Helping Children Grieve

Helping Children Grieve

In our society we do not cope well with tragedy or grief. However, we experience tragedy almost daily. The killings in New Zealand in another example of the senseless killings that are occurring too frequently in our world today.

These events have an impact on children. Besides hearing about death on the news, they also experience trauma and the lost of loved ones in their own lives. Many parents are not sure how to address this subject with children. Many parents ask me how to explain a death to a child or if their child is responding appropriately to a trauma or a loss. I saw a video on CNN which address the issue of children and grief. I think it can be helpful to someone dealing with a child who is grieving.

Children who experience a trauma or the lost of a loved one need to grieve. However, they often need help with the process. Here is someone helping kids grieve in a healthy way. We need more programs like this one more mental health care. https://www.cnn.com/2019/03/14/health/cnnheroes-mary-robinson-grief-loss-death-of-a-parent/index.html.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience working as a psychotherapist with children and teenagers. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com

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It Is Normal to be Stressed When You have A Teenager

It Is Normal to be Stressed When You have A Teenager

I often hear for the teenagers that I see for psychotherapy how stressful it is to be a teenager. I hear about difficulties with school and parents. However, being the parent of a teenager is stressful for parents too. Parents also have to deal with school issues and other teen issues.

One on the first concerns parents face when their teen is in high school is the fact that their child is going to have more exposure to alcohol, drugs and sex. Many parents I talk to are shocked at the drugs high school kids are using today. For example, Heroin is now common on high school campuses and parents are shocked. They are also shocked that middle schools are passing out condoms. They cannot believe how sexually active some teenagers are and how teens think oral sex is not sex.

So what should parents do? Parents need to educate themselves about drug and alcohol use on high school campuses and about sexual activity rates for teenagers. After educating themselves then parents need to talk with their teenagers. Explain the risks associated with alcohol, drugs and sex. Also explain how to protect themselves if they decide to engage in any of these activities. This is not giving your teen permission, but you cannot control their choices. Therefore, if they decide to use drugs or to be sexually active, you want them to be safe. Also explain your concerns about if the decide to engage in any of these activities. Also explain why you feel it is safer for them to wait until they are older. You do not want to preach, but it is important that your teenager is aware of your expectations. You cannot control their decisions, but you do not have to approve of their choices. This is something your teenager needs to understand. If they feel they are old enough to make these choices, then they are old enough to deal with your reactions.

Another major stress for parents is curfew. This is a common argument I hear in my office. Before high school starts it is a good idea to sit down with your teenager and agree on a curfew time, expectations for grades and consequences if they use poor judgement and make a mistake. Find out what time curfew is for your city. It is not asking too much that your teenager is home at a decent hour. For Freshman, 11pm really is a realistic time. When you discuss curfew I suggest a contract where you specify the time and consequences for breaking curfew. If you have it in writing, if there is a disagreement you can settle it easily by referring to your contract.

Another major concern for parents is driving. Parents worry about who will be driving and how well do the drive. The other concern is the driver driving drunk or high. Parents worry about getting a call in the middle of the night that there was a car accident and there child is in the Emergency Room or dead. With the recent changes in driving laws they decrease the chances of teen accidents. However, they do not stop teenage driving accidents. As parents you need to again sit down and discuss your concerns and agree on a contract. Agree about who they can drive with, who they cannot and keeping you informed. Again agree on consequences and write out a contract to decrease arguments.

Another major stressor for parents is money. Your teen wants to go out with friends and they need money for food, Starbucks or going to a movie. Parents also have to deal with the bills if a teen wants to play a sport or play an instrument or be a cheerleader. Parents have to pay for uniforms and a wide range of extras. Plus parents have to drive their teen to and from practices and games. For some sports such as football, there is practice daily.

These are only a few issues parents face when their child is in high school. They have to adjust to these issues and the fact that their child is getting older and is no longer a little kid. They are now young adults. We expect parents to adjust to all of these changes over night. Just like we need to give teenagers time to adjust to being in high school, we need to give parents time to adjust to having a child in high school. We also need to understand that parents will make mistakes during and after this adjustment period. It is also important to remember that being a parent is not a popularity contest. At times, you will need to make decisions your teenager does not like. However, as a parent sometimes you must make those unpopular decisions.

Parents you need to remember that you are going through a big adjustment just like your teenager. Also just like your teenager you need to allow yourself time to adjust and accept that you will make mistakes. You need to be patient and kind to yourself. Also if your teen is getting frustrated with you, do not be afraid to mention that you are going through an adjustment period too and they need to be patient with you. By being honest you are modeling this is a stressful time of life and hopefully your teen will open up to you when they are stressed and feeling overwhelmed.

Dr. Michael Rubino has worked with teenagers and their families for over 20 years. If you would like more information on Dr. Michael Rubino’s work or his private practice visit his website http://www.rubinocounseling.com or his Facebook page facebook.com/drrubino3.

Bullying in the 21st Century

Bullying in the 21st Century

Bullying is at an epidemic rate for school age children (CDC). Bullying is a problem many children and teenagers face on a daily basis and it is related to a large number of suicides. In fact, I read an article about a 15 year old girl in Pensilvania who killed herself which had a big impact on me. She was the victim of bullying at school. The family described her as a nice, caring girl. However, the bullying was severe enough to cause her to take her own life.

We need to remember that bullying is no longer just something that happens at school. Also it is no longer just part of childhood. With social media, bullying has become viscous. This 15 year old girl is not the first child to commit suicide due to bullying. It is happening very often in elementary, middle and high school. There are also cases of suicide due to bullying in College students. Furthermore, a child’s suicide impacts an entire family. A parent’s life is never the same after the death of a child especially if it is a suicide. Also the siblings of the suicide victim are never the same either.

In this girls obituary, the family openly discusses how they have been torn apart by the death of their daughter. The describe how they expect this feeling to last for a while. They also discuss trying to come to terms with this event. They cannot understand why kids would bully one kid so severely so the child be bullied feels that suicide is their only option.

We need to pay attention to what these parents are saying. Bullying has reached epidemic rates, as I stated above, and has become very vicious. Besides losing a young person too early, the entire family are victims of the bullying. Parents lose a child, siblings lose a sibling, grandparents lose a grandchild. The worse part is no one can make sense of the death. Why do we have children who feel the need to bully a child so severely that a child commits suicide? We need to think about this issue. I hear many children in psychotherapy reporting being bullied. These children are being bullied at school and at home through social media. Bullying has changed. Besides being teased at home, there are posts bullying them on Facebook, Snapchat and Instagram just to name a few social media sites. It doesn’t stop with social media. They receive emails and texts on a constant basis and these emails and texts are sent to other students too. In my opinion, this bullying is very vicious and emotionally exhausting. There person being bullied never gets a break from the bullying. Because they never get a break they have difficulties dealing with their emotions and their thoughts about themselves get twisted.1 They are so embarrassed about be bullied that they are ashamed to tell their parents. They feel they must have done something to deserve the bullying. Therefore, they tend not to tell their parents because they do not want to disappoint their parents.

We can take a lesson from this girl who committed suicide. After expressing their feelings, the parents closed the obituary with a simple request. They asked in lieu of flowers that we be kind to each other. This is the key. If kids who are bullying could put themselves in the shoes of the person they are bullying, they might stop. Also we need to look at the kids doing the bullying. What has happened to them to cause them to be so cruel to another person? Many bullies are victims of physical or severe emotional abuse. In order to solve the problem the person being bullied and the person bullying need to be treated.

In the mean time, we can honor the requests of this girl’s parents and be kind to each other. If you want to read the entire obituary here is the link. Family Of Teen Who Killed Herself Has Message For Bullies In Obituary https://patch.com/pennsylvania/northampton/obituary-pa-teen-who-killed-herself-bullies-its-not-too-late-change-your

Dr. Michael Rubino has 20 years experience treating children and adolescents. For more information regarding Dr. Rubino’s work or his private practice visit one of his websites http://www.rcs-ca.com or http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Middle School in the 21st Century

Middle School in the 21st Century

As a psychotherapist who treats adolescents who are in high school, I often hear parents concerns about what teens face in high school. For example, many parents worry about drugs and alcohol. There are numerous other issues too. The parents do need to be concerned because these are issues in high school. If they have a child in middle school too and I mention they need to address theses issues with their child in middle school, many parents look surprised.

I hear parents say every day that they don’t need to worry about drugs or alcohol with their child in middle school because their child is too young for that right now. Well the reality is that Middle School Students are drinking, using drugs and having sex. Many parents are unaware of what is happening in Middle Schools these days. Drugs and alcohol are just the tip of the iceberg. Children that are in the age group of middle school are now involved numerous dangerous activities such as selling drugs.

To begin with, most campuses are better pharmacies than your pharmacy. I have had middle school kids say they can get Vicodin, Concerta, Ecstasy and of course weed and alcohol on their school campus. Some kids use at school and some use after school and on the weekends. More and more middle school kids are deciding to experiment with drugs and alcohol due to the pressure to feel successful as a teenager and so they fit in with friends.

Also many middle school kids are sexually active, but they don’t think they are sexually active. They think because they are not engaging in intercourse and they are engaging in oral sex that it doesn’t count. The kids say they are just “messing around” with each other and do not consider this sex. They also have no idea about sexually transmitted diseases or how to protect themselves for STDs or getting pregnant. However, the number of middle school kids engaging in oral sex and intercourse has increased significantly over the last few years. The rate is now high enough that some middle schools, such as the San Francisco School District, are providing condoms to middle school kids. Yes, Middle Schools are giving condoms to children in the sixth grade. These kids are only 11 years old.

Another common issue in middle school is bullying. However, we are not just talking about one kid teasing another kid at school anymore. Today there is for a group of kids teasing one kid and it is not just at school. Now kids are using Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and texting by cellphone to tease and harass other kids. And as many of you may recall there have been a number of kids who have committed suicide due to the teasing at school. I recently wrote an article about a middle school girl who committed suicide and in her obituary she left a note to the other students just asking them to be nice to each other. Another issue with teasing, is that a number of middle school students have been arrested for photos they text and for harassment. Besides teasing, texting a nude photo of a student in middle school means the middle school child violated child pornography laws. Something many parents and students are not aware of is that when a child texts a nude photo of a middle school student, who is under 18 years old, it violates child pornography laws and the child who texts it and received it can both be arrested.

Also many kids in middle school, especially boys, don’t feel safe and are afraid of someone trying to beat them up before or afraid school. They say they have to fight because other kids are recording it and posting it on YouTube. Boys are bragging about their fights on YouTube and comparing how many people have watched their fight with their friend’s fight. Therefore, boys feel they must fight, otherwise if they don’t fight the other kids will think they are a “whimp” so they have to fight. Due to this fear many middle school students carry knives, metal pipes, guns or anything they can think of to protect themselves. This is very sad that kids have to live in fear for their lives and safety at school. Also parents and students don’t realize, if a student is caught with any of these items on campus they can be removed from their entire school district and required to go to continuation school. In addition, the school can have the student arrested. Due to terrorist activities, schools take anyone possessing items that can severely hurt someone very seriously.

These are just a few of the issues that are occurring at all middle schools and they are very serious. Your child is not going to come to you to ask about these issues or tell you about them because they feel embarrassed and they are afraid of getting in to trouble. So parents even though you may feel embarrassed or awkward discussing these issues with your 11 year-old child, please do so. If you notice anything about your child’s behavior that seems different to you and you feel a sense of concern, ask your child about what is happening at school and with friends. Mention they are getting older so are the issues in their lives and mention drinking, sex or being teased and ask if they need to talk about it. You may be saving their lives because they are dealing with things they know nothing about and these things can kill or have life long effects.

Here is a YouTube video that might help:

Dr Michael Rubino is an expert dealing with adolescents and adolescent issues. He has over 20 years experience treating adolescents. For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino’s practice check his website http://www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/Drrubino3.

Teenagers and Their High School Prom

Teenagers and Their High School Prom

Yes it is that time of year again — Prom Season. Along with the prom come the concerns of who will I go with? What will I wear? How much can I spend on a dress? And a number of other issues. Hopefully, you and your teen have already discussed the issues around dating and have agreements regarding dating. If not, Prom may be a harder issue because now you have to deal with issues regarding dating and Prom.

As a parent, the first thing to do is to contact your teen’s High School and see what rules and guidelines the school has already established. Many High Schools have rules regarding who can attend, such as only students of that high school can attend, a dress code and some high schools require you to inform them if you are going and your date’s name and the telephone numbers for both set of parents. They do this so if your teen fails to arrive by the designated time or if there are any problems at the Prom, they know who to call.

Another reason to contact the school is to find out where the Prom is being held. Due to the number deaths associated with alcohol or drug use, a number of high schools have decide to have the entire Prom on the school campus. They serve dinner and have the dance at the school. Once you have the details then it is time to discuss with your teen what your expectations are regarding the Prom. This is also the time where you will set the rules for the Prom and make your agreements with your teen.

Assuming the Prom is not being held at the campus and instead being held at a Hotel, there are a few items to discuss. The first issue is price. Most teens want to go to an expensive dinner, hire a limo for the night and for the girls there is the Prom dress. I have seen teens spend over $2,000 on their Prom dresses. A limo for the night can cost $2000 and dinner can cost $350. If you have this money and are willing to indulge your teen then there is no problem. However, most parents don’t have this extra money so you need to agree on a budget. For example, a limo is not a necessity for the Prom. As a parent you may feel safer with a limo because your teen is not driving. Also there is a new law and limos cannot carry liquor when they are driving for Proms and they must card anyone consuming alcohol in the limo. You can bring the price down by having your teen split the cost of the car with 2 to 3 other couples. However, you will want to talk to the parents of your teen’s date and any friends they are going with to ensure all the parents agree.

Another option is letting your teenager pay for part of their prom. There is nothing wrong with expecting them to contribute to the cost of their prom. In fact, it is a good way to educate them about money. If they are having to spend their own money, they may choose some cheaper options. to the . This is a good way to start teaching your teen about managing money. If they are using their own money, they may choose some less expensive options. You can have your teen purchase the prom tickets, pay for the dinner, girls can pay for part of their dress and boys can pay to rent a tuxedo and for a corsage for their date. As a parent you may want to help with the limo, if they are using one, and the Prom pictures. Some teenagers may need some help budgeting money and parents can help teens with figuring out ways to budget and less expensive options for some items. For example, parents can suggest a very nice restaurant that is not very expensive.

If you have a daughter you need to negotiate the cost of the dress or consider renting a dress. In my opinion she does not need to spend $500 on a dress or more to look good. The same rule goes for her hair. She does not need to spend $300 on styling her hair for one night. She can rent a dress and there are beauticians who do not charge as much but still do an excellent job.

You also need to talk with your teen regarding your expectations about consuming alcohol, using drugs and sexual activity on Prom night. Many teens plan After Parties for their Proms. Quite often at the After Parties is where the drinking, drug use or sexual activity occurs. This is another reason why it is important to know who your teen will be going with to the Prom and their parents. You should never allow your teen to go to an After Party where there is no adult supervision. If the party is at a friend’s house with adult supervision and you have spoken with the adult, there should be no problem. If your teen wants to rent a hotel room so their date and their friends can have a party, this is a huge problem and should not be allowed. There are too many incidents where teens overdose, drink to the point of alcohol poisoning, get pregnant or trash the hotel room. Most hotels will not rent a room to someone under 18, but many teens find away around this rule using friends or cousins who are 18 years or older. Also some parents will rent the room for their teen because they want to be viewed as the nice parent. Remember being a parent is not a popularity contest and some times you need to make an unpopular decision because that is what is best for your teenager. This is also a reason why you would want to talk to the parents of the friends your teenager is going to the Prom with. You may want to ask if any of the parents agreed to rent a hotel room.

Another issue to discuss is curfew. Yes it is their Prom and you want them to have a good time, but there is no reason why they need to stay out the entire night or for the entire weekend. If there is adult supervision the entire time it may work. If there is not adult supervision it is a recipe for disaster. Yes some parents plan a breakfast for the morning after the prom. They may serve breakfast at 4 am. If there are plans such as these, your teen could simply text you at some point that everything is going fine. No one needs to know that they checked in with you.

One other issue you need to be prepared for is if your teen does not have a date for the Prom. This can be devastating to a teenager. If this occurs reassure them that it means nothing about them as a person and allow them to express their feelings. Many schools are realizing how much pressure having a date is placing on teenagers and some teens are not ready to date in High School. Therefore, a number of High Schools have changed policies regarding the Prom. Many schools allow teens to make a choice. If they want to take a date they can or if they do not want to take a date and just go with friends that is fine. So if your teen does not have a date and the school does not require one explain not everyone is ready to date in High School and there is nothing wrong with them. Reinforcing their self-esteem can be very important because as a teen many teenager’s self-esteem are fragile and they need your support.

Finally, you need to have a discussion with your teen regarding acting responsibly and to have self-respect. The Prom is a major event and it is another step that your teen is taking into the adult world. They need to remember if they want to act like adults, they have to be willing to accept being treated like an adult. So if they violate the rules that their school has established for the Prom, they may be giving up their right to graduate with their class. The Prom should be a happy event that you and your teen both remember for a long time. If you discuss the issues before the Prom and come to agreements that you both accept then it should be a safe, happy event for all. Good luck!

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with teenagers, their parents and high schools. For more information on his work visit his website http://www.rubinocounseling.com, his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or follow him on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

I Love My Child, but I Don’t Like My Child

I Love My Child, but I Don’t Like My Child

What should I do when my teen is driving me crazy. Here are ideas for those days when you love your child but don’t like your child. Every parents has those days. It’s normal. I Love My Child But Sometimes I Can’t Stand Him! https://www.empoweringparents.com/article/i-love-my-child-but-sometimes-i-cant-stand-him/?utm_source=Empowering+Parents+Newsletter&utm_campaign=4a33f0d3da-Newsletter_2019-03-01&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_5bbf2964fe-4a33f0d3da-112844061&goal=0_5bbf2964fe-4a33f0d3da-112844061&mc_cid=4a33f0d3da&mc_eid=e93a7440c4