Good sleep is vital to teenagers mental health

Good sleep is vital to teenagers mental health

Parents are usually arguing with teenagers about how much sleep teenagers are getting and the quality of their sleep. Turns out that parents are right. Getting enough good quality sleep is vital to teenagers mental health.

Research has shown Sleep is necessary for good physical and mental health. This article outlines the benefits of getting enough good quality sleep. Teenagers may want to disagree bet the research is consistent on this fact.

Here is another study outlining the benefits of sleep. The Science of Sleep: 10 Surprising Health Benefits | Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-healthy-journey/202108/the-science-sleep-10-surprising-health-benefits.

Dr. Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information about his work visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/Drrubino3.

New Ways Children are being Sexually Abused Online

New Ways Children are being Sexually Abused Online

With Covid the trolls have had a lot of time to develop new ways to target teenagers and children. This article describes how children are being targeted and what parents can do to prevent it. The article provides resources for parents and victims https://gooseberryplanet.com/preventing-a-summer-of-abuse-limiting-ads-to-teens-more/

Lessons Simone Biles Taught Us About Mental Health

Lessons Simone Biles Taught Us About Mental Health

Mental health is a topic we tend to avoid in our society. It’s the “dirty little secret” people whisper about and will talk about behind someone’s back. Many people are afraid that if other people know they are feeling down or anxious that people will think they are crazy. Especially if a teenager is going to psychotherapy. They assume many people will think of them like the person living in the streets and talking to themselves. This is not reality. This negative stigma makes it difficult for adults to seek help for mental health issues. This negative stigma also makes it very difficult for children and teenagers to ask for help when they feel depressed or anxious. They are afraid their friends won’t understand and won’t want to be friends with them. They are also afraid their parents will think they are crazy and be disappointed with them. These ideas are incorrect, but if mental health is overwhelming for an adult, imagine how it can be for a child.

It is very important that children and teenagers do ask for help when they are experiencing mental health issues. The CDC estimates 1in 5 children need psychotherapy for a mental health issue. Furthermore, the CDC has stated that Suicide is an epidemic for children between the ages of 10 and 18 years old and is the second leading cause of death for kids 10 to 18 years old. Cutting, self-harming behaviors, are also now at an epidemic rate in children. Furthermore, since the pandemic has started we have seen a significant increase in the number of teenagers seeking therapy for depression, anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Additionally, since the pandemic we have seen a significant increase in teenagers overdosing on drugs. Before the pandemic anxiety, depression, suicidal ideations and overdosing on drugs were at alarming rates in teenagers too (CDC). Teenagers have been dealing with mental health issues for years and the number of teenagers needing therapy has been increasing every year (CDC).

This year at the Tokyo Olympics, Simone Biles, took a huge step forward in removing the stigma from mental health issues. Simone came into the Tokyo Olympics with everyone expecting her to win gold in every event. In addition to this pressure, during the pandemic she came forward to say she too had been sexually abused by the team doctor for years. This was a huge thing to do especially since the entire world would learn about it. She stated she did not retire and continued with the Tokyo Olympics to ensure that the Olympic committee takes steps to protect the younger girls in the program.

Simone was dealing with a lot and we do not know what else is occurring in her private life. She had posted some posts on social media stating she was feeling slightly overwhelmed but that was the extent of what she said publicly. To everyone’s surprise on the first night of the Women’s team competition, Simone suddenly drop out of the competition. She confirmed she was dealing with some emotional issues but that she was okay and would decide about the rest of the competition later. She finally decided to remove herself from competition completely.

After she removed herself from competition, she commented about the overwhelming support she received. It sounded like she was expecting criticism not support. Additionally, she commented it was the first time in her life that she realized there was more to her as a person than just gymnastics. Making this realization made her feel very good about herself in the statement she released.

Many parents are wondering what is the lesson to learn from what Simone did this week. As a psychotherapist, who works with teenagers and young adults, there are several lessons we can learn from Simone.

The first and in my opinion the most important lesson is that everyone deals with mental health issues daily and at times we may need to take a break or seek treatment. Simone handled her situation no differently than if she was having a medical issue such as tearing a ligament. She did not act ashamed not did people treat her like she was crazy. In fact, other competitors complimented her. They all have had struggles with mental health issues and they were happy and proud that Simone was taking care of herself and not acting embarrassed or ashamed that she had a mental health issue she needed help with. Therefore, the lesson is mental health is part of life and when you need help it’s okay to ask for help.

The next lesson is how people responded to her request. No one acted like she was crazy and the team coaches and her team mates were giving her the time and support she needed. Therefore, the second lesson is when a teenager asks for mental health help, we need to support them in getting the help they need without judging the person.

Another important lesson is that asking for help did not destroy how people reacted to her or her accomplishments. She is still a world class gymnastics star and she won a silver team medal at the Tokyo Olympics. Therefore, asking for help did not ruin her life. If you have a teenager who needs mental health help, reassure them that it will not ruin their life. Asking for mental health care is no different than asking for physical health care. Our mental health and physical health go hand in hand. This is another lesson Simone taught us. Mentally she needed help and therefore she was not physically capable of competing.

Providing support to someone is another lesson Simone taught us this week. Her teammates, coaches, family and friends offered support abs would check-in with her. No one walked away which many teenagers fear if they say they need mental health care. Her support system was there for her. They did not smother her, but if she needed their help they were there.

Also commentators had been wondering if something was wrong because she was not acting like herself. Therefore, if your teenager or friend is acting somewhat differently and you are concerned, don’t be afraid to ask if they are having a problem. Sometimes asking for help can be difficult especially when you are a teenager. Therefore, if your teenager or friend is acting differently, do not be afraid to ask if they need help.

Finally we often assume people who look like they have everything they want, cannot have problems in their lives. Simone Biles is one of the most decorated Olympians in gymnastics history and she is having problems. Kevin Love, a pro basketball player, suffered from panic attacks. Here are two athletes at the top of their games, but they still have mental health issues. Therefore, we all have mental health issues and need therapy at times and there is no reason to be embarrassed or ashamed. It is simply part of life.

I was researching this subject and the lessons Simone opened up this week and found a video by the Anna Freud Institute. It is called, “We all have mental health.” It is a short video directed at teenagers and middle school students. It discusses the issue in a very relaxed manner and provides teenagers with options for how they can talk about their own feelings. I encourage parents, teachers and anyone who deals with children to watch this video. You may want to watch it with your teen and begin a discussion about feelings. The link to the video is https://youtu.be/DxIDKZHW3-E.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience working with teenagers and children. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Does My Teenager want to talk?

Does My Teenager want to talk?

Teens often feel lonely & want help or want to just talk. However, it’s difficult for parents to know if their teen want their teen wants their attention Here are some helpful tips to help you know when your teen wants attention https://www.cnn.com/2021/07/26/health/teen-loneliness-tweens-parenting-wellness/index.html

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information about his work visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/Drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple

Helping Teenagers Get Enough Sleep

Helping Teenagers Get Enough Sleep

It’s getting close to the end of summer and for many teenagers will be returning to school soon. For most students they will be returning to their school sites. This means no more remote learning and students will need to be getting school on time in the mornings. In order to do so they need to get a good nights sleep. However, many parents have been reporting that with the remote schooling students were able to sleep in because school was starting later. As a result, many teenagers have developed poor sleep habits such as staying up later at night and taking naps during the day. Many parents are concerned how they are going to get their children and teenagers back to a health sleep pattern so they can function at school and get up on time for school.

I have had many parents asking me and emailing me regarding getting children and teenagers back on a healthy sleep pattern for school. Many parents are looking at this as an opportunity to get their children and teenagers on a healthy sleep pattern because their teenagers were never on a healthy sleep pattern to begin with. As a result I researched teenage sleep patterns and found some very good information from James Maas, PhD., who specializes in sleep patterns, and he wrote the book, Power Sleep for Success. According to Dr. Maas many teenagers are sleep deprived because beginning at puberty up until the age of 25 around midnight teenagers brains begin producing human growth hormones and reduces the amount of melatonin the brain produces. As a result, teenagers are not ready to sleep until 2am and their brains are ready to wake up at 11am. Dr. Maas refers to this as Chronic Delayed Phase Syndrome and states that every teenager suffers from it.

Since the amount of natural melatonin being produced in teenagers brains is reduced, many parents try providing their teenagers with melatonin supplements. The parents hope that by increasing the amount of melatonin in their teenagers brains with melatonin supplements that teenagers will be able to sleep easier. However, this may not be the case.

Dr. Maas has this to say about melatonin supplements. He states they are not the best way to get your sleep. First, 3 mg of melatonin is the maximum amount that an adult needs, and many over-the-counter formulations start at 5 mg. Some even go to as high as 10 or 12 mg. You are peeing away a lot of melatonin that your body doesn’t need and can’t process. It does work, but there are other options on the market that work just as well as melatonin or better: (1) lavender, either in tea or in a spray; and (2) valerian root. These two over-the-counter supplements actually have been clinically proven to have a sleep-inducing effect.

Dr. Maas has outlined several steps that teenagers can go through before trying to go to sleep. He believes that if children and teenagers follow these steps on a regular basis that it will help a teenager fall asleep. He also believes these steps will help teenagers get enough sleep so they are not sleep deprived and are ready for school the following day. Here are the steps Dr. Maas recommends that children and teenagers follow before their bedtime:

1. Take a warm bath or shower an hour before bed to relax and to signal to the brain that it’s time to begin to unwind.

2. Avoid eating food late at night that is likely to disturb your sleep: heavy, greasy, spicy, or difficult-to-digest foods like pizza, garlic, or anything really fatty. Instead try fruit (bananas or grapes) or lean protein such as tuna.

3. Get your homework done earlier in the afternoon or evening while you are still awake and alert. This will also reduce your stress if you don’t have so much homework to do in the evening close to bedtime.

4. Watch how you are spending your waking hours. Teenagers don’t typically have great time management skills. They can get caught up on social media or on their phones, which are a huge distraction and eat up that part of the day when you should be in study mode. Catch up on your social things after your homework is over.

We know that the amount of sleep that a child or teenager gets is related to how well they do in school, but it is associated with many more aspects of a teenager’s life. Dr. Maas noted that sleep is really the one thing that underlies all of good health. Good health refers to both physical and mental health. When you are getting enough sleep, stress goes down and immunity goes up. It’s linked to greater longevity and reduced risk of car accidents, cancers, and heart attacks. If teenagers could add just one more hour of sleep to their daily routine, they would find that they have a higher GPA, that their athletic skills are better, and that their social life and ability to manage stress and anxiety improve. Everything hinges on getting enough sleep. If I could tell teenagers one thing, it’s this: If you want to do well in school and on the athletic field, getting more sleep is the single best thing you can do. I have seen this in many teenagers that I see for psychotherapy. Additionally, most teenagers who are having difficulties with anxiety or suicidal thoughts are sleep deprived.

Therefore, parents it is important to make sleep an important issue with your children and and teenagers. If you explain to your children and teenagers why it should be a priority, you increase the probability that your children and teenagers will understand why sleep is important and will work with you to help them increase their amount of sleep especially as they try to adjust their schedules and lives to a post pandemic world.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children, teenagers, trauma victims and first responders. For more information about his work visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/Drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

Today’s Kids are Missing Out on Being Kids and Paying a Big Price

Today’s Kids are Missing Out on Being Kids and Paying a Big Price

What are we doing to our kids?” is a quote from Cameron Crowe, who wrote the movie Fast Times at Ridgemont High a movie from 1982. Cameron Crowe was discussing the movie with CNN for their special report on movies. He explained he went undercover in a high school as a high school senior to write the movie. He stated he was shocked at how sexually active these kids were in high school. He stated between the focus on sex and working, the kids were being denied their adolescence. They were going from kids to adults very quickly. Sadly what Cameron Crowne noticed in 1982 has continued and has only become worse.

Cameron Crowe was commenting on high school students in 1982. However, what he noticed occurring in high school in 1982 is now occurring in middle school today. In middle school today it is not uncommon for kids to be sexually active. In fact, many middle schools now provide condoms to sixth graders. In addition to sex, kids in middle school are using drugs. They are not just using marijuana. Many middle school students are using concerta, ecstasy and other designer drugs.

In addition to being sexually active and using drugs many middle school students are worrying about how much money they will make at their jobs. Kids are looking at different careers and thinking about how much they will get paid and what they will be able to afford. They wonder about, how big of a house or what type of car will they be able to afford as adults? Mr. Crowe’s observation was correct in 1982. However in 2021, kids are losing their childhood too early and they are losing their childhood earlier and earlier. In 1982 it was high school in 2019 it is occurring in middle school. When will it start occurring in fifth grade?

In addition to these factors, teens in middle school and high school have had to live through the pandemic and over a year of remote learning. Therefore, teenagers were forced to spend over a year at home by themselves and their main interaction with friends was by texting or gaming. As a result, many teenagers feel like they have lost a year of their lives that they will never get back and a year of exploring life with their friends. Many teenagers are reporting depression and anxiety due to the Coronavirus. Who can blame them because they have lost a year of their childhood that they cannot get back. How are kids going to react when they return to school full time?

Since I specialize in treating children and teenagers, I have had more children and teenagers reporting depression, anxiety and a sense of loneliness over this past year. Additionally, they are wondering how they should act when they return to school. Many of them are feeling disconnected and out of touch with their friends and other teenagers their age. In 2000, I was noticing this in a few teenagers now in 2021 a majority or teens and middle school students report feeling lonely and isolated and anxious. I am also beginning to hear this from fifth grade boys too. Besides loneliness increasing in middle school and high school, the number of kids feeling depressed is increasing significantly. It makes sense. Teenagers have lost a year of “normal” teenage life and no one knows what to expect when they return to school.

You may ask with their focus on friends and sex, how are they feeling lonely or isolated? With this focus on friends, sex, drugs and the future comes a great deal of competition. Everyone wants to look like they know exactly what they are doing. Therefore, they may be talking and texting each other, but they focus more on shallow issues. No one really opens up about their true fears and worries. As a result, they feel lonely and isolated. They also have missed a year of “normal, typical” experiences which help them mature.

A very good example of this are teenage boys. Most teenage boys are trying to live up to the outdated stereotype about what it takes to be a man. According to the stereotypes men don’t cry, don’t focus on emotions because they are weak and must be sexually active to be a man. There is a documentary, The Mask You Live In, which focuses on boys conforming to this outdated stereotype. Overwhelming the boys in the documentary reported feeling lonely and isolated. They shared they had no one who they could talk to when they felt overwhelmed or confused by life. They always had to have the right answer and they did not always what was the right answer. As a result, they made mistakes and they felt lonely not being able to ask for help. They felt like they had to hide their true feelings which makes them feel lonely.

Having a year with little to no personal contact with their friends only increases this feeling of isolation and loneliness. Since teenagers try not to act like they need help, they are experiencing more feelings of anxiety and depression. The CDC has documented a significant increase in the number of teenagers coping with depression and anxiety since the beginning of the pandemic.

Texting and online gaming have increased as a way for teenagers to feel a connection with their friends. Many parents worry about their teenagers texting or gaming, but if it provides a sense of connection with their friends and the world, I have recommended to parents to adjust their rules regarding these behaviors during the pandemic. Teenagers need a way to feel connected to others. Without this sense of connection during the pandemic, we see an increase in the number of teenagers committing suicide or overdosing on drugs.

Another aspect to teenage boys and girls feeling lonely, isolated, depressed and anxious is that they tend to close themselves off emotionally. As a result, they do not know if anyone cares about them. They never know if someone loves them. This can create major issues for teens. In the Disney movie Frozen, they point out how people will act out in pain and make mistakes when they don’t feel loved or cared for by people. The movie also points out how opening yourself up so you can feel love will help people change and make better choices. The lead character, Elsa, when she felt lonely and afraid could not control her power and it only caused destruction. When she finally opened herself up and saw she could be loved she discovered the good her powers could do. When she was afraid she isolated and when she felt loved she opened up and interacted with others. I see this happen daily with teens. When they feel no one cares, they isolate themselves and say hurtful things to keep themselves isolated. When they discover people care, they allow themselves to open up and start to share their true feelings and interact with others. They are very happy and surprised when they make this discovery.

In 1982 the world was much easier. In today’s world things are moving fast and make it easy for people to isolate by texting or using social media to communicate. In addition, teenagers are living through a pandemic and political climate that has changed how we communicate and view the world and each other. As a result, teenage boys and girls feel pressure to outdated stereotypes about men and women. There are few people telling teens they don’t need to follow these stereotypes. We also need to set examples about communication. Adults need to not text so much and rely on social media enough. Parents need to take time talking with their children as soon as they are born. Technology can be a great thing but it is making many people feel lonely and isolated. Teens as well as adults. We need to study technology and look at how it is impacting our lives and the lives of our children. One thing for sure, I have seen technology increasing the amount of teens feeling lonely and depressed. We don’t want our kids to lose out on their childhood. Therefore, we need to study the impact technology has on us and teach our children how to use it responsibly. Also we need to teach teenage boys and girls that they don’t need to live up to the outdated stereotypes about men and women. We need to encourage our kids to be themselves and to accept themselves.

Additionally, teenagers today are the only teenagers in recent history who have had to cope with daily mass shootings and a pandemic which has killed over 600,000 Americans. We need to look at all these issues and help our children and teenagers cope with the world they have to live in. Hopefully this will help our children reclaim their childhood and be kids.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

Look at the World Today and Teenagers are Acting Normal

Look at the World Today and Teenagers are Acting Normal

Many teenagers and children are reporting increased symptoms of depression and anxiety and being afraid to go outside (CDC). They are also reporting feeling nervous about the future of the world and they feel they are living in chaos right now. They are not sure who to believe at times and they are confused about what is happening in our Country. They are not the only ones feeling this way. Many adults are having the same feelings. If we stop and look around, anyone would be worried and concerned about the future and their safety.

As of today, June 20, 2021, there have been 272 mass shootings and as I am writing this that number is wrong because there was another mass shooting in Oakland, California a couple hours ago. According to the statistics by Gun Violence Archives, 8100 people have been shot so far in 2021 and 54 people a day are killed by guns. According to the Gun Violence Archives in 2019 there were only 164 mass shootings by this time in 2019. This means we have seen a 65% increase in mass shootings in 2021.

In addition, we are seeing other gun violence too. A woman was shot at her job because she asked a customer to wear his mask. Children as young as 6 years old and 4 months have been victims of road rage or drive by shootings. Every day children and teenagers are hearing about more and more people who were shot and died. Why shouldn’t children and teenagers be experiencing more anxiety, depression and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. They are living in a war zone. They children in Israel and the Middle East are safer from gun violence (Gun Violence Archives). This is the United States! This is insane that we are dealing with so much gun violence. It has become a Public Health issue. However, as we see gun violence increasing, the governor of Texas is allowing people to carry guns without having to get a permit. This makes no sense!

In addition to the gun violence, our government is in chaos. We still have people stating Trump won the Presidential Election even though all 50 states have certified that he lost and furthermore the US Supreme Court has certified the election was valid and Trump lost. However, we have Senators blaming the FBI for stealing the election from Trump and they are blaming the FBI for the attack on the US Capital Building. This is confusing and makes people worry about the future of our Nation.

On January 6th, Trump supporters tried to over through our Government. Some Senators claim it was a peaceful protest. However, videos released this week show Trump supporters attacking the US Capital Police and screaming that they were going to hang the Vice President. Two officers were killed and several others have since died from their wounds or have committed suicide due to PTSD. These officers saved our Country, yet some Senators state it was a peaceful protest and they refused to grant the officers the Congressional Gold Medal and they have refused to authorize a committee to investigate this attack on our Nation. This is an insult to the US Capital Police and it leaves our Country at risk for another mass of protestors to attack our Country. Numerous Congressmen and Senators who have told the truth about that day and the election have received numerous death threats and need additional security to ensure their safety and lives.

In addition to all this chaos, we have been dealing with a extremely deadly virus for the last year. Children and teenagers have not been able to go to school, see friends and many have had numerous deaths in their families. Over 540,000 Americans have died from the Coronavirus Pandemic. We now have vaccinations which will help stop the spread of this virus, however some people are refusing to get vaccinated due to bizarre theories by Qanon and there is no scientific evidence to back up any of their reasons. Also some people are claiming we have beat the Coronavirus. We have not beat the virus! The strain coming from India is much more dangerous and lethal. The vaccines can help stop the spread of this strain and stop further mutations. Remember children under 12 have not been vaccinated yet. Therefore, children are at risk of being attacked by this new strain. Despite what people say, children do get the Coronavirus and they are at risk of developing a rare condition where their immune systems attack their bodies. Children have died from the Coronavirus and more will die this winter if we refuse to get vaccinated and allow the virus to spread.

People may think children and teenagers are not aware of these issues but they are very aware of these issues. They can see the pop ups on their cellphones, iPads and laptops. They are searching the internet about all the chaos that is occurring in our Country. During their sessions I have had children and teenagers discussing all of these issues because they are worried about their safety and the safety of their families. Many children and teenagers have lost loved ones due to the Coronavirus or gun violence and they do not want to lose more family members. Furthermore, they are looking at the fact that we cannot keep order in our Country and questioning how are we going to keep them safe. As a result, many children and teenagers are suffering from depression, anxiety, trauma and some do not want to leave their homes. How can we blame them?

There is nothing wrong with children and teenagers today who are reacting to the chaos they are being forced to live in. They are perfectly sane and having sane reactions. The inappropriate reactions are coming from adults who refuse to stand up and demand that our Government acts and acts quickly. When we allow these shootings or people to disrespect someone because they are telling someone they need to wear a mask or we do nothing to stop the hate crimes against Asians, Jewish people and Transgender people, we are part of the problem. Anytime we see someone being disrespectful or spreading these insane theories we must speak up. We must speak up so our children and teenagers have a chance of feeling safe and not being killed by a gun. Children and teenagers are not over reacting. Adults are under reacting and not holding our elected officials responsible for not acting. Adults are responsible for not setting an example in public and treating everyone with the dignity they deserve. We are all people and everyone deserves to be treated with dignity and respect not hate or punished because they will not lie for people who choose to believe in and follow a narcissistic man who only caress about himself. The choice is yours do you want your children and teenagers to feel safe or to live in fear and believe there is no hope for the future.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers and trauma victims including first responders. For more information about his work visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify and Apple.

Helping Kids Cope with Today’s World

Helping Kids Cope with Today’s World

We are expecting children and teenagers to cope with and adjust to a a number of teenagers. One main issue is the pandemic and Coronavirus. They have had to deal with remote learning and then all of a sudden they are expected to go back to school. In addition to the changes in school many teenagers are dealing with the deaths of parents, grandparents and other people close to them. In addition they were locked in their houses for a year without being able to see friends. This is a lot for children and teenagers to adjust to.

Now we are starting to reopen the Country and children and teenagers again have to cope with mass shootings again. Therefore, they are dealing with more people dying and afraid that they may be killed too. As of today, June 13th, there have been 270 Nass shootings. This is a significant increase from 2019. We have experienced a 65% increase in Nass shootings since 2019 and the year is only half over (Gun Violence Archive).

Teenagers and children are also seeing a tremendous increase in violence in our Country. Hate crimes against Asian Americans have increased significantly and so have hate crimes against people who are Jewish (CDC). In addition there is violence occurring around people having to wear face masks in certain situation. A flight attendant on Southwest Airlines had her front teeth punched out of her mouth by a passenger because she asked him to wear a masks. Besides people arguing about face masks, they are arguing about the Coronavirus vaccinations which ever Public Health Professional states we need to overcome this pandemic. However, we are hearing people purpose crazy ideas such as the vaccinations will make you magnetic and Bill Gates has placed mico chips in the vaccines. The pandemic is scary enough without people making up insane conspiracies that may scare children.

Add to these issues such things as the violent attack on the US Capital Building and we have children and teenagers living in a chaotic environment. To add to the pressure we are expecting children and teenagers to simply adjust to all the chaos. We expect them to ignore it and go on like nothing has changed. Children and teenagers are expected to be able to achieve at school and not act out due to the chaos in their lives.

It’s not realistic and it’s not happening. There is a significant increase in the number of teenagers and children reporting anxiety disorders and depression. Additionally, we have seen an increase in the number of teenagers committing suicide and dying from drug overdoses. Teenagers and children are desperately looking for a peaceful environment. In my office we have seen an increase by a factor of 20 of teenagers and children seeking therapy due to the chaos. We must provide teenagers and children with mental health care and sane gun laws to help them cope with this chaos they are experiencing.

I have included a link to an article which provides suggestions parents can try to help their children and teenagers cope with the chaos we are living in currently. https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/57946/striving-or-thriving-steps-to-help-kids-find-balance-and-purpose.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers and trauma victims. For more information regarding his work visit his website http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

Teenagers Learn About Life by Making Mistakes

Teenagers Learn About Life by Making Mistakes

Dealing with teenagers, at times, can be very difficult for parents, especially when teenagers think they have all the answers. In my experience as a psychotherapist who has been working with teenagers as for over 20 years, I am a strong believer in allowing teenagers to learn from their mistakes. When they make mistakes there are consequences that follow these mistakes. From my experience, teenagers need to be allowed to make mistakes and learn from the consequences. I know some parents try to warn their teenagers about potential mistakes. However, many teenagers feel they know more than you. Therefore, allowing them to make mistakes is the only way some teenagers learn that their actions have considered .

As I just stated, teenagers being allowed to make mistakes helps to teach teenagers that their actions have consequences. They also put responsibility for the mistake on to the teenager. Therefore, they cannot blame parents or teachers for their mistakes. They have to deal with the consequences of the choices they made. They cannot blame you because they made the choice not you.

As a way to help teenagers learn from their mistakes is to set up a behavior contract. A written contract which specifies the consequences for your teenager when they make a mistake saves a lot of arguments. A written construct signed by you and your teenagers which spells out their consequences, if they make a mistake or poor decision can save you and your teenager a lot of arguments. Also it helps your teenager to take responsibility for their actions because the contact focuses on their choices only.

While I believe contracts and consequences work well with teenagers, some parents have difficulties. I often hear from parents that their teenager doesn’t care about the consequences or the contract. The parents find this very frustrating. Therefore, I have listed below suggestions that can help you improve the odds of a contract and consequences working with your teenager.

1. Use Consequences That Have Meaning

It’s almost never effective to give your child a consequence in the heat of an argument. Often, parents will be either too harsh or too lenient, because nothing appropriate comes to mind immediately. I advise parents to sit down and write a Consequences List and then discuss it with your teenager. If they are included in the process, the likelihood of success is higher. When compiling a list of consequences, remember that you want the consequence to be things that will get your teenagers attention, because you want your child to learn from the consequences. If, like most teens, your teenager acts like they cannot live without their cellphone, don’t hesitate to use losing use of their cellphone as a consequence. It’s also important to think about what you want him to learn—and this lesson should be attached to the consequence. So let’s say your teenager swears at his younger siblings all the time. Obviously you want him to stop swearing and use more appropriate language. Therefore, an effective consequence would be that he would lose his cellphone for 2 days. This gives him time to think about other ways he can handle his behavior. You may even try talking with him about other ways to handle himself instead of swearing.

2. Don’t Try to Appeal to Charge A Teenager’s Behavior with Speeches

Yes as a parent you are trying to teach and educate your teenager about how to act and treat others as adults so they can function in the world. However, remember your teenager thinks they know everything about today’s world and you are out of touch with today’s world. Therefore, if you try lecturing or speeches, they automatically tune you out and don’t listen to what you are saying. When everything is calm, you might try mentioning to them that you would like to talk with them. An informal conversation, especially with boys, tends to be more effective than a lecture.

3. Make Consequences Black and White

When you give a consequence, the simpler you keep things, the better. Again, you don’t want to get into legalese or long speeches. What you want to do is lay out your consequences for your teenager’s inappropriate behavior very clearly. It’s often helpful if he knows ahead of time what will happen when he acts out. Just like there are speeding signs on the highway, the consequences for your teenager’s behavior should be clear to him. Therefore, using a contract allows you to make it clear to your teenager if they make this choice then here is the consequence. Also by having them sign the contract, they cannot say they were not aware of the rules. Also it removes you as the bad guy. You are not imposing a punishment, you are simply complying with the contact that you made with your teenager. I often point out to teenagers that the contract is an insurance policy for them. If they make a mistake, their parents have to stick with the contract. Therefore, if their parents were really upset at the moment and wanted to remove their cellphone for ever, but the contract only states a week, their parents have to go with the week. This often helps with getting teenagers to accept the contract.

4. Have Problem-Solving Conversations

I think it’s vitally important to have problem-solving conversations with your teenager after an incident has occurred. Obviously, you want to wait until everyone is calm. When everyone has settled down then try a conversation about what they can do differently or help they can ask for if a similar situation occurs and this may help them avoid making a mistake and getting into trouble again in the future.

Conversations like these are how you get your teenager to think about alternative solutions to problems which can help them make better choices. Also reminding them that they can ask for help can be a tremendous help. Often teenagers think that they must solve all their problems on their own. Teenagers, especially boys, look at asking for help as a sign of weakness. It is helpful to remind them that no one has all the answers and at times the mature thing to do is to ask for help. Therefore, asking for help is not always a sign of weakness.

5. Don’t Get Sucked into an Argument over Consequences

Don’t take the bait every time your teenager is trying to argue with you. Most teenagers verbal skills are not fully developed. However, most teenagers know if they can get you into an argument that the original topic will get lost and you end up arguing about something else. It’s not that teenagers have this planned out in their heads, but as I said their verbal skills are not fully developed. Therefore, they feel more comfortable in an argument because those skills are developed and they have some idea how to handle the situation. Therefore, if you are getting pulled into an argument call a time out and say you prefer to discuss the issue when you are both calm. This will surprise them and hopefully cause them to think about the situation.

6. Don’t Teach Your Child How to “Do Time”

Many parents get frustrated and ground their kids for long periods of time in order to make the punishment stick. Personally, I think that’s a mistake. If you simply ground your child, you’re teaching him nothing. But if you ground him until he accomplishes certain things, you can increase the effectiveness of the consequence. So if your teenager loses his video game privileges for 24 hours, he should be doing something within that time frame that helps him improve his behavior. Simply grounding him from his video games for a week will just teach him how to wait until he can get them back. He is not learning anything about the mistake he made and he is also learning nothing about how he could have handled the situation differently. Again, we want consequences to be learning experiences. A consequence that doesn’t fit the crime will just seem meaningless to your child, and won’t get you the desired result. Remember, you don’t want to be so punitive that your child simply gives up. That will never translate to better behavior.

7. Engage Your Child’s Self-interest

Learn to ask questions in ways that appeal to your child’s self-interest. So for example, you might say, “What are you going to do the next time you think Dad is being unfair so you won’t get into trouble?” In other words, you’re trying to engage his self-interest. If your child is a teenager, he won’t care about how Dad feels. Adolescents are frequently very detached from that set of feelings. They might feel guilty and say they’re sorry later, but you’ll see the behavior happen again. So learn to appeal to their self- interest, and ask the question, “What can you do so you don’t get in trouble next time?”

8. How Will I Know If a Consequence Is Working?

Parents often say to me, “My child acts like he doesn’t care. So how do I know if the consequence I’m giving him is actually working?” I always tell them, “It’s simple—you’ll know it’s working because he’s being held accountable.” Accountability gives you the best chance for change.

9. Some Things Should Never Be Used as Consequences

In my opinion, there are certain things that should never be taken away from kids. For instance, you should never prohibit your child from going to the prom. Not ever. That’s a milestone in your child’s life; personally, I think that milestones should not be taken away. Your child is not going to learn anything from that experience. Unless the mistake was so big such as robbing someone then you may need to go that far. I recommend using your own judgment regarding how your teenager acts before making this a consequence.

The same approach should be taken for sport. Teenagers can learn a great deal from sports. However, if they make a severe mistake missing a practice or a game maybe an appropriate consequence. However, removing them from the team all together maybe a mistake. However, remember the coach has the ultimate power over his players. Many teams have a code of conduct that players must follow. Therefore, if they violate the coaches rules, they maybe removed from the team. This will impact them more than if you did it.

10. Don’t Show Disgust or Disdain

When giving consequences to your teenager, you need to be consistent and firm, but don’t show disgust or disdain. If you are attacking them as a person, their sense of self is not fully developed yet. As a result, you may inflict a wound to their self-esteem that may cause more problems than you intended. You are trying to raise someone who can function as a healthy adult, not somebody who feels they’re a constant disappointment to you. It’s very important to shape your behavior so that your child knows you’re not taking his mistakes personally. Remember, the look on your face and the tone of your voice communicates a lot more to your child than your words do. Positive regard is critical for getting your message across.

It’s important to remember that life is very tough for many teenagers, especially with Nass shootings and the Coronavirus. Going to school is difficult, both academically and socially, and there is tremendous pressure on children and teens to perform today. Personally, We need to remember that and teenagers should be recognized and respected for what they have to deal with in today’s world. Think of it this way: what you’re really trying to do is work on your child’s behavior to get him to try to do different things. So if your child misbehaves and you ground him from everything indefinitely, you’re losing sight of all the other things he did right—and he will, too.

Consequences have shown to be an effective way to help teenagers learn what is appropriate and not appropriate. It is an approach I strongly believe in. Hopefully these tips will help you use consequences effectively with your teenager.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 20 years experience working as a psychotherapist with children and teenagers. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

How Many Children and Adults have to Die before We Act?

How Many Children and Adults have to Die before We Act?

During the past several months there has been a significant increase in mass shootings and people being killed by guns. We just had another mass shooting today in San Jose, California and 8 people were killed. Additionally, This past weekend over 250 people were killed by guns. The weekend before there were approximately 200 people killed in mass shooting or by a gun. Additionally, I hear many children and teens talking about their safety at school and around town while they are playing or hanging out. Many teenagers seem to believe if they have a gun that will keep them safe. While researching this issue of gun violence, I read an article by Cody Fenwick regarding children and gun violence. His article was very alarming. Since there has been a significant increase in mass shootings Therefore, it seems appropriate to address the issue of guns because they are a popular method of suicide and they can be used to bully kids too. In addition teenagers who cannot tolerate the bullying they have to endure every day often use a gun as their method of suicide. Some may use a gun to act out their frustrations too.

Many of us feel because we live in Pleasant Hill, Walnut Creek, Lafayette or Orinda that our children and teenagers do not have to worry about gangs or gun violence. Unfortunately, this is not the truth. According to a new research study in the Journal of Pediatrics, guns continue to be the third-leading cause of death for Americans younger than 18 years old, killing around 1,300 children and teenagers a year in the United States. In addition, almost 6,000 children and teenagers are injured per year by guns. Many teenagers are permanently disabled from these injuries. For teenagers who commit suicide, guns are the second-leading cause of death. The CDC has recently moved suicide as the third-leading cause of death for teenagers to the second-leading cause of death. This is a scary fact that the rate of teenage suicides are increasing not decreasing.

The study in the Journal of Pediatrics examined data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention and the Consumer Product Safety Commission between 2002 and 2014. The study found that boys, especially older boys such as teenagers and minorities, were much more likely to be the victims of gun violence. The study did not say anything about where the boys lived. The facts are children who are male and teenagers, are at a higher risk for becoming a victim of gun violence regardless of where they live. Therefore, teenagers in our area are at risk of becoming a victim of gun violence.

The study does indicate there has been a decrease in accidental deaths such as boys cleaning a gun. However, the rate as a method for suicide has increased. I have mentioned before that suicide is no longer the third leading cause of death for 10 year old boys. It is now the second leading cause of death for boys 10 to 18 years old. This study confirms that statistic and indicates the preferred method of suicide for boys and teenagers are guns. According to Katherine Fowler, one of the lead researchers at the CDC, “Firearm injuries are an important public health problem, contributing substantially to premature death and disability of children.” Understanding their nature [guns] and impact is a first step toward prevention.”

When we look at these numbers, can anyone argue against taking steps to protect our children? Can you imagine a 10 year old boy using a gun to kill himself? Can you imagine a 10 year old boy feeling that his life is so bad at the age of ten that death seems like a better option than living? At the age of 10, he has given up hope for a decent life. This is a sad fact.

The study also indicates that in recent years guns were responsible for a large number of adolescent, males who were murdered. The study documented that deaths in the category of murder for boys under the age of 18 years old decreased to 53 percent. This is a decrease yet the rate is still 53%. The other causes of gun-related deaths include:

• 38 percent — suicides

• 6 percent — unintentional deaths

• 3 percent — law enforcement/undetermined cause

The study found 82% of deaths by guns were boys. This means 82% of gun deaths were boys who were children or teenagers. Putting it another way, this means these boys were not even 18 years old yet at the time of their deaths. The study also found that white and American Indian children have the highest rate of suicide using a gun.

We also like to think that the United States in one of the most advanced nations in the world. However, the statistics show that the United States has the highest rate in the world for children under 14 years old committing suicide. Again, the United States has the highest rate of children under 14 years old using a gun to commit suicide. That number scares me and is appalling to me. However, as an adolescent and child psychotherapist, I do not doubt it. I have heard 6 year old boys seriously discussing suicide.

Furthermore, I hear teenagers routinely talking about needing to carry a knife or gun with them for protection. They tell me you never know when you will be jumped or there will be a mass shooting and you need to be able to protect yourself. In fact, a few years ago a teenager was shot on his front door step in Danville over a marijuana deal which went bad. When I mention to teens the risks they are taking, they tell me there is no guarantee they will live until 30 years old anyway. They would rather die protecting themselves than doing nothing.

As a society, we need to look at these numbers and ask ourselves some questions. What are we going to do in order to improve gun safety? How are adolescent boys getting access to guns? Most importantly, why are children as young as 6 years old thinking about suicide? Also what are we going to do so that children who are suicidal have access to mental health care? This is our problem because it does happen in Pleasant Hill, Walnut Creek, Lafayette, Orinda and Danville.

Finally, we are only in the month of May and the number of Americans killed to date is more than in 2019 (CDC). We are seeing mass shootings increase, violence against Asian Americans and Jewish Americans and police killings. What is happening in the United States? We are the only Country in the world dealing with mass shootings. However, we claim to be the most advanced nation in the world. Maybe Congress needs to look at these numbers and think about their actions. Denying the attack on the US Capital was not violent is crazy. We have videos of people assaulting the Capital Police and demanding to hang the Vice President. The Republicans in the House of Representatives remove Represetative Cheney from her leadership post because she won’t lie and say that Biden did not win the Presidential Election. Finally, you have a Republican representative comparing the requirement to wear masks in the House Chambers because everyone in the House of Representatives is not vaccinated to the Holocaust and the Republican Party does nothing. Someone who speaks the truth is removed and someone who makes racist, homophobic and anti Semitic statements is praised. This may be one part of the issue. We need to support people who are treating other people appropriately and we need to speak out and refuse to allow people who are treating people like garbage to continue to be allowed to treat people like garbage.

Dr. Rubino has 20 years experience as a psychotherapist working with children and teenagers. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.