Look at the World Today and Teenagers are Acting Normal

Look at the World Today and Teenagers are Acting Normal

Many teenagers and children are reporting increased symptoms of depression and anxiety and being afraid to go outside (CDC). They are also reporting feeling nervous about the future of the world and they feel they are living in chaos right now. They are not sure who to believe at times and they are confused about what is happening in our Country. They are not the only ones feeling this way. Many adults are having the same feelings. If we stop and look around, anyone would be worried and concerned about the future and their safety.

As of today, June 20, 2021, there have been 272 mass shootings and as I am writing this that number is wrong because there was another mass shooting in Oakland, California a couple hours ago. According to the statistics by Gun Violence Archives, 8100 people have been shot so far in 2021 and 54 people a day are killed by guns. According to the Gun Violence Archives in 2019 there were only 164 mass shootings by this time in 2019. This means we have seen a 65% increase in mass shootings in 2021.

In addition, we are seeing other gun violence too. A woman was shot at her job because she asked a customer to wear his mask. Children as young as 6 years old and 4 months have been victims of road rage or drive by shootings. Every day children and teenagers are hearing about more and more people who were shot and died. Why shouldn’t children and teenagers be experiencing more anxiety, depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They are living in a war zone. They children in Israel and the Middle East are safer from gun violence (Gun Violence Archives). This is the United States! This is insane that we are dealing with so much gun violence. It has become a Public Health issue. However, as we see gun violence increasing, the governor of Texas is allowing people to carry guns without having to get a permit. This makes no sense!

In addition to the gun violence, our government is in chaos. We still have people stating Trump won the Presidential Election even though all 50 states have certified that he lost and furthermore the US Supreme Court has certified the election was valid and Trump lost. However, we have Senators blaming the FBI for stealing the election from Trump and they are blaming the FBI for the attack on the US Capital Building. This is confusing and makes people worry about the future of our Nation.

On January 6th, Trump supporters tried to over through our Government. Some Senators claim it was a peaceful protest. However, videos released this week show Trump supporters attacking the US Capital Police and screaming that they were going to hang the Vice President. Two officers were killed and several others have since died from their wounds or have committed suicide due to PTSD. These officers saved our Country, yet some Senators state it was a peaceful protest and they refused to grant the officers the Congressional Gold Medal and they have refused to authorize a committee to investigate this attack on our Nation. This is an insult to the US Capital Police and it leaves our Country at risk for another mass of protestors to attack our Country. Numerous Congressmen and Senators who have told the truth about that day and the election have received numerous death threats and need additional security to ensure their safety and lives.

In addition to all this chaos, we have been dealing with a extremely deadly virus for the last year. Children and teenagers have not been able to go to school, see friends and many have had numerous deaths in their families. Over 540,000 Americans have died from the Coronavirus Pandemic. We now have vaccinations which will help stop the spread of this virus, however some people are refusing to get vaccinated due to bizarre theories by Qanon and there is no scientific evidence to back up any of their reasons. Also some people are claiming we have beat the Coronavirus. We have not beat the virus! The strain coming from India is much more dangerous and lethal. The vaccines can help stop the spread of this strain and stop further mutations. Remember children under 12 have not been vaccinated yet. Therefore, children are at risk of being attacked by this new strain. Despite what people say, children do get the Coronavirus and they are at risk of developing a rare condition where their immune systems attack their bodies. Children have died from the Coronavirus and more will die this winter if we refuse to get vaccinated and allow the virus to spread.

People may think children and teenagers are not aware of these issues but they are very aware of these issues. They can see the pop ups on their cellphones, iPads and laptops. They are searching the internet about all the chaos that is occurring in our Country. During their sessions I have had children and teenagers discussing all of these issues because they are worried about their safety and the safety of their families. Many children and teenagers have lost loved ones due to the Coronavirus or gun violence and they do not want to lose more family members. Furthermore, they are looking at the fact that we cannot keep order in our Country and questioning how are we going to keep them safe. As a result, many children and teenagers are suffering from depression, anxiety, trauma and some do not want to leave their homes. How can we blame them?

There is nothing wrong with children and teenagers today who are reacting to the chaos they are being forced to live in. They are perfectly sane and having sane reactions. The inappropriate reactions are coming from adults who refuse to stand up and demand that our Government acts and acts quickly. When we allow these shootings or people to disrespect someone because they are telling someone they need to wear a mask or we do nothing to stop the hate crimes against Asians, Jewish people and Transgender people, we are part of the problem. Anytime we see someone being disrespectful or spreading these insane theories we must speak up. We must speak up so our children and teenagers have a chance of feeling safe and not being killed by a gun. Children and teenagers are not over reacting. Adults are under reacting and not holding our elected officials responsible for not acting. Adults are responsible for not setting an example in public and treating everyone with the dignity they deserve. We are all people and everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect not hate or punished because they will not lie for people who choose to believe in and follow a narcissistic man who only caress about himself. The choice is yours do you want your children and teenagers to feel safe or to live in fear and believe there is no hope for the future.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers and trauma victims including first responders. For more information about his work visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify and Apple.

Are We Honoring Our Military?

Are We Honoring Our Military?

Memorial Day is a day for every American to remember and honor every man and woman who have served in the military, who have been injured while serving in the military and especially to remember those who died serving in the military protecting our rights as American citizens. In addition, it is a day to remember their families too. Families have been changed forever due to a family member serving in the military. Some soldiers have lost arms, legs or have suffered brain injuries impairing their ability to function for the rest of their lives. Finally, families who have had someone die while in the military will never be the same again. Someone lost a son or daughter, sibling, spouse or a child lost a parent. Therefore, we owe the men and women who have served in our military and their families a tremendous debt of gratitude. They have sacrificed themselves and their families so we can live in America and have the rights that we do. Rights that no other country offers their citizens.

However, as I look at the state of our Nation today, I wonder, are we honoring our military men and women. We have mass shootings daily. We are seeing a significant increase in anti-Semitic crime and violence along with a significant increase in violent attacks against Asian Americans. Finally we are seeing one of our fundamental rights be destroyed. The right to vote and peaceful elect our government. Our last Presidential election did not follow a peaceful transfer of power. In fact, despite the fact that the United States Supreme Court and numerous other federal courts and Secretaries of State certified it was a fair and legal election, Trump never conceded nor did he participate in handling the Presidency over to President Biden. In stead he continues to state the election was a lie. In addition to this issue, we are seeing states passing bills making it more difficult for citizens to vote. Again the United States Supreme Court and many United States Federal Courts have ruled that voting was fair and legal during the last election. Yet tonight, Texas is debating and voting on a bill, if passed, that will make it extremely difficult for citizens who have lower incomes to vote.

The men and women who served in our military and fighting in World War I, World War II, the Korean Conflict, the Viet Nam War and who have been fighting in Iraq for over 17 years we’re fighting for our American rights. They were fighting for our freedom of speech, freedom of religion and our right to vote and elect our government in a peaceful manner. I cannot help to wonder how do these military men, women and families feel about the sacrifices they made when they look at our Nation today. I doubt they feel they are being honored for their sacrifices.

If we look at the United States Capital Police, we get an answer to my question. On January 6, 2021, the United States Capital was violently attacked. You had protesters in the US Capital screaming that they were going to hang the Vice President and they had a hangman’s noose already built and waiting outside the building. In addition they were screaming that they were going to kill the Speaker of the House too. The Capital Police did their job to protect the US Capital and our Vice President, the Speaker of the House and the Senators. It didn’t matter that they were being beat will steel rods, being sprayed with pepper spray and numerous other things. Several US Capital Police were killed that day and several more have committed suicide due to the trauma they experienced. They never thought about themselves, they only thought about their jobs. As a result of the heroic efforts, the Vice President, the Speaker of the House and the Senators escaped without any injuries. The US Capital Police stopped a National tragedy from occurring that day.

The Congress was considering a commission to identify how this attack occurred and how to prevent another attack. The House of Representatives passed a proposal for a committee, but the Republican Senators voted against the committee and are some are saying there is no need to form a committee to investigate the events of that day. The US Capital Police who were interviewed after the vote claimed it was a slap in the face. Many of the officers lost their lives due to the attack and many will be permanently disabled for life. They state it is a slap in the face because they sacrificed themselves for our Nation and our right for a fair election and the Republican Senators don’t seem to care. In fact, some Senators and Donald Trump claim there was no riot. People walked in peacefully kissing and shaking the officer’s hands. However anyone who looks at the video of that day can clearly tell it was not peaceful and the protesters were there to kill.

When I consider how the US Capital Police felt, it makes me wonder about all of the other service men and women who have fought for our country. I also wonder about how the families who had loved ones killed must feel. How can they feel honored, when we are tearing apart everything they fought for and died for. We are allowing our democracy to be destroyed by a few people who only care about themselves.

In my opinion we need to be brave and show the courage that our men are women of the military have shown over the years. We need to speak up against the injustice we see and we must demand a stop to voting laws being changed so lower income families cannot vote. We also must demand that our Senators follow the Constitution. When they assumed their office, they promised to protect and uphold the US Constitution not their political party. If our soldiers were brave enough to give their lives, we should be brave enough to speak up, write letters and make phone calls. After all, how can we ask our children to stand up against bullies, if we won’t stand up for our rights that soldiers have died for?

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers, trauma victims and first responders. For more information regarding his work visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

Teenagers and The New Sexuality

Teenagers and The New Sexuality

As I have said before, the teenagers in this generation are different from past generations. One way they are different are they question the “norm” and they are setting new standards. One area where they have set new standards is in the area of sexuality. Yes people still identify as ga, lesbian and bisexual, but we have more teenagers identifying as transgender, transsexual and pansexual. Pansexual is a person who is sexually attracted to the person’s personality their gender does not matter. Additionally, we have more teenagers who do not identify as male or female. They identify as other. They feel they have male and female attributes therefore they feel the old labels are too narrow. There are even teenagers who identify as asexual. As a result, they identify as “other” so they can be themselves. In fact, you may have noticed this change on demographic forms you need to complete. For gender more people are being given the option to put other or decline to state.

With demographic forms changing it is a sign that society is acknowledging what teenagers are feeling. We also see this in a recent Supreme Court ruling guaranteeing gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people are entitled to the same protection on their jobs as everyone else. The Supreme Court is acknowledging the change in society and this is correct. Homosexual marriage has been legal in our country for a few years and there are many laws addressing the rights of transgender and transexual individuals. These laws are acknowledging that regardless of sexual orientation, we are all human beings entitled to the same rights.

While there has been progress is it enough? As a psychotherapist who treats adolescents, I would say no. I still have parents who bring their teenager who identifies as homosexual or transgender into therapy. They do not bring the teen in for therapy to help them deal with the social pressures they are encountering at school and other places. No they bring their teen into me so I can fix them. Many parents still consider these feelings to be a teenage phase or that someone convinced their child to think and feel this way. When I explain to parents there is nothing to fix, many parents do not believe me. They tell me they will take their teen to someone who will fix them.

It is true that at times during adolescence or young adulthood, college age, that some people may have doubts about their sexuality and may even experiment. Just because some teens do question doesn’t mean every teenager questions. Think back to when you were a teenager, sexual feelings were very confusing. Therefore, some teens do question. However, I also have seen many teens who are not questioning. I have worked with many teens who know their sexuality for sure. They are not questioning and many of these teens tell me they have known their sexuality since they were little children.

When parents are still brining teens in for me to fix them and they are still being harassed and bullied at school, I do not think we have made a lot of progress. Yes some progress has been made, but we still need to make more progress.

One example that indicates we still need to make progress is suicide. The suicide rate for teenagers in general has increased from the third leading cause of death to the second leading cause of death. However, the rate is much different for homosexual or transgender teenagers. It is estimated that the suicide rate for teens who identify as homosexual, transgender, transsexual or questioning is five times the rate of the “average” teenager (The Trevor Project)). Think about this, for the general population of teens suicide is the second leading cause of death and those who identify as LGBT are five times more likely than the average teen to commit suicide. This means there are millions of teens killing themselves due to their sexual feelings and stereotypes that are outdated. Also the five times is an estimate. Many teens who attempt or commit suicide may have told no one about their sexual feelings. Also sexuality is not part of an autopsy. Therefore, the number is probably higher.

Another fact which indicates we still have work to do is that teenagers who identify as homosexual or transgender have few places to go to for help. Many are afraid to seek therapy from a private therapist because they are afraid the therapist will tell their parents. Legally a psychotherapist cannot tell parents if their teen is questioning their sexuality, but many teens are not willing to take that chance. There are very few non-profit groups dedicated to the topic because stereotypes still exist. I practice in the East Bay Area of San Francisco and I only know of one non-profit, the Rainbow Center, which provides services to teenagers who are questioning their sexuality.

Fifty years later teenagers should not have to be dealing with these stereotypes at home and at school and there should be support services available. We need to eliminate the stigma associated with sexuality and mental health, we need to educate parents and schools about teenagers sexuality and we need more mental health services for teens. As psychotherapist we need to do a better job of educating the public that if a teenager tells us they are homosexual or transsexual or transgender, we cannot break confidentiality. Meaning we can tell no one not even there parents. We also need to educate parents this is not a disease that we cure. Sexuality is a normal part of being a human being and there are various forms of sexuality and they are all normal. Again, think about those suicide rates and how many teens we lose every year because of a stereotype. This is ridiculous!!

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over twenty years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Mental Health Care in 2021 in the United States

Mental Health Care in 2021 in the United States

The month of May is dedicated to mental health awareness. I decided to use this opportunity to frankly discuss the mental health care system in the United States and what many families and patients have to go through and often not receive any help. Unfortunately, this is very common that many teenagers and adults fail to receive mental health care or receive inadequate mental health care.

Many people assume that the United States provides the best physical and mental health care in the world. However, this is not the case. One example of this fact comes from the ABC News Show 20/20. An Olympic Athlete had been living with Bipolar Disorder for over 20 years and never diagnosed. She had been reporting difficulties with depression for years, but her complaints were dismissed. The alarming fact is that even though her brother committed suicide due to being Bipolar her symptoms were dismissed. We know that Bipolar Disorder is inherited and suicide tends to run in families. In other words, if a family member committed suicide it puts you at a higher risk for suicide. The family never discussed the brother’s suicide due to shame associated with suicide and mental illness. Therefore, clinicians treating her may never have been told that her brother committed suicide. The Athlete and her husband asked for help for 10 years and despite the fact she had all the symptoms and a family history of Bipolar, no one diagnosed her. She lives in the United States, her brother committed suicide because he was Bipolar and it still took 10 years for her to be diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and not dismissed by psychiatrist as someone who was over reacting. Now that she is diagnosed she is dealing with the shame of being Bipolar. However, the shame associated with mental illness and suicide might have contributed to her not being diagnosed earlier. Often patients come in to my office for help, but I may not get all the vital information for months because the patient is embarrassed and worried how I might react to their family history.

We often hear parents complain that their teenager is driving them crazy or a teenager complaining how unfair their parents are to live with on a daily basis. Many people assume this is normal life with a teenager. However, according to the CDC, one out of five teenagers have a diagnosable mental health condition and would benefit from psychotherapy. The parents of these teenagers are begging for help, but they are ignored. Many people assume they are over reacting. Furthermore, there is a strong negative stereotype about mental health in our Country and people prefer not to be associated with someone who has a mental health issue. Many people act like mental health issues are catchy and a sign of weakness and lower intelligence. None of these ideas are true. In fact, many very famous people have mental health issues themselves or in their families.

Therefore, you have some parents begging anyone who will listen for help. You also have teenagers who are crying out for help by cutting themselves or acting out trying to get people’s attention. Many of us assume if the parents are begging or the teenager is cutting themselves that they will receive mental health care. Unfortunately, this is not how our world works. I have been working as a psychotherapist who treats teenagers for over 20 years. There have been many times I could not have a suicidal teenager hospitalized because the hospital had no beds for a suicidal teenager or the insurance refused to authorize the admission to the hospital.

This is a very important point for people to understand. As the psychotherapist, I do not determine the treatment plan for a teenager or child. Your insurance company dictates the treatment plan. They have decided what diagnosis they will cover and what treatment modalities they will pay for. Additionally, they decide how much they will pay. I have seen some teenagers and the insurance would only allow $25 per session. Many people assume the insurance company pays psychotherapist or hospitals their entire fee. They pay the psychotherapist or hospital the rate they decide. If the psychotherapist wants to work with that insurance company they must agree to accept the insurance company’s rate. This is why health care providers always ask for your copay. The copay is part of the rate. If the insurance rate is $50 and your copay is $25, if the provider does not collect your copayment, the insurance only pays $25. This is why many providers do not accept insurance. They dictate the course of therapy even though they no nothing about the teen and they under pay the provider. Insurance companies make a great deal of money by charging high premiums and refusing to pay for treatment. This is not fair or appropriate.

Therefore, parents are seeking help, but they are told they need to contact someone else, they have contacted the wrong place. For example, one Thanksgiving I had a mother have my answering service page me and she was begging me for help because her teen was suicidal. I referred her to the County hospital because based on what she said the teen needed to be hospitalized. She told me the County hospital gave her my telephone number because they had no more beds for anyone who was suicidal. The parents tell me they feel like no one cares. She did everything she should have, but she could not get help. Her son needed to be hospitalized for his safety, but the hospital refused to admit him.

Again, some people might believe this is an isolated case. Sadly this is not an isolated case. As I said, I specialize in treating suicidal, bipolar and teens who are trauma victims. There have been a number of times I have sent a suicidal teen by ambulance from my office to the County hospital only to have the teen released in less than an hour because the hospital had no beds. I had one person on the Psychiatric Crises Unit tell me on the telephone unless the person had a shotgun in their mouth not to send them to the Hospital because they had no beds for suicidal teens. The hospital only has a couple of beds for suicidal teenagers based on the State budget. Anytime cuts need to be made to the State budget, mental health is always the first area to be cut.

As a result of budget cuts and insurance companies denying treatment, the therapist in a difficult position. Do you just discharge the teen or do you continue to treat the teen for a low fee or for free? Remember 1 out of 5 teens have a psychological condition that needs treatment, what do you do when treatment is denied or there are no treatment options? Besides 1 out of 5 teens needing mental health care, the CDC has recently moved suicide from the third leading cause of death to the second leading cause of death for children 10 to 18 years old. Therefore, there are many teens who desperately need mental health care and may die without it. Also, when you examine the results further you find that teens who need therapy but fail to receive it are more likely to get involved with drugs, crime, are more likely to drop out of school, more likely to get pregnant or father a child and that child is more likely to become a foster child. These teens are also more likely to end up on probation, homeless and on welfare.

As a society we do not place much emphasis on mental health care. Mental health care programs are always some of the first programs cut when the budget is cutback. Our priorities need to be examined. I find I t very interesting that Contra Costa County had enough money to build a new Juvenile Hall, which is three times the size of the old Juvenile Hall, but there was not enough money to fund a large number of mental health services which had to be cut.

We often look at teens who are acting out and blame their parents. We ask why don’t they get their child the help they need? What stops them from helping their teenager? Why is the teen always getting involved with drugs or not going to school? The answer could be because the teen needs mental health care and the parents have been and continue to try to get their teen help but their is no help. The teen may be acting out because they are tired of asking for help and being in pain so they start looking for the easiest way out of pain.

If we want our teenagers to grow up to become productive members of society then we need to provide them with the mental health care they need. If we want parents to be responsible parents, then we need to provide parents options for how to get their teens help when they ask for it.

With the number of mass shootings, the significant increase in the number of children with anxiety disorders and the epidemic of teenagers cutting and teenage suicide, I am surprised we have not made it easier and more affordable for teenagers to get adequate mental health care. In addition to the issues I stated above, the Coronavirus has created a number of mental health issues for children and teenagers. Grief due to the death of family members, drug use and overdoses have increased and so have anxiety and depression increased due to the pandemic. However, I don’t see any plans to deal with the large number of teenagers who are going to need help. I have seen a significant increase in the number of teenagers needing mental health care since the Pandemic started. I have also seen insurance companies refusing to cover mental health, so what do we do?

I have been treating teens for over 20 years and it is still a problem to get a teenager residential care if they need it. Also it is still difficult to get teens medication at an affordable price. I had a teen the other day who needs medication but they had no medical coverage to see a psychiatrist. The parent made an appointment but the fee for the visit was $450 and they would not reduce the fee. So again what do they do?

We can write our Congressmen and Senators and demand that they fund community mental health centers. We can also demand that private insurance companies be required to offer teenagers and their families adequate mental health benefits based on what professional therapists are recommending. The professional treating the child knows what the child needs not some clerical worker with a Bachelors degree who is answering phone calls at the insurance company.

In short, if we want our teenagers to survive their teen years we all need to act together and demand that our children receive the treatment they need and deserve. Mental health care is not a dirty word. There is no difference between mental health and physical health. Therefore, they needed to be treated the same and we need to eliminate the stigma associated with mental health issues.

Finally, private insurance companies make huge profits and drive the cost of health care up based on how they do business. If we don’t start to speak up for our kids, they will never receive the care they need. Look at your next pay stub and look at how much you pay for health insurance and compare that to the benefits you receive. When you take your teenager to a psychotherapist most insurance companies only pay the therapist $75. Your copay is part of the payment. Your premiums are high, but they do not pay it out to providers they keep it.

Dr Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers dealing with anxiety, depression and trauma. To find out more about Dr Michael Rubino and his private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify and Apple

Leave Your Divorce at Home and Don’t Take it to Your Teen’s Graduation

Leave Your Divorce at Home and Don’t Take it to Your Teen’s Graduation

Last year due to the Coronavirus most graduations either were canceled or occurred virtually. This year due to the the success of the vaccines, many schools are having graduation ceremonies. This is fantastic for High School students and college students. However, if a High School Senior’s parents are divorced, their High School Graduation can create a number of problems. This article address the issues associated with divorce and High School Graduation and provides some solutions to the issues.

Divorce brings a lot of new situations in to a people’s lives especially if you have children. Hopefully, when you and your spouse divorced it was done in a civil manner and the children were not put in the middle of the divorce. This is the ideal situation, however, we do not always get the ideal situation. Very often divorces are high conflict and the two of you argue over everything and anything. Usually in these high conflict divorces, the children are put in the middle and used as weapons. The children feel they have to choose between their mother and their father. This is a very sad situation.

This conflict usually interferes with visitations and holidays too. Parents argue about pick up times and drop off times, how long they have the children for holidays and there is often arguments about can a child bring toys or clothes from Dad’s house to Mom’s house. In short, parents argue about everything and the children become sick and tired of the arguing.

The other factor that adds to this is grandparents saying negative things about the ex wife or ex-husband. This only increases the pressure and stress the children are dealing with after a divorce.

The final stressor is when one or both parents remarry or have a long term boyfriend or girlfriend. Then the arguments about she is not my child’s mother or he is not my child’s father and I don’t want them involved in my child’s life start. Also a new girlfriend or boyfriend can cause teens to argue with their parents because they want their parents back together.

In short in a high conflict divorce, children live in a war zone. They become use to arguing about everything and often feel they must choose sides. At times some children do choose sides hoping to end the fighting or because they are so confused. This type of divorce creates a great deal of issues for children and I cannot cover all the issues in this blog. I would need a book to cover all the issues. Most the time, teens become sick and tired of the fighting and wish that their parents would stop fighting so they could at least not have to worry about what will cause the next argument.

Graduation is one of those issues. Parents will often start arguing about issues such as, “I paid for everything you needed for high school and now your father wants to come.” Or “if your mother shows up, after everything she has done, I won’t be in the same room as her.” And of course there is always the issue of “he better not bring her to my child’s graduation.” What is a teenager to do?

They have spent the last four years working very hard in high school and graduation is a day for them to celebrate their accomplishment. They also usually want the people who they love and care about to be there with them to celebrate their accomplishment. However, how does this happen when Mom and Dad and grandparents are stating their terms about who can attend graduation and how graduation day will go because of the divorce.

Your teenager did not get divorced. You and your spouse divorced and even though you are no longer married, you are both still parents for your teenager and you need to act like parents and adults. This means putting aside all your feeling and issues so your teenager can truly celebrate their day, their graduation. Most parents have told their teens to stop being selfish and to think about someone else, at some point during High School. Well isn’t it time that you followed your own advice. Stop thinking about yourselves and your divorce and think about your teenager and how you can make your teenager’s graduation a happy day for them.

What you need to do is you and your ex spouse need to sit down together or email each other and discuss how the two of you can put your issues on hold for one day so your teenager can have what they deserve, a happy graduation. The two of you need to talk with grandparents too and other extended family and inform them what will be allowed and what will not. This doesn’t mean you have to act like best friends. You simply need to be civil to each other. If you don’t think you can sit next to each other at the graduation, then one of you sits on the left and one sits on the right. You don’t have to have a joint party either. You can decide to have separate parties. The key is communicating with each other before the graduation and decide how you can do it civilly. This will be the best graduation present that you can give your teenager. If you can allow them to have their graduation day to celebrate their accomplishment without having to worry about what fight there will be. You are also teaching them a lesson about love, being parents and relationships.

The most important thing to do is remember this is a celebration. So let your teenager celebrate and allow yourselves to celebrate with your teenager as their mother and father. Remember the divorce ended your marriage not your relationship together as parents. Do not allow your divorce to deprive you from enjoying your child’s High School graduation day with them. They only graduate from high school once.

Dr. Michael Rubino has 20 years experience working with teenagers and families coping with divorce. He is an expert in providing psychotherapy treatment for children and teenagers. For more information about Dr. Rubino or his private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

A Mom is Not Always the Person who gave Birth to You

A Mom is Not Always the Person who gave Birth to You

Tomorrow is Mother’s Day and many people will be celebrating it with the person who gave birth to them and raised them as a child. However, this is not the case for everyone. For some people their mother died during childbirth or due to cancer or a car accident. The point is the mother who gave birth to them may not have raised them. This is the same for situation for anyone who was adopted. This also may apply to people who grew up in foster care or for people who’s mother had a drug or alcohol addiction. This situation may apply to many children and teenagers right now.

The point I am trying to make is just because someone gave birth to a child it does not make them a mom. It does make them a mother, but a mom is the person who is their when you are sick, struggling with your homework or you are being teased at school. They teach you about the world and they let you know that they will always love you. They will love you their entire life no matter what happens in your life. This provides a child with a sense of safety and self-esteem.

However, Mother’s Day focuses on the person who gave birth to a child not the person who necessarily raised the child. For many children and teenagers this leaves them feel confused and like they are different from others. They feel this way because they don’t have a relationship with their birth mother. They have a relationship with the person who raised them and that is mom to them. Many feel strange wishing the person who raised them Happy Mother’s Day because that is not how we tend to think about Mother’s Day.

I have had many teenagers ask me what they should do about Mother’s Day because they were not raised by their biological mother. Maybe they were raised by their grandmother or a foster mother. What I explain to them is being a mom takes more than just giving birth to a child. I also explain that someone may give birth to a child but because of life circumstances they are not prepared or able to be a mom. This doesn’t mean they were not loved by their birth mother. It simply means their birth mother for what ever reason was not capable of being a mom. Therefore, instead of being selfish, they allowed someone who was ready to be a mom to raise them. It is very important to let the teenager know that just because their birth mother was not capable of being a mom does not mean they were not loved or wanted.

Regarding Mother’s Day, I let them know there is no problem celebrating it and acknowledging the person who raised them. Again it might be an adoptive parent, a grandmother, a foster mother or a combination of people. The point is they have the right to celebrate and acknowledge whoever feels like mom to them. They do not need to worry about what other people may think. I also point out that whoever they choose to acknowledge and celebrate the day with will feel honored. Many children don’t get to choose who was a mom to them, but they do. Being a Mom is one of the most important jobs a woman can have in life. If you are deciding to honor someone as your Mom they will feel very lucky. They will feel happy that you think so much of them that you want to honor them on Mother’s Day. Therefore. don’t worry about what others may think, celebrate the day with the person you identify as Mom.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers and trauma victims. If you would like more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify and Apple.

Yes, You can Take Your IEP to College

Yes, You can Take Your IEP to College

Working with children and adolescents I have had many parents ask about 504 plans and Individual Educational Plans (IEP). Parents tend to focus on the assistance their child may need in elementary or high school due to a learning disability or mental health issues. Working over 20 years as a psychotherapist, what I have observed is that children who need assistance in elementary and high school typically need assistance in college. However, many students are not aware that they are entitled to assistance in College too. Now that schools and colleges are reopening many college students are planning on returning to campus and high school seniors who are graduating are preparing to leave for college. Parents are trying to anticipate what their child will need at college, such as laptops etc. However, do not forget their Individual Educational Plan (IEP) so they can arrange for accommodations at their college.

From my experience, most families assume there is no assistance in college. However, typically if a child has an IEP, they are also entitled to assistance in college. Most colleges in their Counseling departments have people and programs designated to help disabled students. A student with a physical or learning disability or mental health issue such as ADHD or depression would qualify for assistance by the Disabled Students Program at a college. I have recently been receiving many questions from Parents about what happens to their child’s IEP when the go to college and questions from parents who have college freshmen asking about their child’s IEP. Therefore, I thought it would be beneficial to provide information about how IEPs are handled by colleges. In addition to an IEP, any student with a learning disability or mental health issue is entitled to accommodations by their college because they are covered by the Americans with Disabilities Act of 1991.

Additionally, if you live in California and you have a physical or learning disability or a mental health issue and if you had or did not have an IEP while in school, you may qualify to be a client of the California Department of Rehabilitation. This Department is responsible for assisting people in California, with a disability, find a job and get the education they may need to find a job. The Department may assist their clients by providing tuition assistance for community or state colleges and provide financial assistance to buy text books and school supplies. What they are able to do depends on the State budget.

This is another reason for parents to insist when their child does need an IEP that the school district places the child on an IEP. The lies schools tell parents that an IEP will prevent their child from getting into a college, the military or getting a job are not true. Another reason to insist on the IEP, if your child qualifies for an IEP, as a result of having an IEP, your child can be granted accommodations on the SAT or ACT. These are tests seniors typically need to take when they are applying to four year universities. The common accommodation most students require is additional time to complete the tests. I have had many teens with ADHD come to me seeking accommodations on the SAT or ACT. A common requirement that the testing boards require is that a student needs to have had an IEP if they are seeking accommodations on these tests.

Therefore, many students who have disabilities or mental health issues can receive assistance in college. While many people may be surprised, it is true. However, for many college students finding the assistance can be confusing and overwhelming. For a Freshman in college, dealing with heath or mental health issues, the confusion and embarrassment the feel at times because of society’s stereotypes can cause students to give up. The best place for a college freshman to start is the student counseling center. They can then direct them to the correct department and they can avoid some of the embarrassment and confusion.

Also I was contacted by bettercollege.com with a resource guide they developed for college students with mental health issues. While their guide was created for students with mental health issues, it can also be used as a guide for students with physical or learning disabilities. This guide can help a student not feel so overwhelmed or embarrassed too.

Since I feel this is a valuable guide to Freshman students and their families, I am including a link to this resource guide below:

Guide to College Planning for Psychiatrically Impaired Students – https://www.bestcolleges.com/resources/college-planning-with-psychiatric-disabilities/

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience working with children, teenagers and college students. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work and private practice visit one of his web sites www.RubinoCounseling.com or www.rcs-ca.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

As Schools Reopen the Issue of Bullying Returns Too

As Schools Reopen the Issue of Bullying Returns Too

As more people in the United States are vaccinated for the Coronavirus, we are seeing the number of cases and deaths significantly decline. While we have not over come the Coronavirus yet, we are able to start to resume many everyday activities. One of these activities is reopening schools and children and teenagers returning to school.

Before the pandemic most kids and teenagers complained how they hated school and wanted to stay home. However, after a year of remote learning most kids and teenagers want to go back to the classroom and also see their friends again. However, as kids return to school a common issue will return. The issue is kids being teased and bullied. In the 21st century bullying doesn’t just happen at school it now occurs on line and via texting too.

Often when a child is being bullied they do not say anything to their parents until the bullying is really bad. They are afraid, especially boys, that you will see them as weak. They are also afraid that you will be disappointed in them for not defending themselves. Parents it’s important that you understand that you have not said anything or done anything to create this feeling in your child. Our society teaches children these messages, especially boys. Children receive these messages about being strong and solving their own problems from television, music, and video games. This is what the documentary “The Mask You Live In”, is trying to address. It is on Netflix and it might be helpful if you watch it.

It is very important to take bullying very seriously these days. It is no longer just one kid calling another kid names. The bullying today occurs at school and may include threats of being killed and it goes beyond school. Now bullies can continue their bullying via text messages, emails, Facebook, Twitter, Instagram and Snapchat. So the bullying becomes non-stop. It can really make someone feel worthless and that they would be better off dead. One example of a child being overwhelmed by bullying is a 13 year old boy, on the east coast, who committed suicide because he could not tolerate the bullying any longer. The boy committed suicide to escape the bullying. He is not the first child to commit suicide due to bullying. One 15 year old girl committed suicide due to bullying and she left a note to be placed in her obituary. In the note she asked kids to be kind to each other. Some kids are turning to drugs and alcohol to numb the pain and we are seeing a significant number of accidental overdosages resulting in teenagers’ deaths. We assume they were accidents, they could also be suicides staged to look like accidents. Also suicide has recently been moved from the third leading cause of death for kids 10 to 18 years old to the second leading cause of death for kids. Therefore, if kids have been commuting suicide to escape bullying, the rate of bullying has most likely increased significantly.

Bullying is not just an elementary school issue. It occurs in High School and College too. A few years back a college student committed suicide because his roommate secretly filmed him in his dorm room with another guy having sex. When the tape was posted on the college’s email for others to see, the boy was so ashamed because he had not made it publicly known that he was gay. He was so upset and humiliated that he ended up committing suicide.

As the rates for bullying in middle schools increase so do the number of suicides and drug use increase. However, this issue also occurs in elementary school and elementary students are committing suicide or starting to use alcohol and marijuana. We know it is a very serious problem in Elementary schools because suicide it is no longer the third leading cause of death for 10 year old children. Suicide is now the second leading cause according to the CDC statistics. Also fifth graders are beginning to use alcohol and marijuana.

Additionally, I am seeing more and more elementary students in therapy because they are being bullied on line or at school as schools reopen. Many of these children are embarrassed because they feel they should be able to stop the bullying. They are also embarrassed and often don’t want me to tell their parents because they believe they must of done something to deserve being bullied. I explain to them they do not deserve it and they should not have to stop it on their own. I also explain that their parents would want to know so they can help them. I need to emphasize that Mom and Dad won’t blame you or be ashamed of you. It is amazing to see how relaxed these children become when I tell them this about their parents.

What should a parent do? One thing is parents should watch for the following warning signs that your child is a victim of a bully:

Avoiding activities they used to enjoy

Loss of friends or avoiding social situations

Problems sleeping

Complaining of stomachaches or headaches

Loss of appetite

Declining grades

Missing or damaged clothing or belongings

Self-destructive behaviors like running away from home

If you notice any of these or just have a sense something is wrong then talk to your child. However, when you talk to your child reassure them they did nothing wrong, there is nothing wrong with them and you are not upset or disappointed with them. Try to develop a game plan of how you are going to deal with it together and ask how you can be supportive. Also ask your child to promise you if they feel really sad like they want to hurt themselves that they will talk to you before they do anything. You may think this is ridiculous, but I use a no suicide contract with many children that I work with and they honor it. The contract lets them you know that you care about them and it is okay to talk about their feelings.

The other thing you can do as a parent is go to your child’s school and ask what is the school’s policy on bullying. You can also ask how the school watches for bullying, how is the policy enforced and what is being done to prevent bullying. You may ask the school to contact or you can volunteer to contact a group such as Challenge Day. This is an international organization that addresses bullying and they are located in Concord, California. I have seen their work and it is fantastic and kids love it.

Another thing you can do as a parent is start talking to your child about bullying on an occasional basis. This gives you a chance to let them know it’s not their fault and to develop a plan of action if it does occur. You should also discuss drugs and alcohol at the same time. I work with kids all day long and at times I am still shocked at how young kids are when they are starting to get involved with drugs and alcohol.

Keeping an open line of communication with your child is very important if you want them to come to you. Research still indicates that children are more likely to turn to their friends when they have a problem. This is good that they have this emotional support, but their friends don’t have the answers or solutions that they need. Remember it is best to speak to your child when you are in a calm environment and no one else, such as brothers or sisters, are around. Also remember the word HALT. It stands for:

Hungry

Angry

Lonely

Tired

If you sense your child is experiencing any of these feelings it is not a good time to talk. When you talk with your child you want it to be productive and for your child to feel like they are not being judged. Therefore, sometimes it is better to put off a conversation so you don’t end up in an argument. This is more likely to close the line of communication with your child.

I have mentioned several times that being bullied is not their fault. What I have seen from working with children who are bullies, abusive men and reviewing the research is that bullies really have very low self-esteem. In fact many times they lack a sense of themselves. The only way the feel important or alive is by putting someone else down. They do this because they are afraid the other kids might be able to figure out how lousy they feel about themselves. It is often said the best defense is a good offense. They hope that by acting like the big guy on campus that other people will see them as the big guy and they are able to keep their secret. Kids usually do this because it was done to them too.

Therefore, we need to remember the bully is usually a kid who has been abused too and is crying out for help. If we are going to stop the problem of bullying we need programs to help the bullies too. They are only repeating what they have been taught.

One last comment, I saw a school install a “buddy bench.” If anyone had been bullied, having a bad day, feeling lonely, all they had to do was sit on the buddy bench. Another student or teacher would then go over and ask how they could help. There was no shame associated if you sat on the buddy bench. It was presented as a brave choice. The school was using it as part of their program to stop bullying at school. This fantastic idea came from a 10 year old student. Children often have fantastic answers and we need to listen.

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with children and teenagers. He has over 20 years experience working with children and teens especially those who are victims of trauma. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website at http://www.rubinocounseling.com or his Facebook page at facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

Dealing with Mother’s Day When Many People are Grieving

Dealing with Mother’s Day When Many People are Grieving

Many people assume Mother’s Day is a happy day for people because they can honor their mother. However, this year for many people Mother’s Day maybe a very difficult day. We have many adults and children who maybe grieving the death of their mother or grandmother due to the Coronavirus. Additionally, due to the Coronavirus restrictions some people still may not be able to celebrate with their mother’s or grandmothers. Therefore, making it a sad day for them. Remember over 560,000 Americans have died due to the Coronavirus. Many people who died were mothers and grandmothers so there will be a lot of grieving families this Mother’s Day.

In addition to the Coronavirus, there are other reasons that Mothers Day maybe difficult for people and children. For some people their mother may have died when they were children. For some people their mother may have left them when they were children and they had to live in foster care. For others, their parents separated and their father raised them and they rarely or maybe never saw their mother. Therefore, Mother’s Day may not be a happy day. Also for children who were raised in foster care all their lives, today typically is a very difficult day.

While this may not be a happy day for adults, it also can be a very difficult day for children too. Some children may be dealing with the death of their mother. As I stated above, some children may have a mother who died from the Coronavirus or their mother may have left the family and are not involved with them any longer. Seeing television commercials or having other family members tell them that it still can be a good day can be difficult for them. Also if their school is making Mother’s Day gifts it can be difficult for children whose mothers have died or left the family.

I work with many of these children, I described above, in psychotherapy. Many don’t express their feeling, but they tend to deal with the emotional pain by acting out. They may be very oppositional during the week and the day as away to express their feelings. Other children may isolate and not want to be involved with anything having to do with Mother’s Day.

I have had parents ask me how they should handle Mother’s Day when a parent has passed away or left the family. They understand that it is a difficult day, but they do not know what to do in order to help their children.

My recommendation is let the child cope with the day in the way they need to. Try not to make an issue about the day. The other thing I recommend to a parent is to talk to their child. Acknowledge that Mother’s Day may be difficult but it is just one day. They may have a rough day today but tomorrow is another day. I also recommend to a parent, when a parent has passed away, to ask the child if there is anything they may want to do. A child may want to release a ballon with a note, they may want to visit the cemetery or they may want to do something for an aunt or another female role model in their life. If they do have an idea, go with what they want to do. If they don’t have an idea, let them know that is okay. If they come up with an idea then you can do it. If they do not have an idea, then remind them it’s just one day that you all need to get through and tomorrow will be better.

This approach can help children whose mother has left the family. Many children may believe their mother will return one day. Confronting this belief around Mother’s Day is not the time to confront it. However, if they have an idea regarding how they want to honor their mother, allow them to do it.

Hopefully this will help parents understand the issues their children may be dealing with on Mother’s Day and make it easier for everyone.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or on Facebook at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.