How Cyber Bullying Kills

How Cyber Bullying Kills

Bullying is at an epidemic rate for school age children (CDC). Bullying is a problem many children and teenagers face on a daily basis and it is related to a large number of suicides. In fact, I read an article about a 15 year old girl in Pensilvania who killed herself which had a big impact on me. She was the victim of bullying at school. The family described her as a nice, caring girl. However, the bullying was severe enough to cause her to take her own life.

We need to remember that bullying is no longer just something that happens at school. Also it is no longer just part of childhood. With social media, bullying has become viscous. This 15 year old girl is not the first child to commit suicide due to bullying. The bullying we are talking about is Cyber Bullying. It is happening very often in elementary, middle and high schools. There are also cases of suicide due to cyber bullying in College students. Cyber Bullying can occur 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The victim can receive emails and texts all day and all night. Additionally, the people doing the cyber bullying can post on social media sites. Therefore, they can be posting items on Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat. As a result, the bullying does not just happen at school and rumors about the victim can be spread world wide. Since they are using social media the perpetrators can hide behind a computer screen. Using the computer makes it harder to identify perpetrators because they can establish false accounts. This makes cyber bullying very dangerous. We need to remember a child’s suicide impacts and forever changes an entire family. A parent’s life is never the same after the death of a child especially if it is a suicide. Also the siblings of the suicide victim are never the same either.

In this girls obituary, the family openly discusses how they have been torn apart by the death of their daughter. The describe how they expect this feeling to last for a while. They also discuss trying to come to terms with this event. They cannot understand why kids would bully one kid so severely so the child be bullied feels that suicide is their only option.

We need to pay attention to what these parents are saying. Bullying has reached epidemic rates, as I stated above, and has become very vicious. Besides losing a young person too early, the entire family are victims of the bullying. Parents lose a child, siblings lose a sibling, grandparents lose a grandchild. The worse part is no one can make sense of the death. Why do we have children who feel the need to bully a child so severely that a child commits suicide? We need to think about this issue. I hear many children in psychotherapy reporting being bullied. These children are being bullied at school and at home through social media, as I stated above. We must remember that Bullying has changed. Besides being teased at home, there are posts bullying them on Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram just to name a few social media sites. It doesn’t stop with social media. They receive emails and texts on a constant basis and these emails and texts are sent to other students too. In my opinion, this bullying is very vicious and emotionally exhausting. There person being bullied never gets a break from the bullying. Because they never get a break they have difficulties dealing with their emotions and their thoughts about themselves get twisted. They are so embarrassed about be bullied that they are ashamed to tell their parents. They feel they must have done something to deserve the bullying. Therefore, they tend not to tell their parents because they do not want to disappoint their parents.

We can take a lesson from this girl who committed suicide. After expressing their feelings, the parents closed the obituary with a simple request. They asked in lieu of flowers that we be kind to each other. This is the key. If kids who are bullying could put themselves in the shoes of the person they are bullying, they might stop. Also we need to look at the kids doing the bullying. What has happened to them to cause them to be so cruel to another person? Many bullies are victims of physical or severe emotional abuse. In order to solve the problem the person being bullied and the person bullying need to be treated.

In the mean time, we can honor the requests of this girl’s parents and be kind to each other. If you want to read the entire obituary here is the link. Family Of Teen Who Killed Herself Has Message For Bullies In Obituary https://patch.com/pennsylvania/northampton/obituary-pa-teen-who-killed-herself-bullies-its-not-too-late-change-your

Dr. Michael Rubino has 20 years experience treating children and adolescents. For more information regarding Dr. Rubino’s work or his private practice visit one of his websites http://www.rcs-ca.com or http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

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Facts about Cyber bullying

Facts about Cyber bullying

‪With the advances in technology our lives has changed so has Bullying. Many parents are unaware about what cyber bullying is and how it occurs. Many parents ask me about it because they are worried about it. Teens are now using phones and computers to bully. This way the bullying doesn’t stop at school and can occur 24 hours a day. Also if teens are using social media such as Facebook, the bullying goes well beyond school. There have been a number of suicides due to cyber bullying. The victim could not tolerate the pressure and felt death was a better option. Here is a good article about cyber bullying describing how it occurs and how it impacts teenagers. How to Recognize Teen Cyberbullying @newportacademy https://www.newportacademy.com/resources/restoring-families/teen-cyberbullying/?utm_source=mailchimp‬.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating teenagers. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website at http://www.rubinocounseling.com

Help My Teenager’s Bedroom is a Disaster

Help My Teenager’s Bedroom is a Disaster

An issue that comes up daily with teenagers in psychotherapy is their bedroom. Many parents tell me that their teenager’s bedroom is like a junk yard. Parents are embarrassed by the bedroom and feel the teenager is being disrespectful. Many parents ask me should they demand that their teenager clean their bedroom. Also many parents ask about is it appropriate if they search their teenager’s bedroom. Also during the summer, but I hear it all year long, parents feel teenagers spend too much time in their room Let’s deal with this one issue at a time.

Parents it is very important to remember to pick and choose your battles. There are a lot of issues you will need to discuss with your teenager. Therefore, it is important to ask yourself, is it worth an argument? Teenagers are at a point in their life where they do need their privacy. They are also at a point where they are trying to find their own identity. Their bedroom is a place they use for part of this process. Also you want your teenager to learn responsibility. Their room is something they can be responsible for.

My recommendation is not to make an issue of their bedroom. You have more important issues such as school, how late your teen wants to stay out, where they want to go and the common issues of alcohol, drugs and sexual activity. Therefore, their bedroom really is a minor issue. In my opinion it is not worth the fight. Arguing about their bedroom, which they view as their private space, can lead to bigger problems with some of the other issues I listed above. Also remember these are only some of the issues you will need to set guidelines and expectations about your teenager’s behavior. This is why I strongly recommend leaving the bedroom alone.

Many parents ask me, “then I should just let them live in a junk yard?” The answer is yes. However, there are some guidelines I do set with teenagers. I tell them that Mom and Dad are not going to clean their room as long as they comply with the following guidelines:

1. The bedroom door must be able to be closed so no one else has to look at the mess.

2. People can walk by the room without smelling anything such as rotting food.

3. There are no ants or bugs going into or coming out of the room.

4. They do not keep dishes in their room so Mom has dishes when she needs them.

5. They are responsible for getting their clothes out of the room and cleaned. They are also responsible for putting away their laundry.

If they do not follow these guidelines, then they are giving Mom and Dad permission to go in and clean the room as they see fit. I ask the teenager and parents to both agree to these guidelines. I also recommend writing down the guidelines. Therefore, two months from now if someone remembers the agreement differently, you have a document you can refer back to which states what everyone agreed to.

Therefore, I recommend to parents if their teenager can agree to these guidelines, let them live in a junkyard. If they forget to get their clothes to the washer then they will be the one wearing dirty clothes. This is helping them to learn responsibility. It also gives them a sense of independence which they need.

I remind teenagers, if you do not want Mom and Dad cleaning their room then they need to abide by the guidelines. I also remind them it is their responsibility to get their clothes to the washer. If they don’t then they will be wearing dirty clothes to school. I also remind them that they cannot stay home from school because they do not have any clean clothes. I am basically telling the teenager that their parents and I feel they are responsible enough to take care of their room. This again helps the teen feel more mature and understand that they have to start assuming more responsibility for theirselves.

Now for the next issue, searching your teenager’s room. I do not think it is something parents should do on a regular basis just because their child is a teenager. As parents you have a responsibility to make sure you are raising a responsible young adult and if they need help, you have an obligation to provide them with the help they need. Therefore, if you have valid reasons to believe your teenager is using drugs or alcohol on a regular basis, then yes search the room. A valid reason would be noticing the smell of marijuana on their clothes or coming from their room. Finding marijuana or alcohol bottles in their backpack or car that they use. Other signs could be changes in their behavior and grades that are associated with drug use. However, before searching the room, I would recommend when your child enters middle school that you discuss with your child about the conditions which would make you search their room. If you feel it is necessary, tell your teen that you will be searching their room. Obviously, you do not tell them a week a head of time so they can hide things. I suggest you calmly inform them when they are home that you will be starting to search their room in a few minutes. It is important you explain the reasons why you are searching their room.

Parents may be concerned about an argument. This may start an argument, but this argument is worth it. Remind your teen about the agreement the two of you had made about searching their room. If you feel your teenager is not mature enough to abide by the agreement and is likely to start a physical fight, then you do not tell them and search it when they are out of the house. Remember you are only searching the room if you feel your teen is having a serious problem and need professional help. As a parent, it is your responsibility to get them help when they need it. You will want to remember this fact because your teenager may be very angry with you. However, it is better to have an angry teenager than a dead teenager. Many of the drugs teens are using today can kill someone very quickly and teenagers are not usually aware of all the risks.

Therefore, in general respect the privacy of your teenager’s bedroom, however, if you notice signs that indicate your teen is having difficulties then search the room.

As for the last issue that becomes most apparent in the summer is parents feel teenagers spend too much time in their bedroom. They hear them staying up late, sleeping until noon and the rest of the time playing games on their laptops and talking with friends using the games. Yes this can be an issue. The best approach is to discuss this issue prior to summer. However, if you did not, it is not too late. Let your teen know you need to talk to them about their room. Do not attack telling them they are spending too much time in their room. They will simply stop listening and the discussion is over. Before talking to them think about what and why you are concerned about the time in their room. One major reason hopefully is you want the opportunity to spend some time with them. Explain your concerns and some possible solutions you have developed. At this point ask your teen how they feel and do they have any solutions. If you have a calm, caring conversation and you are willing to consider all options, you should be able to resolve the issue. Most teens want to hear that their parents care and want to spend time with them. They tend not to admit to these feeling but they are their. Also teens do better when they feel you have listened to their ideas and are not just telling them what to do.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience as a psychotherapist who teats teenagers and children. For more information regarding Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino 3.

The Truth about Mental Health in the United States

The Truth about Mental Health in the United States

Many of us assume that living in the United States provides us access to the best physical and mental health care in the world. Unfortunately, this is not true. One example of this fact comes from the ABC News Show 20/20 which aired on 9/11/15. An Olympic Athlete had been living with Bipolar Disorder for over 20 years even though her brother committed suicide due to being Bipolar. The family never discussed it due to shame associated with suicide and mental illness. The Athlete and her husband asked for help for 10 years and despite the fact she had all the symptoms and a family history of Bipolar, no one diagnosed her. She lives in the United States, her brother committed suicide because he was Bipolar and it still took 10 years for her to be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and not dismissed by psychiatrist as someone who was over reacting. Now that she is diagnosed she is dealing with the shame of being Bipolar.

We often hear parents complain that their teenager is driving them crazy or a teenager complaining how unfair their parents are to live with on a daily basis. However, there are another set of complaints that get ignored on a routine basis. The complaints that get ignored are parents begging for mental health care for their teen or a teen crying out for help by cutting themselves or running away on a regular basis. Many of us assume that if a parent wants mental health care help for their teen or if a teen needs help, all either one of them has to do is ask for help. Unfortunately, this is not how our world works. I have been working as a psychotherapist who treats teenagers for over 20 years. There have been many times I could not have a suicidal teenager hospitalized because the hospital had no beds for a suicidal teenager or the insurance refused to authorize the admission to the hospital.

It is very common for parents to ask everyone they can think of for help for their teenager and the only answer they get is, “I am sorry we cannot help you or your child.”

It is also not uncommon for teens to ask for help by admitting to someone that they are feeling suicidal and the teen is told stop being so dramatic or “sorry there is nothing we can do for you, but try calling this number.”

Some of you may assume that I must be exaggerating, but I am not. I have had many parents beg me to see their child because no one has any appointments or they don’t deal with their teen’s issues. When I interview the parents, they have been every where asking for help, but no one has offered any help or referred them to someone else because they don’t deal with their child’s issues.

For example, one Thanksgiving I had a mother have my answering service page me and she was begging me for help because her teen was suicidal. I referred her to the County hospital because based on what she said the teen needed to be hospitalized. She told me the County hospital gave her my telephone number because they had no more beds for anyone who was suicidal. The parents tell me they feel like no one cares.

Again, some people might believe this is an isolated case. Sadly this is not an isolated case. I specialize in treating suicidal and bipolar teens. There have been a number of times I have sent a suicidal teen by ambulance from my office to the County hospital only to have the teen released in less than an hour because the hospital had no beds. I had one person on the Psychiatric Crises Unit tell me on the telephone unless the person had a shotgun in their mouth not to send them to the Hospital because they had no beds for suicidal teens.

Now, some of you may assume the situation would be different if the teen had private insurance because I have been referring to the County Hospital. If you are thinking having private insurance would make a difference, you are wrong. I have had many private insurance companies deny my request to authorize additional therapy sessions for a suicidal teenager. When I remind the insurance that the teen is suicidal and needs therapy to prevent them from acting on their feeling, they often say to refer them to a community counseling center. When I remind them that most non-profit counseling centers have closed due to the economy they simply say sorry they have exhausted their benefits and they will no longer cover their treatment.

This puts the therapist in a difficult position. Do you just discharge the teen or do you continue to treat the teen for a low fee or for free? When 1 out of 5 teens have a psychological condition that needs treatment, what do you do when treatment is denied or there are no treatment options? Besides 1 out of 5 teens needing mental health care, the CDC has recently moved suicide from the third leading cause of death to the second leading cause of death for children 10 to 18 years old. Therefore, there are many teens who desperately need mental health care and can die without it. Also, when you examine the results further you find that teens who need therapy but fail to receive it are more likely to get involved with drugs, crime, are more likely to drop out of school, more likely to get pregnant or father a child and that child is more likely to become a foster child. These teens are also more likely to end up on probation, homeless and on welfare.

As a society we do not place much emphasis on mental health care. Mental health care programs are always some of the first programs cut when the budget is cutback. In fact if you look at the recent cut backs due to the Congress not balancing the budget, mental health programs were some of the first programs to be cut.

I find it very interesting that Contra Costa County had enough money to build a new Juvenile Hall, which is three times the size of the old Juvenile Hall, but there was not enough money to fund a large number of mental health services which had to be cut.

We often look at teens who are acting out and blame their parents. We ask why don’t they get their child the help they need? What stops them from helping their teenager? Why is the teen always getting involved with drugs or not going to school? The answer could be because the teen needs mental health care and the parents have been and continue to try to get their teen help but their is no help. The teen may be acting out because they are tired of asking for help and being in pain so they start looking for the easiest way out of pain.

If we want our teenagers to grow up to become productive members of society then we need to provide them with the mental health care they need. If we want parents to be responsible parents, then we need to provide parents options for how to get their teens help when they ask for it.

With the number of mass shootings, the significant increase in the number of children with anxiety disorders and the epidemic of teenagers cutting and teenage suicide, I am surprised we have not made it easier and more affordable for teenagers to get adequate mental health care. The President states we need to address mental health care, but I have seen very few changes in mental health care.

I have been treating teens for over 20 years and it is still a problem to get a teenager residential care if they need it. Also it is still difficult to get teens medication at an affordable price. I had a teen the other day who needs medication but they had no medical coverage to see a psychiatrist. The parent made an appointment but the fee for the visit was $450 and they would not reduce the fee. So what do they do?

We can write our Congressmen and Senators and demand that they fund community mental health centers. We can also demand that private insurance companies be required to offer teenagers and their families adequate mental health benefits based on what professional therapists are recommending. The professional treating the child knows what the child needs not some clerical worker with a Bachelors degree who is answering phone calls at the insurance company.

In short, if we want our teenagers to survive their teen years we all need to act together and demand that our children receive the treatment they need and deserve. Mental health care is not a dirty word. There is no difference between mental health and physical health. Therefore, they needed to be treated the same and we need to eliminate the stigma associated with mental health issues.

Finally, private insurance companies make huge profits and drive the cost of health care up based on how they do business. If we don’t start to speak up for our kids, they will never receive the care they need. Look at your next pay stub and look at how much you pay for health insurance and compare that to the benefits you receive. When you take your teenager to a psychotherapist most insurance companies only pay the therapist $75. Your copay is part of the payment. Your premiums are high, but they do not pay it out to providers they keep it.

Dr Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience working with teenagers and their parents as long as Bipolar patients. To find out more about Dr Michael Rubino and his private practice visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

What Do I Do, I think My Child is being Bullied?

What Do I Do, I think My Child is being Bullied?

Many kids, despite what they say, really enjoy school. They like seeing their friends, their teachers and learning. However, some kids are not as excited and even worried about going to school. Many of these kids have been bullied and they are afraid of being bullied again. The month of October is dedicated to bully awareness. Hopefully, this article will provide you with information you need to protect your child from being bullied. Hopefully, we may even be able to stop bullying.

Often when a child is being bullied they do not say anything to their parents until the bullying is really bad. They are afraid, especially boys, that you will see them as weak. They are also afraid that you will be disappointed in them for not defending themselves. Parents it’s important that you understand that you have not said anything or done anything to create this feeling in your child. Our society teaches children these messages, especially boys. Children receive these messages about being strong and solving their own problems from television, music, and video games. This is what the documentary “The Mask You Live In”, is trying to address. It is on Netflix and it might be helpful if you watch it.

It is very important to take bullying very seriously these days. It is no longer just one kid calling another kid names. The bullying today occurs at school and may include threats of being killed and it goes beyond school. Now bullies can continue their bullying via text messages, emails, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat. So the bullying becomes non-stop. It can really make someone feel worthless and that they would be better off dead. One example of a child being overwhelmed by bullying is a 13 year old boy, on the east coast, who committed suicide because he could not tolerate the bullying any longer. The boy committed suicide to escape the bullying. He is not the first child to commit suicide due to bullying. One 15 year old girl committed suicide due to bullying and she left a note to be placed in her obituary. In the note she asked kids to be kind to each other. Some kids are turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain and we are seeing a significant number of accidental overdosages resulting in teenagers’ deaths. We assume they were accidents, they could also be suicides staged to look like accidents. Also suicide has recently been moved from the third leading cause of death for kids 10 to 18 years old to the second leading cause of death for kids. Therefore, if kids have been commuting suicide to escape bullying, the rate of bullying has most likely increased significantly.

Bullying is not just an elementary school issue. It occurs in High School and College too. A few years back a college student committed suicide because his roommate secretly filmed him in his dorm room with another guy having sex. When the tape was posted on the college’s email for others to see, the boy was so ashamed because he had not made it publicly known that he was gay. He was so upset and humiliated that he ended up committing suicide.

As the rates for bullying in middle schools increase so do the number of suicides and drug use increase. However, this issue also occurs in elementary school and elementary students are committing suicide or starting to use alcohol and marijuana. We know it is a very serious problem in Elementary schools because suicide it is no longer the third leading cause of death for 10 year old children. Suicide is now the second leading cause according to the CDC statistics. Also fifth graders are beginning to use alcohol and marijuana.

Additionally, I am seeing more and more elementary students in therapy because they are being bullied at school. Many of these children are embarrassed because they feel they should be able to stop the bullying. They are also embarrassed and often don’t want me to tell their parents because they believe they must of done something to deserve being bullied. I explain to them they do not deserve it and they should not have to stop it on their own. I also explain that their parents would want to know so they can help them. I need to emphasize that Mom and Dad won’t blame you or be ashamed of you. It is amazing to see how relaxed these children become when I tell them this about their parents.

What should a parent do? One thing is parents should watch for the following warning signs that your child is a victim of a bully:

Avoiding activities they used to enjoy

Loss of friends or avoiding social situations

Problems sleeping

Complaining of stomachaches or headaches

Loss of appetite

Declining grades

Missing or damaged clothing or belongings

Self-destructive behaviors like running away from home

If you notice any of these or just have a sense something is wrong then talk to your child. However, when you talk to your child reassure them they did nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong with them and you are not upset or disappointed with them. Try to develop a game plan of how you are going to deal with it together and ask how you can be supportive. Also ask your child to promise you if they feel really sad like they want to hurt themselves that they will talk to you before they do anything. You may think this is ridiculous, but I use a no suicide contract with many children that I work with and they honor it. The contract lets them you know that you care about them and it is okay to talk about their feelings.

The other thing you can do as a parent is go to your child’s school and ask what is the school’s policy on bullying. You can also ask how the school watches for bullying, how is the policy enforced and what is being done to prevent bullying. You may ask the school to contact or you can volunteer to contact a group such as Challenge Day. This is an international organization that addresses bullying and they are located in Concord, California. I have seen their work and it is fantastic and kids love it.

Another thing you can do as a parent is start talking to your child about bullying on an occasional basis. This gives you a chance to let them know it’s not their fault and to develop a plan of action if it does occur. You should also discuss drugs and alcohol at the same time. I work with kids all day long and at times I am still shocked at how young kids are when they are starting to get involved with drugs and alcohol.

Keeping an open line of communication with your child is very important if you want them to come to you. Research still indicates that children are more likely to turn to their friends when they have a problem. This is good that they have this emotional support, but their friends don’t have the answers or solutions that they need. Remember it is best to speak to your child when you are in a calm environment and no one else, such as brothers or sisters, are around. Also remember the word HALT. It stands for:

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

If you sense your child is experiencing any of these feelings it is not a good time to talk. When you talk with your child you want it to be productive and for your child to feel like they are not being judged. Therefore, sometimes it is better to put off a conversation so you don’t end up in an argument. This is more likely to close the line of communication with your child.

I have mentioned several times that being bullied is not their fault. What I have seen from working with children who are bullies, abusive men and reviewing the research is that bullies really have very low self-esteem. In fact many times they lack a sense of themselves. The only way the feel important or alive is by putting someone else down. They do this because they are afraid the other kids might be able to figure out how lousy they feel about themselves. It is often said the best defense is a good offense. They hope that by acting like the big guy on campus that other people will see them as the big guy and they are able to keep their secret. Kids usually do this because it was done to them too.

Therefore, we need to remember the bully is usually a kid who has been abused too and is crying out for help. If we are going to stop the problem of bullying we need programs to help the bullies too. They are only repeating what they have been taught.

One last comment, I saw a school install a “buddy bench.” If anyone had been bullied, having a bad day, feeling lonely, all they had to do was sit on the buddy bench. Another student or teacher would then go over and ask how they could help. There was no shame associated if you sat on the buddy bench. It was presented as a brave choice. The school was using it as part of their program to stop bullying at school. This fantastic idea came from a 10 year old student. Children often have fantastic answers and we need to listen.

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with children and teenagers. He has over 20 years experience working with children and teens especially those who are victims of trauma. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website at http://www.rubinocounseling.com or his Facebook page at Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Facts about Teenage Boys Using Guns Across the United States

Facts about Teenage Boys Using Guns Across the United States

With the significant increase in mass shootings and the recent shootings in Gilroy, Texas and Ohio, I hear many children and teens talking about their safety at school and around town while they are playing or hanging out. Many teenagers seem to believe if they have a gun that will keep them safe. While researching this issue I read an article by Cody Fenwick regarding children and gun violence. His article was very alarming. September is dedicated to suicide prevention and October is dedicated to the issue of bullying so this month and next month are dedicated to safety issues involving teenagers and children. Therefore, it seems appropriate to address the issue of guns because they are a popular method of suicide and they can be used to bully kids too. In addition teenagers who cannot tolerate the bullying they have to endure every day often use a gun as their method of suicide. Some may use a gun to act out their frustrations too.

Many of us feel because we live in Pleasant Hill, Walnut Creek, Lafayette or Orinda that our children and teenagers do not have to worry about gangs or gun violence. Unfortunately, this is not the truth. According to a new research study in the Journal of Pediatrics, guns continue to be the third-leading cause of death for Americans younger than 18 years old, killing around 1,300 children and teenagers a year in the United States. In addition, almost 6,000 children and teenagers are injured per year. Many teenagers are permanently disabled from these injuries. For teenagers who commit suicide, guns are the second-leading cause of death. The CDC has recently moved suicide as the third-leading cause of death for teenagers to the second-leading cause of death. This is a scary fact that the rate of teenage suicides are increasing not decreasing.

The study examined data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the Consumer Product Safety Commission between 2002 and 2014. The study found that boys, especially older boys such as teenagers and minorities, were much more likely to be the victims of gun violence. The study did not say anything about where the boys lived. The facts are children who are male and teenagers, are at a higher risk for becoming a victim of gun violence regardless of where they live. Therefore, teenagers in our area are at risk of becoming a victim of gun violence.

The study does indicate there has been a decrease in accidental deaths such as boys cleaning a gun. However, the rate as a method for suicide has increased. I have mentioned before that suicide is no longer the third leading cause of death for 10 year old boys. It is now the second leading cause of death for boys 10 to 18 years old. This study confirms that statistic and indicates the preferred method of suicide for boys and teenagers are guns. According to Katherine Fowler, one of the lead researchers at the CDC, “Firearm injuries are an important public health problem, contributing substantially to premature death and disability of children.” Understanding their nature [guns] and impact is a first step toward prevention.”

When we look at these numbers, can anyone argue against taking steps to protect our children? Can you imagine a 10 year old boy using a gun to kill himself? Can you imagine a 10 year old boy feeling that his life is so bad at the age of ten that death seems like a better option than living? At the age of 10, he has given up hope for a decent life. This is a sad fact.

The study also indicates that in recent years guns were responsible for a large number of adolescent, males who were murdered. The study documented that deaths in the category of murder for boys under the age of 18 years old decreased to 53 percent. This is a decrease yet the rate is still 53%. The other causes of gun-related deaths include:

• 38 percent — suicides

• 6 percent — unintentional deaths

• 3 percent — law enforcement/undetermined cause

The study found 82% of deaths by guns were boys. This means 82% of gun deaths were boys who were children or teenagers. Putting it another way, this means these boys were not even 18 years old yet at the time of their deaths. The study also found that white and American Indian children have the highest rate of suicide using a gun.

We also like to think that the United States in one of the most advanced nations in the world. However, the statistics show that the United States has the highest rate in the world for children under 14 years old committing suicide. Again, the United States has the highest rate of children under 14 years old using a gun to commit suicide. That number scares me and is appalling to me. However, as an adolescent and child psychotherapist, I do not doubt it. I have heard 6 year old boys seriously discussing suicide.

Furthermore, I hear teenagers routinely talking about needing to carry a knife or gun with them for protection. They tell me you never know when you will be jumped or there will be a mass shooting and you need to be able to protect yourself. In fact, a few years ago a teenager was shot on his front door step in Danville over a marijuana deal which went bad. When I mention to teens the risks they are taking, they tell me there is no guarantee they will live until 30 years old. They would rather die protecting themselves than doing nothing.

As a society, we need to look at these numbers and ask ourselves some questions. What are we going to do in order to improve gun safety? How are adolescent boys getting access to guns? Most importantly, why are children as young as 6 years old thinking about suicide? Also what are we going to do so that children who are suicidal have access to mental health care? This is our problem because it does happen in Pleasant Hill, Walnut Creek, Lafayette, Orinda and Danville.

Dr. Rubino has 20 years experience as a psychotherapist working with children and teenagers. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Coping with Extended Family during A Divorce

Coping with Extended Family during A Divorce

A divorce is always a stressful event for the entire family. When it is a hostile divorce, meaning the parents will not talk to each other at all and fight over every little decision, it is especially stressful on the children. As a psychotherapist, who specializes in working with children caught in hostile divorces, I hear the children complain about their parents fighting and wishing it would stop. The children and teenagers tell me how confused they are by the arguing. They also talk about feeling helpless.

These children often state that they feel like they are in the middle of a civil war. Often they feel they need to choose Mom’s side or Dad’s side. This is how their parents’ fighting makes them feel and sometimes parents do push their children to choose a side. What children and teenagers really want is for their lives to be like they were before the divorce.

At times, parents involve the children in the divorce and they don’t realize what they are doing. Often parents say things about Dad or Mom in front of the children. When kids or teens hear about Mom or Dad, they sometimes feel they are expected to choose between the two. What parents often forget is this is a choice a child cannot make. They love both their parents and want a relationship with both, therefore they cannot pick between the two. This type of pressure on children creates depression, anxiety and children who act out at school as a way to cope with their stress and also some teens get involved with alcohol or drugs due to the stress.

Unfortunately, this pressure does not always end with the parents. Often grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins get involved. They talk negatively about the other parent so the kids feel like they should take aside. This creates even more stress for the children. When their grandparents are talking negatively about the other parent, sometimes the kids start to doubt themselves. They start to feel like they are doing something wrong by not choosing a side.

This pressured is intensified because usually both parents’ families are pressuring the children. The children become overwhelmed, confused and angry very quickly. First, there is no where for them to escape the pressures of the divorce. Also every time they think they have a handle on the situation someone in the family is giving them new information or pressuring them to take a side.

When this occurs, I see children become less involved in the family and more involved with friends. Also their grades tend to go down and they start to get into trouble at school. Some teens will start to get involved with alcohol and drugs. This usually occurs because the child or the teenager has come to the point where they do not care anymore. They are tired of hearing their parents fight and they are tired of getting pressured by their grandparents. They wish that someone would start to look at things from their point of view.

This is a very important point. When a family is going through a divorce the parents and extended family need to consider how the kids are feeling. Also they need to stop doing anything that makes the child feel like they have to take a side.

This means that parents do not discuss the divorce in front of the children. Also neither parent says anything negative about the other parent when their children are around. Finally, both parents tell their families not to discuss anything pertaining to the divorce when the children are around and they are not to say anything negative about the other parent. If the families cannot abide by these guidelines, then parents need to restrict visits to the grandparents. Furthermore, they can only see the grandparents when the parent is present so they can intervene, if the grandparents start saying negative things about Mom or Dad. You are not punishing the grandparents, you are protecting your children. Remember you can divorce your spouse, but you cannot change who your child’s mother is or father. You can also not change that they are related to both families.

In summary, a divorce is a difficult, sad experience for everyone. However, your children did not choose the divorce and are not getting divorced. So as their parent, you need to do whatever you can to minimize the stress and to ensure they are able to maintain a relationship with both parents and their parent’s families.

Dr. Michael Rubino has 20 years experience working with teenagers and children as a psychotherapist. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at http://www.rcs-ca.com or http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.