Dad’s are Important to a Child’s Development

Dad’s are Important to a Child’s Development

We have all heard very often how important a mother is to a child especially a young child. While this is true Dads are just as important to children and young children. I say Dad because any man can father a child, but it takes work to be a Dad to a child.

Because of the stereotype we have about men in our culture, Dads are often not considered to be important in children’s lives. We tend to focus on mothers and what they provide children. Also because men tend to work a lot and have a tendency not to express emotions, many people assume Dads are usually not emotionally available to children.

However, if we look at the stereotype it also demonstrates why Dads are important. Dads are the male role models to their sons. Dads teach their sons how to treat women, their wives and their children. They teach their sons how a man is supposed to act in relationships and react to people in general.

Dads are also role models for their daughters. Their daughters see how their Dads treat their Moms. This is the first example girls have of how they should be treated in an intimate relationship. If their Dad is verbally and physically abusive, they will most likely expect their boyfriend or husband to treat them that way. Additionally, if girls are exposed to a Dad who is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive, they are more likely to have low self-esteem as adults and be bullied as a child. Boys also are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem and be bullies, if their Dad is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.

Additionally, boys tend to look for validation from their Dads that they are doing a good job developing into an adult man. If their Dad is not emotionally available, many boys interpret this as they are a failure to their Dad and they become hurt and angry. Since men and boys tend to have difficulties expressing their emotions, because men don’t express sadness or similar emotions, they tend to express these emotions as anger. In other words, boys and men tend to project their pain onto others.

If we change our mind set and see how valuable a Dad is to kids then may be Dads can start meeting the emotional needs of their children and families. However, this requires men to stop living up to the stereotype society has about how men are supposed to act. Since men tend to focus on the stereotype about male behavior, they tend to pass this stereotype on to their sons.

I have a friend who was able to ignore the male stereotype and write a wonderful poem to his son. He wanted his son never to doubt how he felt about him and he wanted to make sure he shared it with his son. What a tremendous gift he gave to his son! Also what a fantastic role model he is being to his son about how to be a Dad.

I asked for his permission to print it here and he graciously said yes. I hope other Dads will read this and share a gift like this with their son or daughter. Also I hope it helps to eliminate the false stereotypes we have about Dads.

I never want this to go unsaid, about my son,

So here in this poem, for all to hear

There are no words to express how much you mean to me,

with a smile upon my face, and warm feelings in my heart, I must declare!

A son like you, always polite and full of joy,I thought could never be.

Since the day you were born, I just knew you were like a mini me,

from your first breath I knew,

God sent me a blessing- and that was you.

For this I thank him every day,

You are the true definition of a son, in every way.

Your kindness and caring with love for all,

you give my life meaning, for us to share.

Becoming your father has shown me a new sense of being.

I want you to know that you were the purpose of my life,

Turning everything I ‘am – into a happy place.

Always remember that I know how much you care,

I can tell by the bond that we share.

For a son like you there could be no other,

And whether we are together or apart,

Please do not ever forget-

You will always have a piece of my heart.

This is a fantastic example of a Dad!

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with 20 years experience working with children & teens. He is an expert in this area of treatment. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com, http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or follow him on Facebook www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

High School Graduation is an Emotional Time Especially this Year

High School Graduation is an Emotional Time Especially this Year

This year many schools are having graduation ceremonies. Due to the success of the vaccines, the CDC has acknowledged that it would be safe to hold graduation ceremonies. This is very different from last year when graduation ceremonies were canceled due to the Coronavirus. While schools are having graduation ceremonies, they will most likely be different for the graduates. It will be different because for many of the graduates the last year and half they were attending school remotely. For many students they returned to school for the last two months of the school year. While the class of 2021 did not have the typical path through school, they still completed school and deserve to celebrate with family and friends at their graduations. The Coronavirus will most likely make this year’s graduations different than past years, it is still a time to honor the graduates of 2021. For many graduates their graduation may not be what they expected due to the death of a parent, grandparent or someone else in their lives due to the Coronavirus.

As I stated for many high school graduates, this year graduation ceremonies will be somewhat differently emotionally. However, High School graduation still marks a big accomplishment for teenagers. They have finished their basic education and they are ready to move on to their life plans as a young adult. For many students this means going to a four year college and earning a Bachelors degree. In addition, many graduates will be celebrating scholarships they received and awards they received for their academic or other accomplishments in high school. They also have friends and family there to join them in celebrating their accomplishments. Of course this is a happy day and it deserves to be celebrated.

While this is the stereotype we think about regarding graduation, it’s not the reality for every student. Some students have worked very hard and maintained very good grades, but they did not get accepted into a college they can afford and they did not receive any awards or scholarships. Instead of going to a four year university, they will need to attend the local two year junior college and try to transfer into a four year university. Other students who have learning disabilities are just barely graduating and had to wait to the last minute to see if the past all of their classes. Some did not pass and they have to go to summer school so they may be allowed to participate in the ceremony but they are not finished yet. These students do not get to live the stereotype and often feel embarrassed and ashamed when they compare themselves to the other students in their graduating class.

I had also mentioned celebrating with family and friends. For some students this can be very difficult. If their parents had a hostile divorce, the divorce may be being dragged into the graduation. Instead of a celebration, the parents may be making the graduation a civil war. The graduate may be forced to take sides in regards to who they can invite to the ceremony. Do they invite mom’s side or dad’s side. This can change a happy event into a very stressful event the graduate does not want to be involved in. For some graduates a mother or father has passed away and graduation day is another reminder that this very special person is no longer physically present. Therefore, graduation may be a stressful or sad day.

Another aspect that is overlooked is graduation is an ending. It marks the end of a teenager’s high school experience. Many teens have been very involved with their school and have developed close relationships with teachers and school staff and they have developed very close friendships with their classmates. Graduation marks an end to their high school life. They need to say goodbye to these people and move on to a school they do not know and may not know anyone else who is attending their college. I remember one high school secretary’s comment when she looked at the senior class, “I have never seen so many kids look so happy and sad at the same time”.

In addition to saying goodbye to their high school family, graduates need to say goodbye to their families. If they are going away to school, they will no longer living with their parents or siblings. While they may complain about their families, they will miss them too. Mom and Dad will miss their graduated too. So while traditional we tend to only focus on the positive, which is not uncommon for our society, we also need to acknowledge that graduation marks an ending too. An ending to their high school family, friends they have created and to their high school activities along with a change in the graduates life. They no longer are a high school kid. They are a college student and a young adult and need to start their lives all over. This will have happy moments and sad one too. It’s important to acknowledge both.

While high school students will be starting their lives over, I have included a small segment of a speech by Martin Luther King, Jr. It empathizes that you need to define yourself, don’t let others try to decide who are going to be in life https://www.facebook.com/goalcast/videos/1294330473977473?s=1391497228&v=e&sfns=mo.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and adolescents. He has appeared on television and radio shows and is considered an expert in adolescent psychology. For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com, www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

Are We Honoring Our Military?

Are We Honoring Our Military?

Memorial Day is a day for every American to remember and honor every man and woman who have served in the military, who have been injured while serving in the military and especially to remember those who died serving in the military protecting our rights as American citizens. In addition, it is a day to remember their families too. Families have been changed forever due to a family member serving in the military. Some soldiers have lost arms, legs or have suffered brain injuries impairing their ability to function for the rest of their lives. Finally, families who have had someone die while in the military will never be the same again. Someone lost a son or daughter, sibling, spouse or a child lost a parent. Therefore, we owe the men and women who have served in our military and their families a tremendous debt of gratitude. They have sacrificed themselves and their families so we can live in America and have the rights that we do. Rights that no other country offers their citizens.

However, as I look at the state of our Nation today, I wonder, are we honoring our military men and women. We have mass shootings daily. We are seeing a significant increase in anti-Semitic crime and violence along with a significant increase in violent attacks against Asian Americans. Finally we are seeing one of our fundamental rights be destroyed. The right to vote and peaceful elect our government. Our last Presidential election did not follow a peaceful transfer of power. In fact, despite the fact that the United States Supreme Court and numerous other federal courts and Secretaries of State certified it was a fair and legal election, Trump never conceded nor did he participate in handling the Presidency over to President Biden. In stead he continues to state the election was a lie. In addition to this issue, we are seeing states passing bills making it more difficult for citizens to vote. Again the United States Supreme Court and many United States Federal Courts have ruled that voting was fair and legal during the last election. Yet tonight, Texas is debating and voting on a bill, if passed, that will make it extremely difficult for citizens who have lower incomes to vote.

The men and women who served in our military and fighting in World War I, World War II, the Korean Conflict, the Viet Nam War and who have been fighting in Iraq for over 17 years we’re fighting for our American rights. They were fighting for our freedom of speech, freedom of religion and our right to vote and elect our government in a peaceful manner. I cannot help to wonder how do these military men, women and families feel about the sacrifices they made when they look at our Nation today. I doubt they feel they are being honored for their sacrifices.

If we look at the United States Capital Police, we get an answer to my question. On January 6, 2021, the United States Capital was violently attacked. You had protesters in the US Capital screaming that they were going to hang the Vice President and they had a hangman’s noose already built and waiting outside the building. In addition they were screaming that they were going to kill the Speaker of the House too. The Capital Police did their job to protect the US Capital and our Vice President, the Speaker of the House and the Senators. It didn’t matter that they were being beat will steel rods, being sprayed with pepper spray and numerous other things. Several US Capital Police were killed that day and several more have committed suicide due to the trauma they experienced. They never thought about themselves, they only thought about their jobs. As a result of the heroic efforts, the Vice President, the Speaker of the House and the Senators escaped without any injuries. The US Capital Police stopped a National tragedy from occurring that day.

The Congress was considering a commission to identify how this attack occurred and how to prevent another attack. The House of Representatives passed a proposal for a committee, but the Republican Senators voted against the committee and are some are saying there is no need to form a committee to investigate the events of that day. The US Capital Police who were interviewed after the vote claimed it was a slap in the face. Many of the officers lost their lives due to the attack and many will be permanently disabled for life. They state it is a slap in the face because they sacrificed themselves for our Nation and our right for a fair election and the Republican Senators don’t seem to care. In fact, some Senators and Donald Trump claim there was no riot. People walked in peacefully kissing and shaking the officer’s hands. However anyone who looks at the video of that day can clearly tell it was not peaceful and the protesters were there to kill.

When I consider how the US Capital Police felt, it makes me wonder about all of the other service men and women who have fought for our country. I also wonder about how the families who had loved ones killed must feel. How can they feel honored, when we are tearing apart everything they fought for and died for. We are allowing our democracy to be destroyed by a few people who only care about themselves.

In my opinion we need to be brave and show the courage that our men are women of the military have shown over the years. We need to speak up against the injustice we see and we must demand a stop to voting laws being changed so lower income families cannot vote. We also must demand that our Senators follow the Constitution. When they assumed their office, they promised to protect and uphold the US Constitution not their political party. If our soldiers were brave enough to give their lives, we should be brave enough to speak up, write letters and make phone calls. After all, how can we ask our children to stand up against bullies, if we won’t stand up for our rights that soldiers have died for?

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers, trauma victims and first responders. For more information regarding his work visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

How Many Children and Adults have to Die before We Act?

How Many Children and Adults have to Die before We Act?

During the past several months there has been a significant increase in mass shootings and people being killed by guns. We just had another mass shooting today in San Jose, California and 8 people were killed. Additionally, This past weekend over 250 people were killed by guns. The weekend before there were approximately 200 people killed in mass shooting or by a gun. Additionally, I hear many children and teens talking about their safety at school and around town while they are playing or hanging out. Many teenagers seem to believe if they have a gun that will keep them safe. While researching this issue of gun violence, I read an article by Cody Fenwick regarding children and gun violence. His article was very alarming. Since there has been a significant increase in mass shootings Therefore, it seems appropriate to address the issue of guns because they are a popular method of suicide and they can be used to bully kids too. In addition teenagers who cannot tolerate the bullying they have to endure every day often use a gun as their method of suicide. Some may use a gun to act out their frustrations too.

Many of us feel because we live in Pleasant Hill, Walnut Creek, Lafayette or Orinda that our children and teenagers do not have to worry about gangs or gun violence. Unfortunately, this is not the truth. According to a new research study in the Journal of Pediatrics, guns continue to be the third-leading cause of death for Americans younger than 18 years old, killing around 1,300 children and teenagers a year in the United States. In addition, almost 6,000 children and teenagers are injured per year by guns. Many teenagers are permanently disabled from these injuries. For teenagers who commit suicide, guns are the second-leading cause of death. The CDC has recently moved suicide as the third-leading cause of death for teenagers to the second-leading cause of death. This is a scary fact that the rate of teenage suicides are increasing not decreasing.

The study in the Journal of Pediatrics examined data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the Consumer Product Safety Commission between 2002 and 2014. The study found that boys, especially older boys such as teenagers and minorities, were much more likely to be the victims of gun violence. The study did not say anything about where the boys lived. The facts are children who are male and teenagers, are at a higher risk for becoming a victim of gun violence regardless of where they live. Therefore, teenagers in our area are at risk of becoming a victim of gun violence.

The study does indicate there has been a decrease in accidental deaths such as boys cleaning a gun. However, the rate as a method for suicide has increased. I have mentioned before that suicide is no longer the third leading cause of death for 10 year old boys. It is now the second leading cause of death for boys 10 to 18 years old. This study confirms that statistic and indicates the preferred method of suicide for boys and teenagers are guns. According to Katherine Fowler, one of the lead researchers at the CDC, “Firearm injuries are an important public health problem, contributing substantially to premature death and disability of children.” Understanding their nature [guns] and impact is a first step toward prevention.”

When we look at these numbers, can anyone argue against taking steps to protect our children? Can you imagine a 10 year old boy using a gun to kill himself? Can you imagine a 10 year old boy feeling that his life is so bad at the age of ten that death seems like a better option than living? At the age of 10, he has given up hope for a decent life. This is a sad fact.

The study also indicates that in recent years guns were responsible for a large number of adolescent, males who were murdered. The study documented that deaths in the category of murder for boys under the age of 18 years old decreased to 53 percent. This is a decrease yet the rate is still 53%. The other causes of gun-related deaths include:

• 38 percent — suicides

• 6 percent — unintentional deaths

• 3 percent — law enforcement/undetermined cause

The study found 82% of deaths by guns were boys. This means 82% of gun deaths were boys who were children or teenagers. Putting it another way, this means these boys were not even 18 years old yet at the time of their deaths. The study also found that white and American Indian children have the highest rate of suicide using a gun.

We also like to think that the United States in one of the most advanced nations in the world. However, the statistics show that the United States has the highest rate in the world for children under 14 years old committing suicide. Again, the United States has the highest rate of children under 14 years old using a gun to commit suicide. That number scares me and is appalling to me. However, as an adolescent and child psychotherapist, I do not doubt it. I have heard 6 year old boys seriously discussing suicide.

Furthermore, I hear teenagers routinely talking about needing to carry a knife or gun with them for protection. They tell me you never know when you will be jumped or there will be a mass shooting and you need to be able to protect yourself. In fact, a few years ago a teenager was shot on his front door step in Danville over a marijuana deal which went bad. When I mention to teens the risks they are taking, they tell me there is no guarantee they will live until 30 years old anyway. They would rather die protecting themselves than doing nothing.

As a society, we need to look at these numbers and ask ourselves some questions. What are we going to do in order to improve gun safety? How are adolescent boys getting access to guns? Most importantly, why are children as young as 6 years old thinking about suicide? Also what are we going to do so that children who are suicidal have access to mental health care? This is our problem because it does happen in Pleasant Hill, Walnut Creek, Lafayette, Orinda and Danville.

Finally, we are only in the month of May and the number of Americans killed to date is more than in 2019 (CDC). We are seeing mass shootings increase, violence against Asian Americans and Jewish Americans and police killings. What is happening in the United States? We are the only Country in the world dealing with mass shootings. However, we claim to be the most advanced nation in the world. Maybe Congress needs to look at these numbers and think about their actions. Denying the attack on the US Capital was not violent is crazy. We have videos of people assaulting the Capital Police and demanding to hang the Vice President. The Republicans in the House of Representatives remove Represetative Cheney from her leadership post because she won’t lie and say that Biden did not win the Presidential Election. Finally, you have a Republican representative comparing the requirement to wear masks in the House Chambers because everyone in the House of Representatives is not vaccinated to the Holocaust and the Republican Party does nothing. Someone who speaks the truth is removed and someone who makes racist, homophobic and anti Semitic statements is praised. This may be one part of the issue. We need to support people who are treating other people appropriately and we need to speak out and refuse to allow people who are treating people like garbage to continue to be allowed to treat people like garbage.

Dr. Rubino has 20 years experience as a psychotherapist working with children and teenagers. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Gifted Children can have Learning Disabilities Too

Gifted Children can have Learning Disabilities Too

Many parents are very happy to hear that their child has been classified as “gifted.” They assume that their child will do very well in school and have a very bright future because they are “gifted.” While “gifted” children may excel in certain academic areas, often they have difficulties in other social situations or academic areas. These children are called twice exceptional children. Research by John Hopkins estimates that one out of five children are twice exceptional or 2E which is a more common term. Therefore, John Hopkins estimates that there are approximately 700,000 2E children in the United States.

Wikipedia defines 2E children in the following way:

A 2e child usually refers to a child who, alongside being considered gifted in comparison to same age-peers, is formally diagnosed with one or more disabilities. Although 2e can refer to any general disability, it is often used to refer to students with learning disabilities, although research is not limited to these areas, and a more holistic view of 2e can help move the field forward. The disabilities are varied: dyslexia, visual or auditory processing disorder, obsessive-compulsive disorder, sensory processing disorder, autism, Asperger syndrome, Tourette Syndrome, or any other disability interfering with the student’s ability to learn effectively in a traditional environment. The child might have a diagnosis of attention deficit hyperactivity disorder, or diagnoses of anxiety or depression.[6] Often children with 2e have multiple co-morbid disabilities than present as a paradox to many parents and educators.

Many people may find this hard to believe, however, as a psychotherapist who specializes in treating children and teenagers, I have seen many “gifted” children who do have the disabilities listed above. A common issue I have encountered is that “gifted” children often have difficulties making friends and dealing with social situations. If they had not been classified as “gifted”, parents would see that they do meet the criteria for Asperger’s Syndrome. Another common issue I have seen in psychotherapy with “gifted” children is that they have difficulties organizing their ideas and maintaining sustained attention. These children meet the criteria for ADHD.

One of the primary difficulties for these children is since they have been classified as “gifted,” many schools do not want to offer support services for a “gifted” child who has ADHD or a processing problem. Because they are not receiving the academic support they need, many of these children suffer with depression, anxiety and low self-esteem. These children often become very frustrated and start to act out at home and at school. They are trying to tell the adults in their lives that everything is not okay and they need help. I have seen this many times with “gifted” children that I see for psychotherapy. It also creates a great deal of stress for the parents. They can see their child is having difficulties and the child is complaining about difficulties, but the school tells the parents the child is doing fine because they are “gifted.”

The research from John Hopkins University shows us that the two are not mutually exclusive. A child can be “gifted” in one area and have a learning disability in another area of life. Therefore, a “gifted” child may need a 504 plan or an individualized educational plan (IEP). Therefore, if you are the parent of a 2E child and you notice that your child is having difficulties at school, do not be afraid or nervous to advocate for your child. To make this easier, I have included a link which discusses misconceptions about 2E children, 7 Myths About Twice-Exceptional (2E) Students http://u.org/2hp0dNU. I am also providing a link to a newsletter for an organization which helps parents with 2E children and advocates for them, https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&cd=3&ved=0ahUKEwiv8PmrxYDYAhUH6oMKHbmyD10QFggiMAI&url=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.2enewsletter.com%2Farticle_2e_what_are_they.html&usg=AOvVaw35GmKdn_P9FJzqMBPkMMrD.

If this sounds like your child do not panic. Arrange to have your child evaluated by a mental health clinician who is familiar with 2E children. They can help you develop a treatment plan and let you know if your child needs accommodations at school. If your child needs accommodations at school do not pay for any psychological testing for your child. According to California law, the school district has the right to test the child first. They do not have to accept outside testing, if the district has not tested the child. If you disagree with the school district’s testing, say so and request a second evaluation. This evaluation is completed by a professional not associated with the school district and the school district pays for the testing not you.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. In fact, he specializes in treating children and teenagers. If you want to know more about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his websites www.RubinoCounseling.com, www.LucasCenter.org or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com\drrubino3.

Facts Every Boy Needs to Know about Sex

Facts Every Boy Needs to Know about Sex

A great article about what boys need to know about sex. I have seen many teenagers for therapy and no one discussed sexuality with them. In today’s world that is very dangerous.

Many teenage boys as old as 16 years old report that their fathers and mothers have never discussed sex or sexuality with them. Many of the facts that the boys have regarding sex are wrong and could get them in to trouble with the law. For example, they are in possession of a nude picture of their girlfriend that they have violated child pornography laws. The girl might be his girlfriend but, she is under the age of 18. Therefore, it is child pornography.

In addition to issues such as pictures, there is the issue of consent which is a major issue. How do boys know if they have consent or if a girl decides to withdraw her consent. If they withdraw their consent, then the boy is guilty of rape.

Also sex has changed a lot. There are now Friends with Benefits and Hookups that use to occur in college but, now they are occurring in high school and middle school.

Boys in Middle school and High school have enough problems trying to figure out what is going on with their bodies and the sexual feelings they are having without needing to figure out what is appropriate or not. Therefore, they need someone to talk to them about sex and sexuality.

I know this subject is difficult to discuss with your son who is 13 years old or 16 years old. However, you don’t want them to learn about sex and sexuality from their friends or worse from pornography. Therefore, you need to talk to your sons.

This article discusses all the issues you need to discuss with your son about sex and sexuality. Everything is laid out very clearly and it is very easy to use. I have included the link to the article so please read & discuss with your son https://medium.com/hello-love/14-things-you-must-teach-your-son-about-sex-d63f7d1953fe.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information regarding his work please visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

Any Type of Abuse Can Be Transferred from Generation to Generation

Any Type of Abuse Can Be Transferred from Generation to Generation

Father’s Day is coming up and last month we celebrated Mother’s Day. These days are set aside to provide us time to tell are parents how much they helped us as children and how much they mean to us. However, not everyone feels this way about their parents. Some people have a parent who abandoned them and others have parents who were physically and emotionally abusive. Therefore, Father’s Day and Mother’s Day are not happy days for many people because they had parents but their parents were not there for them. As a result, many people are angry and hurt by their parents and don’t want to celebrate their relationship with their father or mother.

While this is true that many parents were far from perfect parents, at times there are reasons why parents acted the way they did as a parent. I do not say this to excuse their behavior and parenting style because they are responsible for how they decided to act and parent. I say this to help people, who had abusive parents or parents who were not emotionally available, understand why their parents acted the way that they did. Many people who had less than perfect parents tend to blame themselves for their parents actions. This often results in people carrying around hurt, anger and shame that they do not need to. Also they tend to make excuses for their parents behavior because they are afraid what other people will think of them not their parents. They feel people will assume they must have been terrible kids to raise so their parents actions were justified. This only adds to their hurt, anger and shame.

The truth is many parents abandoned their children or are physically and emotionally abusive because their parents were the same way, but worse. They had no role models showing them how responsible parents should act. Also our society provides little assistance or education to new parents. Therefore, they are left on their own to figure out how to act as a parent. This is a difficult task and then when you add the pressures from work and paying bills some parents cannot tolerate the stress. They use whatever is easiest for them which is usually using the same techniques that their parents used.

As a psychotherapist when I work with a patient or a teen, I do a family history. I find out from the adult what life was like when they grew up and what life was like when their grandparents grew up. If I’m working with a teen who is dealing with substance abuse or physical or emotional abuse at home, I find the pattern in the family history. Typically, the pattern goes back to the great grandparents if people can remember that far back. This means we are dealing with a problem that has been going on for over four generations and being transmitted from generation to generation.

How can this happen? It can happen very simply. In the early 1900s very, very few people believed in psychotherapy. In the 1950s people still did not believe in it except for “really crazy” people who were locked up in hospitals. This stigma still continues to this day. When people call to schedule a psychotherapy appointment for their teenager, many ask if they come to therapy will it prevent their teenager from being accepted to colleges or getting jobs in the future. If a teenager contracts a sexually transmitted disease, these questions are not asked. In fact, many middle schools give condoms to sixth graders. Our priorities are off if we don’t worry about a sixth grader’s future when we give them a condom, but we worry about their future if they go to psychotherapy to improve their lives.

Therefore, the main point is that our society to this day still places a negative stigma on psychotherapy and getting help. Therefore, many parents in the 1950s had no help when they became parents. Children do not come with instructions and there were few parenting classes at that time. Therefore, few parents knew what to do as a parent and there were few resources available to help parents who were overwhelmed.

Bottom line, your mother or father may not have been perfect and may have mad a lot of terrible mistakes, but they did the best they could at the time with what they knew. I have found this many times when I have interviewed the parents and sometimes the grandparents of a teen I’m seeing in psychotherapy. They admit they made mistakes, but they did not know what else to do at the time.

Therefore, for those of you who had abusive or neglectful parents, you are entitled to your feelings, but try to understand they did the best they could do. Maybe you can’t forgive them, but don’t blame yourself or feel ashamed. You did nothing to create the situation and there was no way you could have made it better. For teenagers today, again you did not create the problem and the problems have nothing to do with you as a person. Also you cannot change your parents. You can try to understand that they did their best in the past, however, now that you are in therapy they have an option to improve the situation. They can begin their own psychotherapy and address their own issues.

Decade after decade we are seeing the same parenting issues being passed down from generation to generation. We need to stop this pattern. We must remove the stigma associated with psychotherapy and the stigma associated with needing assistance with problems. No child comes with a parenting guide when they are born. As a result, parents will and do make mistakes. Instead of making them feel ashamed and embarrassed, we need to provide parents with options for seeking help such as more parenting classes. We need classes which focus on raising a toddler and other for adolescents. Also for parents who were abused themselves they need individual and group psychotherapy. Why do we keep repeating these mistakes and allowing the cycle of abuse to be transmitted to another generation.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children, teenagers and their families. For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounsling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

Mental Health Care in 2021 in the United States

Mental Health Care in 2021 in the United States

The month of May is dedicated to mental health awareness. I decided to use this opportunity to frankly discuss the mental health care system in the United States and what many families and patients have to go through and often not receive any help. Unfortunately, this is very common that many teenagers and adults fail to receive mental health care or receive inadequate mental health care.

Many people assume that the United States provides the best physical and mental health care in the world. However, this is not the case. One example of this fact comes from the ABC News Show 20/20. An Olympic Athlete had been living with Bipolar Disorder for over 20 years and never diagnosed. She had been reporting difficulties with depression for years, but her complaints were dismissed. The alarming fact is that even though her brother committed suicide due to being Bipolar her symptoms were dismissed. We know that Bipolar Disorder is inherited and suicide tends to run in families. In other words, if a family member committed suicide it puts you at a higher risk for suicide. The family never discussed the brother’s suicide due to shame associated with suicide and mental illness. Therefore, clinicians treating her may never have been told that her brother committed suicide. The Athlete and her husband asked for help for 10 years and despite the fact she had all the symptoms and a family history of Bipolar, no one diagnosed her. She lives in the United States, her brother committed suicide because he was Bipolar and it still took 10 years for her to be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and not dismissed by psychiatrist as someone who was over reacting. Now that she is diagnosed she is dealing with the shame of being Bipolar. However, the shame associated with mental illness and suicide might have contributed to her not being diagnosed earlier. Often patients come in to my office for help, but I may not get all the vital information for months because the patient is embarrassed and worried how I might react to their family history.

We often hear parents complain that their teenager is driving them crazy or a teenager complaining how unfair their parents are to live with on a daily basis. Many people assume this is normal life with a teenager. However, according to the CDC, one out of five teenagers have a diagnosable mental health condition and would benefit from psychotherapy. The parents of these teenagers are begging for help, but they are ignored. Many people assume they are over reacting. Furthermore, there is a strong negative stereotype about mental health in our Country and people prefer not to be associated with someone who has a mental health issue. Many people act like mental health issues are catchy and a sign of weakness and lower intelligence. None of these ideas are true. In fact, many very famous people have mental health issues themselves or in their families.

Therefore, you have some parents begging anyone who will listen for help. You also have teenagers who are crying out for help by cutting themselves or acting out trying to get people’s attention. Many of us assume if the parents are begging or the teenager is cutting themselves that they will receive mental health care. Unfortunately, this is not how our world works. I have been working as a psychotherapist who treats teenagers for over 20 years. There have been many times I could not have a suicidal teenager hospitalized because the hospital had no beds for a suicidal teenager or the insurance refused to authorize the admission to the hospital.

This is a very important point for people to understand. As the psychotherapist, I do not determine the treatment plan for a teenager or child. Your insurance company dictates the treatment plan. They have decided what diagnosis they will cover and what treatment modalities they will pay for. Additionally, they decide how much they will pay. I have seen some teenagers and the insurance would only allow $25 per session. Many people assume the insurance company pays psychotherapist or hospitals their entire fee. They pay the psychotherapist or hospital the rate they decide. If the psychotherapist wants to work with that insurance company they must agree to accept the insurance company’s rate. This is why health care providers always ask for your copay. The copay is part of the rate. If the insurance rate is $50 and your copay is $25, if the provider does not collect your copayment, the insurance only pays $25. This is why many providers do not accept insurance. They dictate the course of therapy even though they no nothing about the teen and they under pay the provider. Insurance companies make a great deal of money by charging high premiums and refusing to pay for treatment. This is not fair or appropriate.

Therefore, parents are seeking help, but they are told they need to contact someone else, they have contacted the wrong place. For example, one Thanksgiving I had a mother have my answering service page me and she was begging me for help because her teen was suicidal. I referred her to the County hospital because based on what she said the teen needed to be hospitalized. She told me the County hospital gave her my telephone number because they had no more beds for anyone who was suicidal. The parents tell me they feel like no one cares. She did everything she should have, but she could not get help. Her son needed to be hospitalized for his safety, but the hospital refused to admit him.

Again, some people might believe this is an isolated case. Sadly this is not an isolated case. As I said, I specialize in treating suicidal, bipolar and teens who are trauma victims. There have been a number of times I have sent a suicidal teen by ambulance from my office to the County hospital only to have the teen released in less than an hour because the hospital had no beds. I had one person on the Psychiatric Crises Unit tell me on the telephone unless the person had a shotgun in their mouth not to send them to the Hospital because they had no beds for suicidal teens. The hospital only has a couple of beds for suicidal teenagers based on the State budget. Anytime cuts need to be made to the State budget, mental health is always the first area to be cut.

As a result of budget cuts and insurance companies denying treatment, the therapist in a difficult position. Do you just discharge the teen or do you continue to treat the teen for a low fee or for free? Remember 1 out of 5 teens have a psychological condition that needs treatment, what do you do when treatment is denied or there are no treatment options? Besides 1 out of 5 teens needing mental health care, the CDC has recently moved suicide from the third leading cause of death to the second leading cause of death for children 10 to 18 years old. Therefore, there are many teens who desperately need mental health care and may die without it. Also, when you examine the results further you find that teens who need therapy but fail to receive it are more likely to get involved with drugs, crime, are more likely to drop out of school, more likely to get pregnant or father a child and that child is more likely to become a foster child. These teens are also more likely to end up on probation, homeless and on welfare.

As a society we do not place much emphasis on mental health care. Mental health care programs are always some of the first programs cut when the budget is cutback. Our priorities need to be examined. I find I t very interesting that Contra Costa County had enough money to build a new Juvenile Hall, which is three times the size of the old Juvenile Hall, but there was not enough money to fund a large number of mental health services which had to be cut.

We often look at teens who are acting out and blame their parents. We ask why don’t they get their child the help they need? What stops them from helping their teenager? Why is the teen always getting involved with drugs or not going to school? The answer could be because the teen needs mental health care and the parents have been and continue to try to get their teen help but their is no help. The teen may be acting out because they are tired of asking for help and being in pain so they start looking for the easiest way out of pain.

If we want our teenagers to grow up to become productive members of society then we need to provide them with the mental health care they need. If we want parents to be responsible parents, then we need to provide parents options for how to get their teens help when they ask for it.

With the number of mass shootings, the significant increase in the number of children with anxiety disorders and the epidemic of teenagers cutting and teenage suicide, I am surprised we have not made it easier and more affordable for teenagers to get adequate mental health care. In addition to the issues I stated above, the Coronavirus has created a number of mental health issues for children and teenagers. Grief due to the death of family members, drug use and overdoses have increased and so have anxiety and depression increased due to the pandemic. However, I don’t see any plans to deal with the large number of teenagers who are going to need help. I have seen a significant increase in the number of teenagers needing mental health care since the Pandemic started. I have also seen insurance companies refusing to cover mental health, so what do we do?

I have been treating teens for over 20 years and it is still a problem to get a teenager residential care if they need it. Also it is still difficult to get teens medication at an affordable price. I had a teen the other day who needs medication but they had no medical coverage to see a psychiatrist. The parent made an appointment but the fee for the visit was $450 and they would not reduce the fee. So again what do they do?

We can write our Congressmen and Senators and demand that they fund community mental health centers. We can also demand that private insurance companies be required to offer teenagers and their families adequate mental health benefits based on what professional therapists are recommending. The professional treating the child knows what the child needs not some clerical worker with a Bachelors degree who is answering phone calls at the insurance company.

In short, if we want our teenagers to survive their teen years we all need to act together and demand that our children receive the treatment they need and deserve. Mental health care is not a dirty word. There is no difference between mental health and physical health. Therefore, they needed to be treated the same and we need to eliminate the stigma associated with mental health issues.

Finally, private insurance companies make huge profits and drive the cost of health care up based on how they do business. If we don’t start to speak up for our kids, they will never receive the care they need. Look at your next pay stub and look at how much you pay for health insurance and compare that to the benefits you receive. When you take your teenager to a psychotherapist most insurance companies only pay the therapist $75. Your copay is part of the payment. Your premiums are high, but they do not pay it out to providers they keep it.

Dr Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers dealing with anxiety, depression and trauma. To find out more about Dr Michael Rubino and his private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify and Apple

Leave Your Divorce at Home and Don’t Take it to Your Teen’s Graduation

Leave Your Divorce at Home and Don’t Take it to Your Teen’s Graduation

Last year due to the Coronavirus most graduations either were canceled or occurred virtually. This year due to the the success of the vaccines, many schools are having graduation ceremonies. This is fantastic for High School students and college students. However, if a High School Senior’s parents are divorced, their High School Graduation can create a number of problems. This article address the issues associated with divorce and High School Graduation and provides some solutions to the issues.

Divorce brings a lot of new situations in to a people’s lives especially if you have children. Hopefully, when you and your spouse divorced it was done in a civil manner and the children were not put in the middle of the divorce. This is the ideal situation, however, we do not always get the ideal situation. Very often divorces are high conflict and the two of you argue over everything and anything. Usually in these high conflict divorces, the children are put in the middle and used as weapons. The children feel they have to choose between their mother and their father. This is a very sad situation.

This conflict usually interferes with visitations and holidays too. Parents argue about pick up times and drop off times, how long they have the children for holidays and there is often arguments about can a child bring toys or clothes from Dad’s house to Mom’s house. In short, parents argue about everything and the children become sick and tired of the arguing.

The other factor that adds to this is grandparents saying negative things about the ex wife or ex-husband. This only increases the pressure and stress the children are dealing with after a divorce.

The final stressor is when one or both parents remarry or have a long term boyfriend or girlfriend. Then the arguments about she is not my child’s mother or he is not my child’s father and I don’t want them involved in my child’s life start. Also a new girlfriend or boyfriend can cause teens to argue with their parents because they want their parents back together.

In short in a high conflict divorce, children live in a war zone. They become use to arguing about everything and often feel they must choose sides. At times some children do choose sides hoping to end the fighting or because they are so confused. This type of divorce creates a great deal of issues for children and I cannot cover all the issues in this blog. I would need a book to cover all the issues. Most the time, teens become sick and tired of the fighting and wish that their parents would stop fighting so they could at least not have to worry about what will cause the next argument.

Graduation is one of those issues. Parents will often start arguing about issues such as, “I paid for everything you needed for high school and now your father wants to come.” Or “if your mother shows up, after everything she has done, I won’t be in the same room as her.” And of course there is always the issue of “he better not bring her to my child’s graduation.” What is a teenager to do?

They have spent the last four years working very hard in high school and graduation is a day for them to celebrate their accomplishment. They also usually want the people who they love and care about to be there with them to celebrate their accomplishment. However, how does this happen when Mom and Dad and grandparents are stating their terms about who can attend graduation and how graduation day will go because of the divorce.

Your teenager did not get divorced. You and your spouse divorced and even though you are no longer married, you are both still parents for your teenager and you need to act like parents and adults. This means putting aside all your feeling and issues so your teenager can truly celebrate their day, their graduation. Most parents have told their teens to stop being selfish and to think about someone else, at some point during High School. Well isn’t it time that you followed your own advice. Stop thinking about yourselves and your divorce and think about your teenager and how you can make your teenager’s graduation a happy day for them.

What you need to do is you and your ex spouse need to sit down together or email each other and discuss how the two of you can put your issues on hold for one day so your teenager can have what they deserve, a happy graduation. The two of you need to talk with grandparents too and other extended family and inform them what will be allowed and what will not. This doesn’t mean you have to act like best friends. You simply need to be civil to each other. If you don’t think you can sit next to each other at the graduation, then one of you sits on the left and one sits on the right. You don’t have to have a joint party either. You can decide to have separate parties. The key is communicating with each other before the graduation and decide how you can do it civilly. This will be the best graduation present that you can give your teenager. If you can allow them to have their graduation day to celebrate their accomplishment without having to worry about what fight there will be. You are also teaching them a lesson about love, being parents and relationships.

The most important thing to do is remember this is a celebration. So let your teenager celebrate and allow yourselves to celebrate with your teenager as their mother and father. Remember the divorce ended your marriage not your relationship together as parents. Do not allow your divorce to deprive you from enjoying your child’s High School graduation day with them. They only graduate from high school once.

Dr. Michael Rubino has 20 years experience working with teenagers and families coping with divorce. He is an expert in providing psychotherapy treatment for children and teenagers. For more information about Dr. Rubino or his private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.