A Dangerous New Teenage Activity

A Dangerous New Teenage Activity

There is a disturbing new dangerous trend occurring in teenagers that parents need to know about so they can talk to their teenager. We know that many teenagers feel a sense of being invulnerable and nothing bad will happen to them and their friends. It appears that teenagers in Alabama are putting this belief to the ultimate test (CDC, CNN). As a result, they are risking their lives, their friends lives and the lives of their families for a few hundred dollars.

The starting point of this risky behavior is in Alabama and city mayors and paramedics have heard about the risky behavior and they are very concerned. Teenagers are having Coronavirus parties. They invite people who are infected with the virus to a party and then they sell tickets to the party to their friends and other teenagers. The first person who can provide proof from a physician that they have contracted the virus after attending the party wins all the money that was collected. Teens are using social media and word of mouth to advertise these Coronavirus parties. They do not consider how dangerous these parties are and that they are playing Russian Roulette with their lives and with the lives of any one they come in contact with after the party.

We know that teenagers brains are not fully developed until they are 25 years old and the last part of the brain developing is the prefrontal cortex. This part of the brain is responsible for more advanced functions such as reasoning and dealing with abstract concepts. Therefore, when the White House and President Trump are saying 99% of Coronavirus infections are not serious, some teenagers will listen to President Trump. Also when President Trump states we have the virus under control, again some teenagers will listen. They have difficulties reconciling statements from Dr. Fauci and the University of Washington which indicate the virus is not under control and reaching very dangerous levels in our Country. They are not sure who to believe. Also most teenagers don’t listen to a lot of news so they are not aware that United State citizens cannot fly to Europe because the virus is so much out of control in the United States that other countries don’t want to expose their citizens to the virus again. Even if you want to go to New York, the state of New York is requiring people to go into a 14 day quarantine. New York finally has the virus under control in their state and Governor Cuomo is doing what he needs to so New York keeps the virus under control. Therefore, since teenagers are hearing the virus is not a big threat and the President refuses to wear a mask, they are not aware how the virus is really impacting people or how dangerous it can be.

As a result, these Coronavirus parties don’t seem very dangerous to them and they could win $200. They are unaware that they can die from the Coronavirus. An 11 year old boy died in Florida from the Coronavirus so children do die from the Coronavirus (CDC). They also are unaware of the risk they are taking with their families lives. These parties seem like fun to them. It is summer and they are looking for ways to have fun especially having been in quarantine for the past 2 months. Additionally, no one can give them definite answers about school yet. Maybe they will be going to school on line or maybe they are going back to school part time. How they resume school also has an impact on their ability to see their friends and have fun hanging out with their friends. Therefore, they are dealing with a lot of uncertainty that no one can answer right now. However, these parties mean fun with their friends now, they can win some money and the President is saying they don’t need to worry about the virus. As a result, it is easy for their brains to decide to go to the party and have fun with their friends. Currently, it’s the only answer that makes sense to them when they look at how the President and the government are responding to the pandemic.

We are in the middle of a global pandemic. As of today, 136,000 people in the United States have died from the Coronavirus (CDC). Today another 792 people in the United States died (CDC). When we have hundreds of people dying everyday from the Coronavirus, we should not be making this a political issue. All this accomplishes are more people getting infected and more people dying. It also increases the amount of stress and anxiety that our children and teenagers are experiencing. This anxiety results in more teenagers needing psychotherapy for anxiety disorders and more teenagers turning to alcohol, drugs (CDC) and now Coronavirus parties as a way to cope.

Parents what your teenagers need from you is for you to discuss the current situation with them and what are the current recommendations from the CDC. For example, when they go outside they need to wear a face mask and to keep 6 feet in between them and other people. Also to wash their hands regularly and to avoid touching their faces when they are out. Also have an age appropriate conversation about how dangerous the virus can be. Therefore, explain to teenagers how these Coronavirus parties are very dangerous. They can also transmit the virus to other family members or friends who have other health conditions resulting in that person’s death. Furthermore, if they do catch the virus some studies are showing people can have life long after effects such as depression or neurological issues. Overall the message should be since we do not know what this virus can do, it’s not something to ignore and needs to be taken seriously.

Discuss that you understand there are conflicting reports at times and this can be confusing. Therefore, if they hear things that are confusing or friends saying things that do not make sense, they should ask you. Together you can discuss the confusing information and look up the latest information on the CDC website or your county’s Coronavirus website. Bottom line explain that yes this is a very confusing time but if you work together as a family you can help each other to understand what is happening and to stay safe. Let the politicians play games with their careers and lives, but not your children’s or family’s lives.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information about his other work or private practice visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at facebook.com/drrubino3.

Teenagers Need to Earn Their Parents’ Respect

Teenagers Need to Earn Their Parents’ Respect

This article is slightly different from my other articles. This article is written for teenagers. Since most families have been spending more time together due to the pandemic and shelter in place orders, the issue of respect has been a popular household topic. Many teenagers feel very mature and often feel entitled to more freedom because they feel they are mature for their age, in their opinion. This is a common argument I hear from teens and they say they feel disrespected by their parents. Most parents have a different point of view and feel disrespected by their teenagers.

Parents while the target audience for this article is teenagers, you may find some of the issues I mention helpful when speaking with your teen. You may be able to use this article as a way to start a discussion with your teen about your house rules and respect.

In my office, I hear daily from teenagers how they feel disrespected by their parents. This is common problem between teens and their parents and has increased with the quarantine situation. Teenagers feel disrespected by their parents and that their parents treat them like children. Sometimes this may be true, but overall teens are expecting too much from their parents.
Yes it is true that as teenagers you are becoming young adults and that you should be able to handle more responsibility. The big word in that last sentence is SHOULD. Just because you turn 13 or 16 doesn’t mean you are in charge of your life. You are a YOUNG adult. Noticed I capitalized the word young. There is still a number of life experiences for you to learn and until you do, your parents are responsible for you, especially during the pandemic. There is a lot we do not know about the Coronavirus and the situation is changing daily with new health orders. It’s your parents responsibility to ensure you are safe.

A number of you have heard your parents say when you are 18 you can do as you like and that is the truth. Prior to you turning 18, any trouble you get into, your parents are responsible for it. If you damage property, your parents are legally responsible. If you get arrested and put in Juvenile Hall, your parents receive a bill from the County for the length a time you were in Juvenile Hall. In other words, legally and financially you are responsible for yourself and your actions. However, your parents are still available to help especially during the pandemic when no one is sure about what is happening in the world.

You may think that prior to the age of 18 that you do not need your parents, but you need their permission to drive and basically for anything you want to do. Even if they give you permission for you to drive and you get your license, they have the ability to have your driver’s license suspended at any time they want while you are under the age of 18. Also if your parents are divorced, both parents must sign the consent for your driver’s license. You cannot play your parents against each other to get your driver’s license.

As I started off, now that you are a teenager you SHOULD be able to handle more responsibility. This responsibility is not an automatic gift you receive when you turn 13. This respect you so desperately want is something you have to earn. How do you earn it? You earn it by respecting the rules that your parents have set and by taking care of your responsibilities – for a teen, your primary responsibility is school. This means going to school on a regular basis (or completing your online assignments during the pandemic), doing your homework and turning it in, earning decent grades and not making poor choices such as drinking alcohol or smoking cigarettes, marijuana or vaporizing. You may say this is unfair, well welcome to the adult world.

Ask your parents how many times they have to do something at work they feel is unfair, but if they want their job they have to do it. Ask your parents how many days they get up tired or not feeling well and they would prefer to stay home from work, but they still go to work. They go to work because the have a family to support and bills to pay. Your parents want you to succeed in life. If you feel they really are not giving you enough freedom, then ask your parents if you can discuss this issue with them. However, ask in a mature, respectful manner do not demand a conversation. When you discuss the issue with your parents have some things you have been doing, e.g., your homework, respecting curfew, that demonstrate you can handle more responsibility. Do not just demand it because your friends have it.

Remember the respect and maturity that you want, you must earn. You earn it by respecting your parents, other adults and recognizing that you have responsibilities. You do not get it because you turned 13 or because your friends have it. This can be a difficult time of life, but it can be a time when you learn a lot about the world and yourself. If you remember you need to earn your parents trust and you actively try to do so, your parents will work with you and start to trust you. The choice is yours, you can make your teen years difficult or make them easier by working with your parents – you decide.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who specializes in treating teenagers. He has over 20 years experience working with teenagers. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work with teenagers or his private practice visit his websites http://www.rcs-ca.com, http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Dealing with Anxiety When the Coronavirus is Out of Control

Dealing with Anxiety When the Coronavirus is Out of Control

Anxiety is a common issue for children especially when we were all on quarantine and kids having to attend school from home. Remember children’s imaginations are very active. During the last few months we have had conflicting information from the White House and the medical doctors, such as Dr. Fauci who is the expert, about the Coronavirus and what we need to do. Therefore, there has not been a lot to explain to children and they have heard a lot on the news. Many parents tell me they have limited the access to news but with their IPads, phones and friends, they hear more than we are aware of. Also don’t forget, prior to the pandemic the children were dealing with mass shootings on a daily basis. Therefore, children and teenagers already were dealing with a lot of anxiety before the beginning of the pandemic.

The White House had told us they had the virus under control and it was time to start reopening the economy. However, we now find out that this was not the truth. In fact, today our Country had its highest numbers for new cases, hospitalizations and deaths, since the beginning of the pandemic. Many states such as Florida, Texas and Arizona are reporting numbers indicating the virus is out of control in their states. The doctors are clearly stating we opened too soon and we will need to at least pause reopening and in many cases possible go back to shelter in place. California is re-evaluating their numbers and most countries will be issuing new health orders that will take effect immediately. This will definitely increase anxiety for children, teenagers and parents. In other words, it will increase anxiety for everyone.

According to the CDC and what I have seen in my patients, anxiety has been at epidemic levels for children for awhile. The most common reason children are coming into therapy right now is anxiety or depression associated with the state of our Country (mass shooting, riots and the pandemic). Many parents want to know what they can do in between therapy sessions to help their child with their anxiety, especially now since, many people are experiencing an increase in anxiety as the pandemic spins out of control. I ran across an acronym by Lori Lite that is designed to help children who are anxious. The acronym is ASSURE. I will explain what is stand for and how to use it below.

A – Align with your child
 with their body language
 with their tone and volume of speech
 validate their feelings
S – Share your experience
your feelings in stressful moments
mistakes you’ve made and how you emerged from them
how you cope with stress in day-to-day situation
perspective you’ve gained from seeing “this too shall pass”
S – Skills-training
give them words for feelings and worries
get them involved in appropriate exercise and activities to release stress
teach and model coping strategies like visualization, deep breathing, positive imagery
U – Uncover stress-related signs and symptoms
body aches – head, stomach
irritability and mood change
appetite change
sleep changes
R – Reassure them
that they’ll come through
that you’re there for them
that you’re proud of the effort they’re investing in calming and coping
things will normalize – recall examples
E – Engage the topic when they’re calm
listen to what they say and don’t say
respect their process in overcoming stress and worry
brainstorm options while they’re calm, since that’s when the “thinking” part of the brain is turned on.
This may not eliminate their anxiety all together, but it should help reduce their anxiety. Also remember if their anxiety is severe also seek psychotherapy for your child with a therapist who specializes in treating children. Psychotherapy can now be done via telemedicine so there is no risk of exposing them to the virus. Between the mass shootings and the pandemic caused by the Coronavirus, our children are living through historic times. We have never experienced events like we currently are experiencing so there should be no surprise that children may need psychotherapy at this time.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. His practice does offer telemedicine. For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Gay Pride and Teenagers

Gay Pride and Teenagers

This month we celebrate Pride month. We celebrate that people have a right to be homosexual, transsexual and transgender. We also celebrate a recent Supreme Court ruling guaranteeing gay and transgender people are entitled to the same protection on their jobs as everyone else. In a number of ways, this is correct. Homosexual marriage has been legal in our country for a few years and there are many laws now.Therefore, the laws are acknowledging that regardless of sexual orientation, we are all human beings entitled to the same rights.

While there has been progress is it enough? As a psychotherapist who treats adolescents, I would say no. I still have parents who bring their teenager who identifies as homosexual or transgender into therapy. They do not bring the teen in for therapy to help them deal with the social pressures they are encountering at school and other places. No they bring their teen into me so I can fix them. Many parents still consider these feelings to be a teenage phase or that someone convinced their child to think and feel this way. When I explain to parents there is nothing to fix, many parents do not believe me. They tell me they will take their teen to someone who will fix them.

It is true that at times during adolescence or young adulthood, college age, that some people may have doubts about their sexuality and may even experiment. Just because some teens do question doesn’t mean every teenager questions. Think back to when you were a teenager, sexual feelings were very confusing. Therefore, some teens do question. However, I also have seen many teens who are not questioning. I have worked with many teens who know their sexuality for sure. They are not questioning and many of these teens tell me they have known their sexuality since they were little children.

When parents are still brining teens in for me to fix them and they are still being harassed and bullied at school, I do not think we have made a lot of progress. Yes some progress has been made, but we still need to make more progress.

One example that indicates we still need to make progress is suicide. The suicide rate for teenagers in general has increased from the third leading cause of death to the second leading cause of death. However, the rate is much different for homosexual or transgender teenagers. It is estimated that the suicide rate for teens who identify as homosexual, transgender, transsexual or questioning is five times the rate of the “average” teenager (The Trevor Project)). Think about this, for the general population of teens suicide is the second leading cause of death and those who identify as LGBT are five times more likely than the average teen to commit suicide. This means there are millions of teens killing themselves due to their sexual feelings and stereotypes that are outdated. Also the five times is an estimate. Many teens who attempt or commit suicide may have told no one about their sexual feelings. Also sexuality is not part of an autopsy. Therefore, the number is probably higher.

Another fact which indicates we still have work to do is that teenagers who identify as homosexual or transgender have few places to go to for help. Many are afraid to seek therapy from a private therapist because they are afraid the therapist will tell their parents. Legally a psychotherapist cannot tell parents if their teen is questioning their sexuality, but many teens are not willing to take that chance. There are very few non-profit groups dedicated to the topic because stereotypes still exist. I practice in the East Bay Area of San Francisco and I only know of one non-profit, the Rainbow Center, which provides services to teenagers who are questioning their sexuality.

Fifty years later, after people were killed in a nightclub for being gay, teenagers should not have to be dealing with these stereotypes at home and at school and there should be support services available. We need to eliminate the stigma associated with sexuality and mental health, we need to educate parents and schools about teenagers sexuality and we need more mental health services for teens. As psychotherapist we need to do a better job of educating the public that if a teenager tells us they are homosexual or transsexual or transgender, we cannot break confidentiality. Meaning we can tell no one not even there parents. We also need to educate parents this is not a disease that we cure. Sexuality is a normal part of being a human being and there are various forms of sexuality and they are all normal. Again, think about those suicide rates and how many teens we lose every year because of a stereotype. This is ridiculous!!

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over twenty years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Teenagers Need Appropriate Role Models

Teenagers Need Appropriate Role Models

As a psychotherapist who specializes in treating teenagers, I often hear how they are disrespectful, oppositional and have little to no respect for authority figures and rules. I also hear how many people feel that their teenagers do not feel the rules apply to them and that teenagers feel they can pick and choose the rules they are going to follow. Because I work with teenagers daily, I would agree many teenagers due act like this at times. However, when I watch the news this week, it makes sense why teenagers are acting the way they do. We have a President who is making fun of a pandemic and refuses to comply with the laws. He wants everyone else to comply with the laws, but he doesn’t want to. Therefore, he refuses and we are supposed to say that his behavior is acceptable.

Look at what has occurred in Tulsa, Oklahoma and Phoenix, Arizona. Both states are experiencing a significant increase in the number of people being hospitalized with the Coronavirus virus. Dr. Fauci, the leading expert in the world regarding the virus, has stated that the virus is out of control and we need to practice social distancing and wear masks to try to manage the virus. In fact, other countries such as South Korea and New Zealand have been able to control the Coronavirus by using testing, social distancing and requiring people to wear masks. Everyone in these countries had to follow these guidelines even their leaders. These are also the recommendations of the CDC. They are recommending testing, social distancing and face masks as a way to control the virus.

Now the President is aware of these guidelines and he should be setting the example as the President, however he is doing the opposite. He had a rally in Tulsa, Oklahoma ignoring all the guidelines and 10 of his staff people contracted the Coronavirus. Today he is holding a rally in Phoenix, Arizona where wearing face masks is an order by the mayor, but the President is not using a mask. He is blatantly ignoring the rules which everyone else in Phoenix, Arizona must follow. Additionally, his refusal regarding anyone wearing masks has intimidated the mayor and governor of Arizona. They are allowing the rally to take place with no social distancing being used and no one being required to wear a face mask. Arizona has already used 80% of their ICU beds for patients with the Coronavirus and they recorded another recorded breaking number of hospitalizations today (CDC). Is holding the rally today under the conditions the President wanted, responsible behavior for the President? Why is the President allowed to ignore the laws of Phoenix, Arizona? The mayor was afraid to enforce the law on the President’s rally and said so in an interview she gave regarding the rally and the President and face masks (CNN). She did not want to argue with the President or upset him.

Now you have teenagers seeing these events and hearing the requirements for social distancing and wearing face masks. You also have teenagers seeing the President disregarding all the rules and nothing happening to him. Additionally, they hear about the President lying about the virus. At the rally in Tulsa he stated the virus was not a big deal and prior to the rally he said the numbers for the virus were very low and it was just going to disappear. All these statements are lies. The number are going up and the virus is not disappearing. Florida, Texas, Arizona, Oklahoma and California are all reporting record number of new Coronavirus cases and record number of hospitalizations since the pandemic started (CDC). However, nothing happens to the President when he lies and misleads the public about the pandemic which endangers lives. In fact, his staff claims he was just joking so we can ignore his remarks. However, the President proudly contradicted his staff and said he doesn’t joke around. If the President can lie about something as serious as the pandemic and no one holds him accountable, what are we teaching teenagers?

As for respect, he continues to use Twitter to call people names, threaten people exercising their right to freedom of speech and complaining that the media and Supreme Court don’t like him and are being unfair to him. This is exactly the type of behavior we expect and see from teenagers using social media. However, how do we expect them to follow the rules, when the President ignores the rules. In fact, when teenagers are getting in trouble for their posts they feel it’s unfair because the President is never held accountable for his posts. Society is expecting them to comply with the laws, but the President, the most powerful man in the world, doesn’t have to follow the laws. We are being hypocrites and teenagers have a right to complain.

I wrote a prior article on this subject, but I am writing this one today because the situation is very serious. We have a President who demeans people daily and who is misleading people regarding the status of the pandemic. We are supposed to be the strongest and be the smartest nation in the world, however we have the largest number of people with the Coronavirus virus and the most deaths than any other nation in the world. His disregard for the medical experts recommendations are putting people’s lives in danger and causing the death of thousands of people. In addition to this serious issue, he is teaching the teenagers of our Country that it is acceptable to demean people, to be disrespectful, to lie and to just think about what is best for you ignoring everyone else. If we do not act, the Coronavirus will kill thousands of additional people, maybe one of your children, and some teenagers will see his behavior as acceptable and act like him. We will have a very difficult time changing how these teenagers act and some of them we won’t be able to change their attitudes. Therefore, we will have a generation of lying, narcissistic, racist adults. This is a sad outlook for our Country. Parents this leaves you with a very tough job. Explaining to your teenagers why it’s important for them to act as respectful, caring people regardless of how the President acts and to vote for role models you want your teenagers to follow.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

How To Improve Your Relationship with Your Teenager During the Pandemic

How To Improve Your Relationship with Your Teenager During the Pandemic

Many parents worry because their teenager talks more to their friends than to them. Often many parents feel like a failure because their teenager is spending more time with friends than them. However, with the quarantine many teenagers have not been able to hang out with friends. They have maintained contact by texting, FaceTime, Zoom and gaming. Some parents have seen this as an opportunity to increase the amount of time they spend with their teenagers and as an opportunity to improve their relationship with their teenagers. This is an excellent idea. Unfortunately some parents who are concerned that their teen spending too much time with friends may result in their teen becoming involved with drugs or other issues. They feel they can use this extra time to pry into their lives and find out what their teenager is really doing. Unfortunately, this idea eliminates the opportunity of improving your relationship with your teenager. By improving your relationship with your teenager, you increase the probability that your teenager will open up to you if they are in trouble. Unfortunately many parents tell me they have decided they way to resolve this issue is that, “”I am going to be my teenager’s best friend” as a way prevent these problems or finding out about them. Unfortunately, many of these parents do not understand that it is normal developmentally for teens to spend more time with their friends.

The solution that you are going to be your teen’s best friend is wrong!! You do not want to be your teen’s friend. You need to be your teen’s parent. Your teen has enough friends. Your teen doesn’t need another friend, they need a parent. They need someone to educate them about life and how to make decisions.

Remember, as a parent it is your responsibility to help guide your teen to be successful as an adult and in life as a productive member of society. This means at times you will have to set firm boundaries, educate them about life and sometimes tell your teen no. It is important to remember being a parent is not a popularity contest. You must set appropriate limits for your teen which means at times they will be mad at you. It is okay if they are mad at you. This is part of the process a teenager experiences as they are maturing into an adult.

Despite what they say, most teens want and like boundaries. At times they can be very helpful to your teen. They may be faced with a great deal of peer pressure to do something that they do not want to do and they can use you as the excuse why they cannot do it. Some may say this is immature because the teen is using their parent as an excuse, but we put our teens in a very, very difficult world so I think they are allowed some extra help now and then.

Another reason why should you not be your teen’s friend because your word and rules will mean nothing to your teen, if you are their friend. A friend is defined as a close associate. In other words, teenagers see their friends as equals. Now think about what this implies, if you are equals, you are on the same level as your teen. Therefore, they think they know as much as you do and since you are equals they can choose to follow your rules or ignore them as they see fit.

I run into this problem daily in my office. A parent will say “we have always been best friends, I talk to my teen and their friends about everything and we have good times together hanging out. I don’t understand why they disregard my authority as their parent.”

The answer is simple: you eliminated your authority as the parent and made yourself an equal as a friend. If you want your teen to respect your authority as the parent, you must remain the parent and not be the friend.

Consider the decisions these teens have to make every day. They are faced with issues regarding alcohol, drugs, sex, gangs and decisions about careers in their future. Teens live in a very difficult and complex world today. They need parents to help set appropriate boundaries and guide them so they make the best choices for themselves and avoid a great deal of trouble. You can only do this as a parent. Remember, as a parent you are not in a popularity contest. You have a responsibility to help guide your teen. If you want to help them survive high school then be the parent and make the tough, unpopular decisions that are in your child’s best interest. This will help your teen to respect you and the rules you made earlier you can enforce. If you set yourself as friend and equal, your teen loses respect for you, your advice and your rules. You find yourself powerless and you leave your teen on their own to decide what is appropriate behavior.

This is a difficult time for you and your teenager, but if you maintain your role as parent and your teen maintains their role as child you both will survive high school easier. Of course there will be difficult moments, but nowhere near as difficult if you blur the relationship boundaries.

Dr Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience working with teenagers and their parents. He is well respected in the community. To learn more about his work or private practice, visit his website at http://www.rcs-ca.com or http://www.RubinoCounseling.com. You can also visit his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3. You can also email him from this website, if you have questions.

Don’t Judge A Book By It’s Cover

Don’t Judge A Book By It’s Cover

These last couple of weeks there have been numerous protests regarding how African Americans are treated by police and by society in general. The point that has been being made over and over is that African Americans are not treated fairly in our society. Many people felt that with the election of President Obama that racism was over. Many people felt if a Black man could be elected President, how could our society be racist?

However, the racism and prejudice still continue. The death of George Floyd was a prime example that racism continues in our society. Additionally, the protestors are not just talking about obvious racism, they are protesting institutional racism which exists at many levels in our society. One place in exist is in our schools. Children and teenagers are not born with racism and prejudice, but we teach it to them as they grow up. We need to change how children are raised if we want to eliminate racism and prejudice.

One example is Jill Elliot’s blue eyed/brown eyed exercise. The day after Martin Luther King assignation’s, she put her third grade class through this exercise. At first she told her class research showed that Blue eyed people were better and made all the brown eyed children wear a necklace identifying them as brown eyed people. Within a couple of hours these third grade students, who they day before were treating each other as equals, were putting down the brown eyed children. The next day she said she had been mistaken and Brown eyed children were better so all the blue eye children needed to wear the necklaces. Again within a couple hours all of the Brown eyed third graders were forming prejudice attitudes about the blue eyed children and treating them according to these prejudice attitudes. This amazing exercise demonstrated how easily prejudice and racism are taught and how easily children will adapt to and treat others with the prejudice attitudes they have been taught by society. This was a very bold step for Mrs. Elliot to take, but it taught us a lot. Her exercise still works today. Oprah had Mrs. Elliot on a show and put the audience through the same exercise and 50 years later the results were the same. The thing many of us have found so amazing about this exercise is that with very little information prejudice and racism can take hold of people very quickly without people being aware of what is happening. In the original third grade class you had best friends stop being friends due to eye color. Thankfully the results were not long lasting. On the third day when Mrs. Elliot explained what she did the children stopped treating each other differently. However the point was clearly made how easy it is to teach children to be prejudice and how easy it is to keep prejudice and discrimination going.

The 1984 movie, The Breakfast Club, is another excellent example of how we teach children to be prejudice and to discriminate. In the movie five teenagers representing the common high school stereotypes, the rich popular kid, the jock, the nerd, the weirdo and the juvenile delinquent, are all together having to serve Saturday school for various mistakes they made at school. The teacher overseeing the Saturday school reacts to the teens according to the stereotype the fit. He asks them to write an essay describing themselves.

At the beginning of the movie the teens treat each other according to the stereotypes. As a result, they are rude to each other and put each other down when ever they can. They never stop to think how they are making each other feel even when it’s obvious they are hurting someone’s feelings. It’s all part of the stereotypes they have learned so it’s alright. In other words, they are already operating from a point of view that some people matter and other people do not matter. If they don’t matter you can say or do whatever you want to them and not feel guilty or any remorse.

However during the course of the day, they begin to notice and learn things about each other. They start to learn that they are not as different from each other as they thought. They begin to identify things they have in common and notice they have the same feelings as each other. Once they remove the stereotypes they started to see how similar they were to each other. However, then the question came up, what happens when they return to school on Monday? Could they maintain the friendships they made that day? Finally one person speaks up and says no due to the peer pressure. They felt they would have to continue to follow the stereotypes at school if they wanted to keep their other friends. Even though they had learned how wrong the stereotypes were and the friendships they were missing out on, they felt no one else would understand and accept what they were doing. Since this was a movie they were able to discuss the price they were paying conforming to the stereotypes and the friendships they were losing. At the end they decided to abandon the stereotypes and take the risk of no conforming to the norm, so they could maintain their friendships. Exactly what we need teenagers to do if we are going to eliminate racism and discrimination.

As for the easy, they wrote a group easy for the teacher. They realized that no matter what they said the teacher would still see the stereotypes; the princess, the jock, the nerd, the weirdo and the juvenile delinquent. I find the closing line very interesting because they state what they discovered during the day was each of them had parts of all the stereotypes as part of their personalities. Therefore, no one was better or worse, they were all equal and deserved to be treated equally. They also felt no need to explain themselves to the teacher because in their opinion he was going to continue to see what he wanted. It would not matter to him what they said. He already made up his mind about them.

This movie does an excellent job showing how teenagers learn to conform to society’s prejudices and discrimination. However, it also provides hope that if we take down the preconceived ideas that we may discover the similarities we share and celebrate the our differences. Wouldn’t the world be boring, if we all were the same? Also the United States has always been referred to as the great American melting pot. The meaning is clear our Country was suppose to accept all who want to join and contribute their unique cultures. When did we forget this point?

The children and teenagers are the future of our Country. We need to listen to them and we need to allow them to have experiences like the Breakfast Club. There is a group Challenge Day that does provide this opportunity for teenagers. As adults we need to be honest with ourselves about the prejudice attitudes we teach children. Parents demand that your schools make Challenge Day and other programs like it as part of the school’s Curriculum. We need to end racism, discrimination, people not being given a fair chance to succeed and especially people being killed.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. He is a founding member of the national Street Soldier Advisory Board and has worked with Challenge Day. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Dads Help Children Mature into Adults

Dads Help Children Mature into Adults

We have all heard very often how important a mother is to a child especially a young child. While this is true Dads are just as important to children and young children. I say Dad because any man can father a child, but it takes work to be a Dad to a child.

Because of the stereotype we have about men in our culture, Dads are often not considered to be important in children’s lives. We tend to focus on mothers and what they provide children. Also because men tend to work a lot and have a tendency not to express emotions, many people assume Dads are usually not emotionally available to children.

However, if we look at the stereotype it also demonstrates why Dads are important. Dads are the male role models to their sons. Dads teach their sons how to treat women, their wives and their children. They teach their sons how a man is supposed to act in relationships and react to people in general.

Dads are also role models for their daughters. Their daughters see how their Dads treat their Moms. This is the first example girls have of how they should be treated in an intimate relationship. If their Dad is verbally and physically abusive, they will most likely expect their boyfriend or husband to treat them that way. Additionally, if girls are exposed to a Dad who is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive, they are more likely to have low self-esteem as adults and be bullied as a child. Boys also are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem and be bullies, if their Dad is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.

Additionally, boys tend to look for validation from their Dads that they are doing a good job developing into an adult man. If their Dad is not emotionally available, many boys interpret this as they are a failure to their Dad and they become hurt and angry. Since men and boys tend to have difficulties expressing their emotions, because men don’t express sadness or similar emotions, they tend to express these emotions as anger. In other words, boys and men tend to project their pain onto others.

If we change our mind set and see how valuable a Dad is to kids then may be Dads can start meeting the emotional needs of their children and families. However, this requires men to stop living up to the stereotype society has about how men are supposed to act. Since men tend to focus on the stereotype about male behavior, they tend to pass this stereotype on to their sons.

I have a friend who was able to ignore the male stereotype and write a wonderful poem to his son. He wanted his son never to doubt how he felt about him and he wanted to make sure he shared it with his son. What a tremendous gift he gave to his son! Also what a fantastic role model he is being to his son about how to be a Dad.

I asked for his permission to print it here and he graciously said yes. I hope other Dads will read this and share a gift like this with their son or daughter. Also I hope it helps to eliminate the false stereotypes we have about Dads.

I never want this to go unsaid, about my son,
So here in this poem, for all to hear
There are no words to express how much you mean to me,
with a smile upon my face, and warm feelings in my heart, I must declare!
A son like you, always polite and full of joy,I thought could never be.
Since the day you were born, I just knew you were like a mini me,
from your first breath I knew,
God sent me a blessing- and that was you.
For this I thank him every day,
You are the true definition of a son, in every way.
Your kindness and caring with love for all,
you give my life meaning, for us to share.
Becoming your father has shown me a new sense of being.
I want you to know that you were the purpose of my life,
Turning everything I ‘am – into a happy place.
Always remember that I know how much you care,
I can tell by the bond that we share.
For a son like you there could be no other,
And whether we are together or apart,
Please do not ever forget-
You will always have a piece of my heart.

This is a fantastic example of a Dad!

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with 20 years experience working with children & teens. He is an expert in this area of treatment. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at http://www.rcs-ca.com, http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or follow him on Facebook http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

Raising Children without Prejudice

Raising Children without Prejudice

The murder of George Floyd in Minneapolis has created a number of protests, conversations and people using his death as an excuse to commit crimes and cause damage. What I want to focus on is that his murder has shined a spotlight on the fact that Black Americans and other minorities are not treated equally in the United States. An issue we have ignored for a long time. Unfortunately, Mr. Floyd’s death gives us a chance to change this fact. It also provides us a chance to change how children are raised in the United States so hopefully we can eliminate prejudice regarding race, religion, sexual orientation, physical disabilities, mental health issues and financial status just to name a few issues.

Some people may ask who am I to address this issue. I am a white man, who has a physical disability, but my status of being white provided me the chance to an excellent education, I was able to go to the best schools, and I was able to earn a doctorate degree. It also gave me the opportunity to open my own business, live in a nice home in a nice neighborhood, to have very nice clothes, a nice car and plenty of food to eat. Additionally, I have access to excellent medical care when I need it. Therefore, being white and working hard has provided me with a number of advantages. The way my family raised me and what I was taught by the Christian Brothers is the more you know the more you owe. In other words, since I was fortunate enough to have all these advantages, I have an obligation to speak out for all those people who are not as fortunate as me. Something I am able to do because I am white. Because I am white with a doctorate degree people are more willing to listen to me than a Black man on the ground saying he cannot breathe.

A Black man made a YouTube video about who he is as a person. Please take the time to watch this video by this black man. As he describes himself, I do not see a big difference between him as a person and myself except he is black. The color of his skin should not make a difference in how I treat this man, in my opinion. Watch it for yourself and see what you think https://youtu.be/oGu_xGBekpo.

In order to address some of the issues people are protesting about those of us who have the privilege and power, we need to look at ourselves and how we have benefited from the privilege and power we were born into. As a result of this power, we have the ability to try to change the way things work in the United States so everyone is treated fairly. Being treated fairly means treating people for who they are not based on race, religion, sexual orientation or physical disability or mental health issues. Michael Jackson said it perfectly, in my opinion, in his song, “The Man in the Mirror.” He describes how the privileged act and how we discriminate against and ignore minorities, the poor and those with disabilities. His challenge to us is do we have the courage to look at ourselves and make real changes so everyone is treated equally. I have included a link to the lyrics of that song. Please review them and look at how they apply to today’s world and ask yourself do you have the courage to really change yourself? https://youtu.be/j2mJZwOMLdQ.

After we have made the appropriate changes then we can teach our children not to discriminate and to treat everyone fairly. Yes, it’s seems impossible, but this is the United States. If enough of us decide to make these changes and work together, we can make these changes. Or maybe we need to let the children teach us. A year ago a video went viral of two preschoolers who were best friends and not afraid to hug each other. They did not care that one boy was white and the other was black. They did not care because they were not yet taught about prejudice and discrimination. I have included the link to that video too https://youtu.be/M68evpsDC8M. These two boys are very happy and very good friends. Wouldn’t it be nice if as adults we could be so nice to each other? Maybe we need to watch the innocent children so we can learn how to unlearn the prejudice thoughts that we have all been raised with by our society. When I see we I mean we. Whites, blacks, hispanics, asians, rich people, poor people, educated and uneducated people, we all have our prejudices and ways we discriminate against each other. However, in order for us to really make a change, white people need to take the first step because we have the majority of the power. However, if we are going to make a permanent change, black people, hispanic people and asian people need to take steps at the same time. We all need to work together if we want our children to have better lives and not have to continue to live with prejudices and discrimination.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information about Dr. Rubino visit his website http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Helping Children Cope with Anxiety during the Pandemic

Helping Children Cope with Anxiety during the Pandemic

Anxiety is a common issue for children especially during the quarantine and having to attend school from home. Remember children’s imaginations are very active. During the last few months we have had little to no information about how the Coronavirus works. Therefore, there has not been a lot to explain to children and they have heard a lot on the news. Many parents tell me they have limited the access to news but with their IPads, phones and friends, they hear more than we are aware of. Also don’t forget, prior to the pandemic the children were dealing with mass shootings on a daily basis. Therefore, there is a lot going on to cause anxiety in children.

According to the CDC and what I have seen in my office, anxiety is at epidemic levels for children. The most common reason children are coming into therapy right now is anxiety or depression. Many parents want to know what they can do in between therapy sessions to help their child with their anxiety. I ran across an acronym by Lori Lite that is designed to help children who are anxious. The acronym is ASSURE. I will explain what is stand for and how to use it below.

A – Align with your child
 with their body language
 with their tone and volume of speech
 validate their feelings
S – Share your experience
your feelings in stressful moments
mistakes you’ve made and how you emerged from them
how you cope with stress in day-to-day situation
perspective you’ve gained from seeing “this too shall pass”
S – Skills-training
give them words for feelings and worries
get them involved in appropriate exercise and activities to release stress
teach and model coping strategies like visualization, deep breathing, positive imagery
U – Uncover stress-related signs and symptoms
body aches – head, stomach
irritability and mood change
appetite change
sleep changes
R – Reassure them
that they’ll come through
that you’re there for them
that you’re proud of the effort they’re investing in calming and coping
things will normalize – recall examples
E – Engage the topic when they’re calm
listen to what they say and don’t say
respect their process in overcoming stress and worry
brainstorm options while they’re calm, since that’s when the “thinking” part of the brain is turned on.
This may not eliminate their anxiety all together, but it should help reduce their anxiety. Also remember if their anxiety is severe also seek psychotherapy for your child with a therapist who specializes in treating children. Psychotherapy can now be done via telemedicine so there is no risk of exposing them to the virus. Between the mass shootings and the pandemic caused by the Coronavirus, our children are living through historic times. We have never experienced events like we currently are experiencing so there should be no surprise that children may need psychotherapy at this time.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. His practice does offer telemedicine. For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.