting pot.” Therefore, we are suppose to all live together peacefully and respectfully together.
Unfortunately, it does not appear we are living up to the goal of being the “great melting pot.” We have people who are singling out certain nationalities and trying to prevent them from immigrating to the United States. We have also seen a 57% increase in crimes against people of Jewish decent. For example, last year the largest amount of Jewish people in the United States where killed at one time as they were worshiping in their Temple. This type of violence has not occurred for decades, but it is back. Freedom of religion is one of the core beliefs of the United States. However, it does appear that core belief is eroding and possibly disappearing.
In addition to increase discrimination towards ethnicities and religions, there is an increase in the discrimination towards people who are homosexual or identify as anything other than heterosexual. The United States Declaration of Independence states, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” These are the beliefs that our Country is based on and what our Country represents. It states “all men” not just Caucasian people, not just Christian people and not just people who are heterosexual.
The Declaration of Independence and Constitution assume that we may have differences in our cultures or religious beliefs, but that we can all live together peacefully and respect one another. Unfortunately, when we see a 57% rise in hate crimes towards people who are Jewish, and an increase in crimes against Asian Americans, we are not living together peacefully or respectfully.
This brings me to the debate between Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I am a proud Italian, Catholic, American, however, my family taught me to respect people regardless of ethnicity, religion or sexual orientation. Therefore, I always wish people Happy Holidays. In the United States during this time of year we celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa (I am sure there are some religious celebrations I missed) and New Years. If I am going to be respectful, Happy Holidays is the most appropriate saying not Merry Christmas. Some one may not be Christian and they may have no religious beliefs at all. However, most likely they celebrate Thanksgiving and New Years. Happy Holidays covers this without imposing my beliefs on someone else. Everyone who is Christian think about this point, what if you were not allowed to say Merry Christmas or if the entire Country acted like Christmas did not exist? How would that make you feel? You probably would not like it.
Therefore, I think we need to return to our roots: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” This is a very powerful statement and in order to honor it we must respect all cultures, religions and sexual orientations. This statement is what makes the United States so different from every other country in the world. If we are going to honor our Country then Happy Holidays is the appropriate greeting during this time of year not Merry Christmas. If you are Christian it is appropriate to say in your home and at your Church not at work or out in public.
We also need to look at the amount of violence that is occurring in our Country. Besides fire drills at schools, now children are having to do mass shooting drills. Schools are actually practicing and teaching first and second graders what they need to do if there is a mass shooting at their school. Many children are frightened by these drills. They do not know if they are practice or real and they are afraid that they will be killed at school. There are a number of reasons why we have these mass killings, but the lack of respect we show to each other cannot be helping the situation. Therefore, out of respect for everyone when you are in public try using Happy Holidays. When you are at home or among family and friends use the greeting that works for your family.
Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 24 years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.
We live in an area where most kids have more than they need. For example, most fifth graders have Smartphones, IPads and laptops. However, many parents worry are they providing their children with enough. Many parents are so worried about if the teen or child has enough that they often don’t realize how fortunate most children are in this area.
While parents are worrying about meeting the needs of their teens so they have they same amount of stuff as other kids, they often forget to teach their teens about gratitude. Yes it is very important to meet a child’s basic needs, but it is also important that teens are grateful for what they do have and the sacrifices their parents make for them.
Gratitude is an important lesson and gift for children. What some parents may want to do is instead of buying your child a large number of things is to teach their child about gratitude. In the United States, we have many children who are homeless and hungry. Yes, in the United States, we do have homeless children. We also have many children who have more toys than they need and are unaware that there are children who are homeless in our Country. Therefore, think about taking you and your family to the store to buy children who’s families cannot afford gifts, some gifts for the Holidays. May be you and your family can donate some time at a homeless shelter or cleaning out your closets and donate items you are no longer using to the Salvation Army. While doing these things, teach your child about the fact that there are others in need and to appreciate what they have in their lives. Also that giving can be more important than receiving.
Furthermore, I read an article by Joshua Becker and he listed gifts that parents give to their children every day and that children usually do not forget these gifts. I think it is important for parents to remember the daily priceless gifts we give children daily. Especially when your teen tries to make you feel guilty because other parents give their teens more.
Here are some of Joshua Becker’s thoughts. I have countless memories. Very few childhood memories actually include the things I received. I distinctly remember the year that I got a blue dirt bike, the evening my brother and I received a Nintendo, and opening socks every year from my grandparents. But other than that, my gift-receiving memories are pretty sparse. Which got me thinking… what type of gifts can we give to our children that they will never forget? What gifts will truly impact their lives and change them forever?
To that end, here is an alphabetical list.
35 Gifts Your Children Will Never Forget:
1. Affirmation. Sometimes one simple word of affirmation can change an entire life. So make sure your children know how much you appreciate them. And then, remind them every chance you get.
2. Art. With the advent of the Internet, everyone who wants to create… can. The world just needs more people who want to…
3. Challenge. Encourage your child to dream big dreams. In turn, they will accomplish more than they thought possible… and probably even more than you thought possible.
4. Compassion/Justice. Life isn’t fair. It never will be – there are just too many variables. But when a wrong has been committed or a playing field can be leveled, I want my child to be active in helping to level it.
5. Contentment. The need for more is contagious. Therefore, one of the greatest gifts you can give your children is an appreciation for being content with what they have… but not with who they are.
6. Curiosity. Teach your children to ask questions about who, what, where, how, why, and why not. “Stop asking so many questions” are words that should never leave a parents’ mouth.
7. Determination. One of the greatest determining factors in one’s success is the size of their will. How can you help grow your child’s today?
8. Discipline. Children need to learn everything from the ground-up including appropriate behaviors, how to get along with others, how to get results, and how to achieve their dreams. Discipline should not be avoided or withheld. Instead, it should be consistent and positive.
9. Encouragement. Words are powerful. They can create or they can destroy. The simple words that you choose to speak today can offer encouragement and positive thoughts to another child. Or your words can send them further into despair. So choose them carefully.
10. Faithfulness to your Spouse. Faithfulness in marriage includes more than just our bodies. It also includes our eyes, mind, heart, and soul. Guard your sexuality daily and devote it entirely to your spouse. Your children will absolutely take notice.
11. Finding Beauty. Help your children find beauty in everything they see… and in everyone they meet.
12. Generosity. Teach your children to be generous with your stuff so that they will become generous with theirs.
13. Honesty/Integrity. Children who learn the value and importance of honesty at a young age have a far greater opportunity to become honest adults. And honest adults who deal truthfully with others tend to feel better about themselves, enjoy their lives more, and sleep better at night.
14. Hope. Hope is knowing and believing that things will get better and improve. It creates strength, endurance, and resolve. And in the desperately difficult times of life, it calls us to press onward.
15. Hugs and Kisses. I once heard the story of a man who told his 7-year old son that he had grown too old for kisses. I tear up every time I think of it. Know that your children are never too old to receive physical affirmation of your love for them.
16. Imagination. If we’ve learned anything over the past 20 years, it’s that life is changing faster and faster with every passing day. The world tomorrow looks nothing like the world today. And the people with imagination are the ones not just living it, they are creating it.
17. Intentionality. I believe strongly in intentional living and intentional parenting. Slow down, consider who you are, where you are going, and how to get there. And do the same for each of your children.
18. Your Lap. It’s the best place in the entire world for a book, story, or conversation. And it’s been right in front of you the whole time.
19. Lifelong Learning. A passion for learning is different from just studying to earn a grade or please teachers. It begins in the home. So read, ask questions, analyze, and expose. In other words, learn to love learning yourself.
20. Love. …but the greatest of these is love.
21. Meals Together. Meals provide unparalleled opportunity for relationship, the likes of which can not be found anywhere else. So much so, that a family that does not eat together does not grow together.
22. Nature. Children who learn to appreciate the world around them take care of the world around them. As a parent, I am frequently asking my kids to keep their rooms inside the house neat, clean, and orderly. Shouldn’t we also be teaching them to keep their world outside neat, clean, and orderly?
23. Opportunity. Kids need opportunities to experience new things so they can find out what they enjoy and what they are good at. And contrary to popular belief, this doesn’t have to require much money.
24. Optimism. Pessimists don’t change the world. Optimists do.
25. Peace. On a worldwide scale, you may think this is out of our hands. But in relation to the people around you, this is completely within your hands… and that’s a darn good place to start.
26. Pride. Celebrate the little things in life. After all, it is the little accomplishments in life that become the big accomplishments.
27. Room to Make mistakes. Kids are kids. That’s what makes them so much fun… and so desperately in need of your patience. Give them room to experiment, explore, and make mistakes.
28. Self-Esteem. People who learn to value themselves are more likely to have self-confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth. As a result, they are more likely to become adults who respect their values and stick to them… even when no one else is.
29. Sense of Humor. Laugh with your children everyday… for your sake and theirs.
30. Spirituality. Faith elevates our view of the universe, our world, and our lives. We would be wise to instill into our kids that they are more than just flesh and blood taking up space. They are also made of mind, heart, soul, and will. And decisions in their life should be based on more than just what everyone else with flesh and blood is doing.
31. Stability. A stable home becomes the foundation on which children build the rest of their lives. They need to know their place in the family, who they can trust, and who is going to be there for them. Don’t keep changing those things.
32. Time. The gift of time is the one gift you can never get back or take back. So think carefully about who (or what) is getting yours.
33. Undivided Attention. Maybe this imagery will be helpful: Disconnect to Connect.
34. Uniqueness. What makes us different is what makes us special. Uniqueness should not be hidden. It should be proudly displayed for all the world to see, appreciate, and enjoy.
35. A Welcoming Home. To know that you can always come home is among the sweetest and most life-giving assurances in all the world. Is your home breathing life into your child?
Of course, none of these gifts are on sale at your local department store. But, I think that’s the point.
Dr. Michael Rubino has 24 years experience working with teens and their parents. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work and his private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy or visit his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.
Today, December 14th, marks the nine year anniversary of the tragic shooting at the Sandy Hook Elementary school where many children and adults where senselessly killed. Since Sunny Hook more than 500,000 people in the United States have been killed by senseless gun violence. Additionally, there have been 350 school shootings since Sandy Hook Elementary and 28 of those shootings occurred this year (CDC). Also since the Columbine shooting in 1999, 278,000 students have been exposed to gun violence, 157 students have been killed and 357 students have been injured by school shootings (Gun Violence Archive).
In reviewing the subject of school shootings, I read an article by Cody Fenwick regarding children and gun violence. His article was very alarming. Since it is the nine year anniversary of the Sandy Hook shooting and it has been 3 years since the Parkland school shootings, Fenwick’s article about children and guns is very important. His article also outlines a strong connection to guns and the senseless shootings and to the alarming numbers of teenagers who commit suicide with a gun. The article by, Fenwick, confirmed what I am hearing from teenagers and children in psychotherapy. Additionally, other school shootings, such as the one in Nashville, or the shootings in the Synagogue in Pennsylvania or in the Texas Church, confirm the need for gun control. A point the statistics in Fenwick’s article support.
Many of us feel because we live in Pleasant Hill, Walnut Creek or Lafayette that our children and teenagers do not have to worry about gangs or gun violence. Unfortunately, this is not the truth. According to a new research study in the Journal of Pediatrics, guns continue to be the third-leading cause of death for Americans younger than 18 years old, killing around 1,300 children and teenagers a year in the United States. In addition, almost 6,000 children and teenagers are injured per year. Many teenagers are permanently disabled from these injuries.
The study examined data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the Consumer Product Safety Commission between 2002 and 2014. The study found that boys, especially older boys such as teenagers and minorities, were much more likely to be the victims of gun violence. The study did not say anything about where the boys lived. The facts are children who are male and teenagers, are at a higher risk for becoming a victim of gun violence. Therefore, teenagers in any area of the United States are at risk of becoming a victim of gun violence.
The study does indicate there has been a decrease in accidental deaths such as boys cleaning a gun. However, the rate as a method for suicide has increased. I have mentioned before in other articles that suicide is the second leading cause of death for 10 year old boys. This study confirms that statistic and indicates the preferred method of suicide for boys and teenagers are guns. According to Katherine Fowler, one of the lead researchers at the CDC, “Firearm injuries are an important public health problem, contributing substantially to premature death and disability of children.” Understanding their nature [guns] and impact is a first step toward prevention.”
When we look at these numbers, can anyone argue against taking steps to protect our children? Can you imagine a 10 year old boy using a gun to kill himself? Can you imagine a 10 year old boy feeling that his life is so bad at the age of ten that death seems like a better option than living?
The study indicates that in recent years guns were responsible for a large number of adolescent, males who were murdered. The study documented that deaths in the category of murder for boys under the age of 18 years old decreased to 53 percent. This is a decrease yet the rate is still 53%. The other causes of gun-related deaths include:
• 38 percent — suicides
• 6 percent — unintentional deaths
• 3 percent — law enforcement/undetermined cause
The study found 82% of those killed due to a gun were boys. This means 82% of gun deaths were boys who were children or teenagers. Putting it another way, this means these boys were not even 18 years old yet at the time of their deaths. The study also found that Caucasian and American Indian children have the highest rate of suicide using a gun.
We also like to think that the United States in one of the most advanced nations in the world. However, the statistics show that the United States has the highest rate in the world for children under 14 years old committing suicide. Again, the United States has the highest rate of children under 14 years old using a gun to commit suicide. That number scares me and is appalling to me. However, as an adolescent and child psychotherapist, I do not doubt it. I have heard 6 year old boys seriously discussing suicide.
Furthermore, I hear teenagers routinely talking about needing to carry a knife or gun with them for protection. They tell me you never know when you will be jumped and you need to be able to protect yourself. In fact, a few years ago a teenager was shot on his front door step in Danville over a marijuana deal. When I mention to teens the risks they are taking by caring knives or guns, the boys tell me there is no guarantee they will live until 30 years old. They would rather die protecting themselves than doing nothing. Violence in our society has become so severe that many teenagers do not expect to live to the age of 30. Think about that fact.
As a society, we need to look at these numbers and ask ourselves some questions. What are we going to do in order to improve gun safety? Most importantly, why are children as young as 6 years old thinking about suicide? Also what are we going to do so that children who are suicidal have access to mental health care? This is our problem because it does happen in Pleasant Hill, Walnut Creek and Lafayette.The students at Park Side High School and the Parents from Sunny Hook have marched and petitioned for sane gun control laws. However, nothing has happened so why should children believe us when we say we can keep them safe?
Also the recent school shooting in Oxford, Michigan shows how we are not protecting children from gun violence or providing mental health care when needed. Here is an adolescent teenage boy who one one day researching buying ammunition and the next day drawing a picture of people being killed and saying I can’t stop the thoughts and I need help. The teen should have been hospitalized immediately for being a danger to self or others. Instead the school and the parents have a meeting and they decide the boy needs psychotherapy within 48 hours. Instead of sending the boy home, he is allowed to return to the classroom because the parents decide he should stay at school. As I said he should have been hospitalized and the school should have demanded he leave the campus immediately. However, because the adults failed to follow their duties, students at the school were killed and injured senselessly. You think we would have learned after Columbine, Sandy Hook or Parkland, but we didn’t. How many kids have to die at school before we act? Why won’t we enact sane gun laws?
Dr. Rubino has 24 years experience as a psychotherapist working with children and teenagers, trauma victims and first responders. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.facebook.com/drrubino3.
At this time of year most people are worried about finishing Christmas shopping before Christmas and making sure they get gifts for everyone they need to. This year due to the Coronavirus, the Holidays continue to be different including shopping for gifts and also families having money to afford food and rent in addition to Holiday gifts.
Furthermore, as I stated above, many people are out of work, they also are worried about having enough money for the Holidays. Besides buying gifts, people still need to pay the rent and buy food for the family. Therefore, some people will need to cut back on how much they spend on gifts and some people may not be able to afford to give gifts at all this year.
A common situation many parents worry about during the Holidays is what to do when your child receives a gift they don’t like or want. They are worried about their child saying something in front of their grandparents or their great aunt that they don’t like the gift and tossing it to the side. The parents feel embarrassed and are concerned that their child hurt their grandparents or great aunt’s feelings especially since many people are having difficulties affording gifts. This definitely applies to grandparents who are living on limited incomes.
All of these worries regarding gifts can ruin Christmas for people. We should be more concerned about the spirit of the Holidays. The Holidays are about spending time with the people who are important to us not gifts. Granted due to the Coronavirus, we may have to do this by Zoom instead of in person, but it’s acknowledging those people in our lives that are important to us which is the most important part of the Holidays.
If you child says something inappropriate about a gift, remember you cannot control what children will say all the time. Also the adults should understand that children do not think the same way as adults and will try not to take it personally.
All you can do is talk to you children about what to do if they receive a gift they don’t like so they will not hurt someone’s feelings. Additionally, you hope that Great Aunt Sally is mature enough to understand how children act. However, once again the focus should be on celebrating life and love not gifts.
As a helpful resource and gift I have included a link to a guide to your questions about giving & receiving Christmas gifts & how to handle gift situations http://www.designsponge.com/20… via designsponge
Dr Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who has over 24 years experience working with children and adolescents. In addition to working with trauma victims and first responders. For more information about his work and