Middle School in the Year 2022

Middle School in the Year 2022

The school year is beginning and many parents are focused on their children’s transition into High School, College or Kindergarten. However, there is another important transition for children, Middle School. This is a major transition for pre-adolescents. As a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, I am very familiar with what is happening on High School and Middle School campuses and how big the transition is into Middle School these days. When kids transition to middle school they have to adjust to changing classes, having more than one teacher, increased homework and they are starting puberty and unsure of themselves. They are also not sure about all the academic changes. In addition to academic changes, physical changes with their own bodies, there are all the new social issues. Friends become more important and some students are talking about girlfriends, boyfriends and sex. This is a lot to adjust to at age 11. This is why we are seeing a significant increase in the number of middle school students being diagnosed with depression and anxiety disorders (CDC) In addition to all of these changes, there are all the stories they have heard about middle school. This only increases the stress and anxiety that middle school students in 2022 are feeling.

Many parents assume middle school in 2022 is similar to when they attended middle school, however the middle school in 2022 is very different than the middle school most parents attended. One example, when I ask parents, who have a child going into middle school or a child in middle school, if they have spoken to their child about drugs, alcohol and sex, I am told no and parents are surprised I asked this question about middle school students. I hear parents say every day that they don’t need to worry about drugs, alcohol or sex with their child in middle school because their child is too young for that right now. Well the reality is that Middle School Students in 2022 are drinking, using drugs and having sex. Many parents are unaware of what is happening in Middle Schools these days. Drugs and alcohol are just the tip of the iceberg. Children that are in the age group of middle school are now involved numerous dangerous activities such as selling drugs.

To begin with, most middle school campuses are better pharmacies than your pharmacy. I have had middle school kids say they can get Vicodin, Concerta, Ecstasy and of course weed and alcohol on their school campus. Some kids use at school and some use after school and on the weekends. More and more middle school kids are deciding to experiment with drugs and alcohol due to the pressure to feel successful as a teenager and so they fit in with friends. They also feel overwhelmed by the school shootings and the pandemic and they are looking for an escape. They see other kids at school using and they want to be part of the popular group so they think about and often try drinking or vaping.

Also many middle school kids are sexually active, but they don’t think they are sexually active. They think because they are not engaging in intercourse that they are not sexual active. Most 6th graders tell me oral sex doesn’t count as being sexually active. The kids say they are just “messing around” with each other and do not consider this sex. They also have no idea about sexually transmitted diseases or how to protect themselves from contracting STDs or getting pregnant. However, the number of middle school kids engaging in oral sex and intercourse has increased significantly over the last few years. The rate is now high enough that some middle schools, such as the San Francisco School District, are disrupting condoms to middle school kids. Yes, Middle Schools are giving condoms to children in the sixth grade. These kids are only 11 years old.

Another common issue in middle school is bullying. However, we are not just talking about one kid teasing another kid at school anymore. Today there is for a group of kids teasing one kid and it is not just at school. Now kids are using Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and texting by cellphone to tease and harass other kids. As many of you may recall there have been a number of kids who have committed suicide due to the teasing occurring at school. I wrote an article about a middle school girl who committed suicide and in her obituary she left a note to the other students just asking them to be nice to each other.

Another issue with teasing and dating is that students are not aware of the laws. As a result, many middle school students find themselves in trouble with the school district and often the police too. Harassment in middle school and dating often involves students texting or emailing pictures. Students are not aware that if they text a nude photo of another student or themselves that they have violated child pornography laws. Something many parents and students are not aware of is that a child can be charged with violating child pornography laws. When a child texts a nude photo of a middle school student, who is under 18 years old, it violates child pornography laws and the child who texts it and received it can both be arrested. The law is violated because the child in the photo is under 18 years old.

Also many kids in middle school, especially boys, don’t feel safe and are afraid of someone trying to beat them up before or after school. They say they have to fight because other kids are recording it and posting it on YouTube. Boys are bragging about their fights on YouTube and comparing how many people have watched their fight with their friend’s fight. Therefore, boys feel they must fight, otherwise if they don’t fight the other kids will think they are a “whimp.” Due to this fear many middle school students carry knives, metal pipes, guns or anything they can think of to protect themselves. This is very sad that kids have to live in fear for their lives and for safety reasons many middle schools have metal detectors. The number of mass shootings at schools and the mass shooting drills they do at school exacerbate this fear. It’s sad that a place they should feel safe in that students now are afraid for their lives. Also parents and students don’t realize, if a student is caught with any of these items on campus, they can be removed from their entire school district and required to go to continuation school. In addition, the school can have the student arrested. Due to mass shootings, schools take anyone possessing items that can severely hurt someone very seriously.

These are just a few of the issues that are occurring at all middle schools and they are very serious. Your child is not going to come to you to ask about these issues or tell you about them because they feel embarrassed and they are afraid of getting in to trouble. So parents even though you may feel embarrassed or awkward discussing these issues with your 11 year-old child, please do so. If you notice anything about your child’s behavior that seems different to you and you feel a sense of concern, ask your child about what is happening at school and with friends. Mention they are getting older and as a result the issues in their lives are becoming more difficult. Therefore, when you talk to your pre-teen mention drinking, sex or being teased and ask if they need to talk about it and they can talk about it anytime they need to. You may be saving their lives because they are dealing with things they know nothing about and these things can kill or have life long effects.

Here is a YouTube video that might help:

Life Talk | PSA: This could be your child (Teen drinking, alcohol,partying,peer pressure)

Dr Michael Rubino is an expert dealing with adolescents and adolescent issues. He has over 25 years experience treating children, adolescents, trauma victims and first responders. For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino’s work visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/Drrubino3.

Facts about Attending High School in 2022

Facts about Attending High School in 2022

All over the Country teenagers will be starting their first year in high school or returning to high school. Typically I would recommend that parents think back to their first day of high school and how they felt and what they were expecting high school to be like and how they were expecting there other kids to act. I did this to help parents relate to some of the feelings their teenager maybe having as a way for parents to help their teenagers starting high school. This may help parents with some of the issues facing their teenagers, but teenagers starting high school or resuming high school in 2022 do so with mass school shootings occurring on a regular basis and we are still dealing with a deadly pandemic. Therefore, high school students are facing additional issues besides the typical first day of school issues. They are facing life and death issues, we never had to face in high school. Additionally, they see that the government is doing very little to protect from gun violence. Therefore, today’s teenagers are facing overwhelming issues we never had to face when we went to high school. This can make it difficult for parents to be able to completely understand the feelings teenagers and having starting high school.

High school students, in fact all students, are starting school when there is a significant increase in the Coronavirus due another new variant. As a result, many people including teenagers are contracting the virus (CDC). The number of people contracting the virus is similar to the numbers we were seeing a year ago (CDC).

Therefore, high school students are starting high school not knowing if they will or will not contact the virus. Yes there are vaccinations they can get and they can wear masks, all of which decreases their chances of getting the virus, but some governors, school boards and parents are refusing these options. People are objecting because they say the precautions are not necessary and do not work. However, teens are hearing that the virus is spreading rapidly in most counties in the country. In fact, some counties such as Los Angeles County and considering returning to indoor mask mandates (LA County Public Health). Having to keep up with homework and after school activities, such as sports, is a lot for most teenagers without having to worry about the pandemic. Teenagers are worried about it because I hear them tell me about their concerns and some students would prefer to go back to remote learning due to the threat posed by the virus.

In addition to worrying about contracting the virus, students return to school having to deal with mass shootings. According to the Gun Violence Archives, there has been more than one mass shooting a day so far this year. The Gun Violence Archives also report there has been a 50% increase in mass shootings since 2020. Unfortunately, the recent shooting at the school in Texas showed we have not improved how we handle these shootings. The police waited outside for 77 minutes while children and teachers bled to death. Since most teenagers have smartphones, they have access to all of this information. They know the number of shootings are increasing, police are not handling the situations and the government refuses to pass laws that can have a real impact on gun violence. They also see the news that the mass shootings are a problem for the United States and they seldom occur in other countries. Given this environment, it is no surprise that we are seeing a significant increase in depression and anxiety disorders in teenagers (CDC). Teenagers today are not crazy and do not live in a fantasy world. They have access to the news very easily and they are very aware about what is occurring in our Country. Based on what the see and the lack of help by the government feeling anxious and depressed is a normal response.

One other issue, besides worrying about contracting the virus and mass shootings, students have missed an entire year of high school. Therefore, students who are sophomores never had a freshman year and have no idea what to expect. Teenagers who were enjoying their high school experience have missed out on an entire year. Therefore, students starting high school and returning to high school in 2022 are doing so facing many issues that students usually never face. For example, the main issue is adjusting from remote learning to being back in the class. Their school days are longer, they have more homework and they are around more people. This is not a simple adjustment. As a result of all the issues we have seen a significant increase in depression and anxiety in high school students (CDC).

Parents hopefully you can remember everything teenagers and you are facing as your teenagers start high school. You may need to contact your teenager’s school and ask for assistance from the school. You may need to seek out a psychotherapist who specializes in treating teenagers and have your teenager participate in psychotherapy. There is no shame in doing this because teenagers are facing tremendous mental health issues and many need help. Since the pandemic and school resuming, there has been a significant increase in the number of teenagers needing psychotherapy (CDC). In fact we are running out of psychotherapist who are able to treat these teenagers. No one planned on how to adequately handle the number of teenagers needing psychotherapy due to the pandemic.

Parents all you can do is to be patient and listen to your teenagers and seek the help you feel is appropriate. Also do not forget yourselves. Parents are under a great deal of stress too and you may need psychotherapy too. If you try to work together and are patient with each other, you should be able to handle the stress teenagers are facing due to the pandemic.

In addition to the pandemic, students starting high school still deal with common anxieties most teenagers have faced over the years. One common stressor for many teenagers are the stories they have heard about how seniors picking on and teasing the freshman students. Another common fear for freshman is that they are going to get lost on the campus and not be able to find their classrooms. Your teenagers are at a point in their life where they want to make a good impression on the other students. At their age image is very important. Therefore the idea of being teased by the seniors or getting lost on the campus can be very stressful and also create a great deal of anxiety for a student starting high school.

As parents, you can talk to your teenagers about your first days days at high school and reassure them that the stories they hear about Freshmen being targets for the seniors are greatly exaggerated. Also you can try to go with them over to the school before it starts and walk around the campus so they can get use to where everything is at their new school. Another thing you can do is remind them that everyone makes mistakes so if they do get lost the first day it is not a big deal. Remind them there will be a lot of other kids starting their first day of school too and there will be other kids getting lost. This is also another opportunity to continue to establish an open relationship with your teenager. The more you talk with each other, you increase the likelihood that they will feel comfortable coming and talking to you about issues they will have while in high school.

Another issue facing some students is starting all over. In middle school may be everyone knew them and they were in the “popular group.” Now no one knows them and they need to start all over. This may be frightening to them, but remind them there will be many times in life when they will need to start as the new person. Also remind them, if they were able to do it in middle school, they can do it in high school too. Be sure to encourage them to have faith in themselves because it won’t happen over night. Now for many students middle school was a nightmare. They may be looking forward to starting over. Again remind them if they have the desire to try they can do it. All the Freshmen are starting all over just like them, but also to be patient because it may not happen as quickly as they like.

Also before school actually starts is a very good time to establish what your expectations are regarding grades and after school activities and hanging out with friends. At this time is a good time to establish what your expectations are homework, after school jobs and weekend curfews. If you establish an understanding between yourself and your teenager before these situations arise you can save yourself a lot of time arguing with your teenager. However as you establish these guidelines you want to have a conversation with your teenager about these issues. Remember your teenager is starting to enter the adult world, if you simply just tell them these are the rules, they will feel that you are being unfair and they will try to find a way around your rules. If you have a discussion with them about the rules they will feel that their opinions were respected, they are more likely to feel that the rules are fair and are more likely to follow the rules. It is also a good idea to write a contract with all the things you agreed to. If you write the agreements down and there is a misunderstanding you simply need to refer back to the contract. Also this is another opportunity for you to establish a relationship with your teenager where they feel comfortable enough to come to you and discuss any problems they may be having. You are also role modeling to them how to have an adult discussion and how to negotiate fairly and respectfully with other their people.

Of course you also want to take this opportunity to discuss with your teenager the fact that they are going to be faced with making decisions about alcohol, drugs and sex. This is a good time to provide them with the education they will need in order to cope with these situations. It is even more important today because technology has changed a number of rules. For example, if a girl texts a nude photo to a boy, he is guilty of having child pornography. Yes it was mutually agreed to but they are still under 18 years old so it is a crime. Texting is another area where they can get into trouble. If someone takes a text as a threat they can get into trouble for bullying or assault. As I said, technology has changed the rules and many of us have not been able to keep it. Therefore, remind them that information they may receive from their friends may not always be accurate. Furthermore, encourage them that at any time if they have any questions or concerns regarding these matters or any other matters you are always there to listen and to talk with them.

One thing to remember is acronym HALT. I teach this often with anger management, but it helps with communication too.

H – hunger

A – anger

L – lonely

T – tired

If either one of you are having these feelings, it is generally not a good time to have a discussion. Also if either one of you is feeling like this and you may not be listening to each other. Therefore, if either one of you are having these feelings or don’t feel like talking, then it’s better to postpone the conversation until you are both ready to talk.

Lastly, remind them that they are starting a brand-new phase in their life and it is normal to feel anxious and stress. Also remind them that these feelings are normal in the beginning but they usually quickly disappear after they have started school.

Besides having to face the pandemic, high school students today also have to face the issue of school shootings, as I mentioned above. Sadly, this is another stressful subject you may want to discuss with your teenager. Develop a plan with your teenager about what they would do if there was a shooting at their school. Also discuss with them what to do if they hear rumors or have concerns about how another student is acting. Finally, discuss how you can help if they are feeling worried or not safe at school. It is sad, but this is the world we live in today. Talking to you teen can help decrease anxiety and help you to maintain open communication with your teenager.

A few things you can do on the first day of classes to help with any anxiety are you can get up in the morning with them and have breakfast with them before they go to school. You can also put a note of encouragement in their backpack that they will find when they are at school and this can help reassure them and remind them how much support they have at home. Finally, you can arrange to be at home when when they get home from their first day of high school so you can talk about it with them. Also plan to have a family dinner to discuss everyone’s first day of school and offer encouragement where needed. These are just a few ideas to help with the transition process.

One final issue to remember, since there has been a significant increase in anxiety and depression in high school students, many students are having difficulties in class and completing their homework. If they are having difficulties, they may be entitled to a 504 plan or an Individual Educational Plan (IEP). Most school districts will offer you a 504 plan because it is easy for the school and costs the school no money. However, if your teen is having significant problems with school demand in writing that they be evaluated for an IEP. There is nothing to be ashamed about and an IEP will not prevent your child from going to college or getting a job. If you need further information regarding IEPs refer to my articles regarding IEPs or contact my office regarding an IEP consultation.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who specializes in treating children and teenagers. He has over 25 years experience working with teenagers. To learn more about his private practice in Pleasant or the work he has done over 25 years visit his web site at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/Drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

The Truth about Middle School in 2022

The Truth about Middle School in 2022

The school year is beginning and many parents are focused on their children’s transition into High School, College or Kindergarten. However, there is another important transition for children, Middle School. This is a major transition for pre-adolescents. As a psychotherapist who works with adolescents, I am very familiar with what is happening on High School and Middle School campuses and how big the transition is into Middle School these days. When kids transition to middle school they have to adjust to changing classes, having more than one teacher, increased homework and they are starting puberty and unsure of themselves. They are also not sure about all the academic changes. In addition to academic changes, physical changes with their own bodies, there are all the new social issues. Friends become more important and some students are talking about girlfriends, boyfriends and sex. This is a lot to adjust to at age 11. In addition to all of these changes, there are all the stories they have heard about middle school.

Many parents assume middle school in 2022 is similar to when they attended middle school, however the middle school in 2022 is very different than the middle school most parents attended. One example, when I mention to parents who have a child going into middle school or a child in middle school, if they have spoken to their child about drugs and alcohol, I am told no. I hear parents say every day that they don’t need to worry about drugs or alcohol with their child in middle school because their child is too young for that right now. Well the reality is that Middle School Students in 2022 are drinking, using drugs and having sex. Many parents are unaware of what is happening in Middle Schools these days. Drugs and alcohol are just the tip of the iceberg. Children that are in the age group of middle school are now involved numerous dangerous activities such as selling drugs.

To begin with, most middle school campuses are better pharmacies than your pharmacy. I have had middle school kids say they can get Vicodin, Concerta, Ecstasy and of course weed and alcohol on their school campus. Some kids use at school and some use after school and on the weekends. More and more middle school kids are deciding to experiment with drugs and alcohol due to the pressure to feel successful as a teenager and so they fit in with friends. They also feel overwhelmed by the school shootings and the pandemic and they are looking for an escape. They see other kids at school using and they want to be part of the popular group so they think about and often try drinking or vaping.

Also many middle school kids are sexually active, but they don’t think they are sexually active. They think because they are not engaging in intercourse and they are not sexual active. Most 6th graders tell me oral sex doesn’t count as being sexually active. The kids say they are just “messing around” with each other and do not consider this sex. They also have no idea about sexually transmitted diseases or how to protect themselves from contracting STDs or getting pregnant. However, the number of middle school kids engaging in oral sex and intercourse has increased significantly over the last few years. The rate is now high enough that some middle schools, such as the San Francisco School District, are disrupting condoms to middle school kids. Yes, Middle Schools are giving condoms to children in the sixth grade. These kids are only 11 years old.

Another common issue in middle school is bullying. However, we are not just talking about one kid teasing another kid at school anymore. Today there is for a group of kids teasing one kid and it is not just at school. Now kids are using Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Snapchat and texting by cellphone to tease and harass other kids. As many of you may recall there have been a number of kids who have committed suicide due to the teasing occurring at school. I wrote an article about a middle school girl who committed suicide and in her obituary she left a note to the other students just asking them to be nice to each other.

Another issue with teasing and dating is that students are not aware of the laws. As a result, many middle school students find themselves in trouble with the school district and often the police too. Harassment in middle school and dating often involves students texting or emailing pictures. Students are not aware that if they text a nude photo of another student or themselves that they have violated child pornography laws. Something many parents and students are not aware of is that a child can be charged with violating child pornography laws. When a child texts a nude photo of a middle school student, who is under 18 years old, it violates child pornography laws and the child who texts it and received it can both be arrested. The law is violated because the child in the photo is under 18 years old.

Also many kids in middle school, especially boys, don’t feel safe and are afraid of someone trying to beat them up before or afraid school. They say they have to fight because other kids are recording it and posting it on YouTube. Boys are bragging about their fights on YouTube and comparing how many people have watched their fight with their friend’s fight. Therefore, boys feel they must fight, otherwise if they don’t fight the other kids will think they are a “whimp.” Due to this fear many middle school students carry knives, metal pipes, guns or anything they can think of to protect themselves. This is very sad that kids have to live in fear for their lives and for safety reasons many middle schools have metal detectors. The number of mass shootings at schools and the mass shooting drills they do at school exacerbate this fear. It’s sad that a place they should feel safe in that students now are afraid for their lives. Also parents and students don’t realize, if a student is caught with any of these items on campus, they can be removed from their entire school district and required to go to continuation school. In addition, the school can have the student arrested. Due to mass shootings, schools take anyone possessing items that can severely hurt someone very seriously.

These are just a few of the issues that are occurring at all middle schools and they are very serious. Your child is not going to come to you to ask about these issues or tell you about them because they feel embarrassed and they are afraid of getting in to trouble. So parents even though you may feel embarrassed or awkward discussing these issues with your 11 year-old child, please do so. If you notice anything about your child’s behavior that seems different to you and you feel a sense of concern, ask your child about what is happening at school and with friends. Mention they are getting older and as a result the issues in their lives are becoming more difficult. Therefore, when you talk to your pre-teen mention drinking, sex or being teased and ask if they need to talk about it and they can talk about it anytime they need to. You may be saving their lives because they are dealing with things they know nothing about and these things can kill or have life long effects.

Here is a YouTube video that might help:

Life Talk | PSA: This could be your child (Teen drinking, alcohol,partying,peer pressure)

Dr Michael Rubino is an expert dealing with adolescents and adolescent issues. He has over 25 years experience treating children, adolescents, trauma victims and first responders. For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino’s work visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/Drrubino3.

Why Men and Teenage Boys are Lonely and Act Out

Why Men and Teenage Boys are Lonely and Act Out

The stigma of being a “man” causes men and boys to feel isolated. This leads to suicidal feelings and self-destructive behaviors such as drugs. Look at the price men and teen boys pay trying to live up to this stereotype The Devastating Toll of Men’s Loneliness | Psychology Today https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/fear-intimacy/202111/the-devastating-toll-mens-loneliness

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 25 years experience treating children, teenagers and trauma victims including first responders. For more information about Dr Rubino’s work visit his website http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or Facebook.com/drrubino3

Emotional Issues Boys Face in 2022

Emotional Issues Boys Face in 2022

Being a teenage boy in 2022 is very difficult for many boys. Most teenage boys are still trying to live up to to the old stereotype regarding what it takes to be a “man.” As a result of trying to live up to this image, it cost many teenage boys a big price. Many boys get into trouble because of this stereotype and they don’t deserve it. They need someone to explain to them what is acceptable or not acceptable for young men in 2022. This is what this article will try to address.

First let’s look at the traditional stereotype. According to the traditional stereotype boys need to be tall, their muscles need to be in shape. Many teenage boys are working day and night so they have a six pack. Many boys feel inadequate about their bodies if they do not have a six pack.

Besides having to be physically fit, they need to be able to take on any challenge, they should be able to handle alcohol, drugs. and sex and are not emotional. If they are not able to handle these issues they are looked down upon and as weak. This makes it difficult for teenage boys to make the decisions that are best for them. Furthermore, these issues do not make someone a man. Yes men need to deal with them, but if a man doesn’t drink alcohol or a teen is waiting to have sex, he is still a man. At times it more difficult to say no instead of going along with the crowd and say yes when you don’t want to.

Another issue boys have to face is technology. Boys have to be careful about what they post in today’s world. Colleges and employers now search the web when you apply to a college or a job. They look for posts containing alcohol or posts containing negative statements about girls, sex or racial slurs. Many teenagers have had their acceptance to college revoked due to what they posted online. The best example is Harvard University. A couple years ago they revoked the acceptance to several freshmen because of racial slurs and slurs about women they had posted. The teens thought it would be looked at as boys being boys but many places no longer accept this excuse. Sadly many boys are getting in trouble for their behavior because in the past it was acceptable and no one has really explained to teenage boys that i

their current behavior is no longer acceptable.

Another issue which gets teenage boys into trouble is texting. Specifically sexting or sending nude or sexually suggestive photographs. Many teenage boys feel their is no problem with these issues because they is mutual consent. However, what teenagers forget is that since they are under the age of 18, this is considered child pornography. While they may have mutual consent, if you are sending sexually explicit material to anyone under the age of 18, you are violating child pornography laws. Typically boys are the ones who are blamed and may face legal charges. The tragic part of this situation is the boy had no idea he was doing anything wrong. He never knew because no one ever explained that he was making a mistake.

Another area which gets boys into trouble is language. Many teenage boys are use to swearing when they talk because that is how boys think they are suppose to talk. Again often the boys get into trouble because they are doing what they see and hear other boys talk. However, no one has told the boys that the language they are using where they are using it is not appropriate. They are acting based on this old stereotype so they will be accepted. Before punishing the boys, they need to educate the boys and give them a chance.

Bottom line, the old stereotype regarding male behavior is in appropriate and boys are being taught they must use alcohol, be physically aggressive towards others and they must be sexually active if they want to be considered men. This behavior can get teenage boys now into major trouble. Therefore, we need schools and male role models to educate young teenage boys that the old male stereotype is outdated. We need the schools and male role models to educate young teenage males what behavior is appropriate regarding alcohol, language and sexual activity. Also teenage boys today need male role models to educate them how to respect themselves. If we don’t start to educate teenage males about how the old stereotype is inappropriate, how can we expect boys to react appropriately?

Furthermore, this old stereotype is resulting in many teenagers and men to feel isolated and depressed because they have to ignore their feelings in order to follow this stereotype. The suicide rate for teenage boys’ has increased from the third leading cause of death to the second leading cause of death. Therefore besides ruining people’s lives, including girls, the old male stereotype is costing the lives of teenagers. The time has come to make a change.

Dr. Michael Rubino has over 25 years experience working with male teenagers, children and trauma victims including first responders. He is a cofounder of the National Advisory Board for Alive and Free which addresses issues such as this one. For more information regarding his work and private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3

How Dads Help Children & Teenagers

How Dads Help Children & Teenagers

We have all heard very often how important a mother is to a child especially a young child. While this is true Dads are just as important to children and young children. I say Dad because any man can father a child, but it takes work to be a Dad to a child.

Because of the stereotype we have about men in our culture, Dads are often not considered to be important in children’s lives. We tend to focus on mothers and what they provide children. Also because men tend to work a lot and have a tendency not to express emotions, many people assume Dads are usually not emotionally available to children.

However, if we look at the stereotype it also demonstrates why Dads are important. Dads are the male role models to their sons. Dads teach their sons how to treat women, their wives and their children. They teach their sons how a man is supposed to act in relationships and react to people in general.

Dads are also role models for their daughters. Their daughters see how their Dads treat their Moms. This is the first example girls have of how they should be treated in an intimate relationship. If their Dad is verbally and physically abusive, they will most likely expect their boyfriend or husband to treat them that way. Additionally, if girls are exposed to a Dad who is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive, they are more likely to have low self-esteem as adults and be bullied as a child. Boys also are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem and be bullies, if their Dad is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.

Additionally, boys tend to look for validation from their Dads that they are doing a good job developing into an adult man. If their Dad is not emotionally available, many boys interpret this as they are a failure to their Dad and they become hurt and angry. Since men and boys tend to have difficulties expressing their emotions, because men don’t express sadness or similar emotions, they tend to express these emotions as anger. In other words, boys and men tend to project their pain onto others.

If we change our mind set and see how valuable a Dad is to kids then may be Dads can start meeting the emotional needs of their children and families. However, this requires men to stop living up to the stereotype society has about how men are supposed to act. Since men tend to focus on the stereotype about male behavior, they tend to pass this stereotype on to their sons.

I have a friend who was able to ignore the male stereotype and write a wonderful poem to his son. He wanted his son never to doubt how he felt about him and he wanted to make sure he shared it with his son. What a tremendous gift he gave to his son! Also what a fantastic role model he is being to his son about how to be a Dad.

I asked for his permission to print it here and he graciously said yes. I hope other Dads will read this and share a gift like this with their son or daughter. Also I hope it helps to eliminate the false stereotypes we have about Dads.

I never want this to go unsaid, about my son,

So here in this poem, for all to hear

There are no words to express how much you mean to me,

with a smile upon my face, and warm feelings in my heart, I must declare!

A son like you, always polite and full of joy,I thought could never be.

Since the day you were born, I just knew you were like a mini me,

from your first breath I knew,

God sent me a blessing- and that was you.

For this I thank him every day,

You are the true definition of a son, in every way.

Your kindness and caring with love for all,

you give my life meaning, for us to share.

Becoming your father has shown me a new sense of being.

I want you to know that you were the purpose of my life,

Turning everything I ‘am – into a happy place.

Always remember that I know how much you care,

I can tell by the bond that we share.

For a son like you there could be no other,

And whether we are together or apart,

Please do not ever forget-

You will always have a piece of my heart.

This is a fantastic example of a Dad!

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with 25 years experience working with children & teens and trauma victims including first responders. He is an expert in this area of treatment. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com, http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or follow him on Facebook www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

New Trolls Targeting Teenage Boys

New Trolls Targeting Teenage Boys

During the pandemic many teenagers spent a great deal of time on their laptops and the internet. It was really the only option they had since we were under quarantine and they could not go to many places when quarantine ended. Since teens were spending a lot of time online, many parents worried about sexual predators online and what their teenagers were being exposed to. Many teenagers feel their parents worry too much about the risks they face online. However, parents have a right to worry.

Before parents were worried about trolls who were trying to engage their teenagers into sexual encounters. However, there is a knew worry for parents. There are trolls who are targeting teenage boys. They are not trying to use the boys for sex. They are using the boys for money. The new danger is referred to as sextortion.

What the trolls are doing is emailing teenagers saying they have broken into their computer and they have copies of pornography they have looked at and videos of the boys masturbating. The boys are told if they do not send $500 or at times even more than $500, the pornography and videos will be posted online and sent to their contacts. Many boys panic because most teenage boys have looked at pornography and masturbated. This terrifies some teenage boys because they don’t want to tell their parents because it is very embarrassing to them. Unfortunately, many boys have paid these trolls and then found out they were the victim of a scam. After paying the money, the boys receive nothing and as I said they find out they are the victims of a scam.

I have had several teen boys who have received these emails or texts and they were terrified. I had them relax and we discussed the situation calmly and they were able to determine no one had hacked their computer plus they had not been watching porn while masturbating so there was no way people could have videos. However, the boys are so shocked and embarrassed by the email or text that they don’t think. Masturbation is not a subject discussed in our society. It’s also a behavior teenagers put each other down for. Therefore, the people who have developed this scheme have thought it through very well and figured out what would really scare teenagers. They definitely have found it.

Another twist to this scheme is teen boys think they are chatting with a teenage girl online. She asks for nude pictures of the boy and promises to send one of herself. Some boys send sexual poses and some send full nude pictures. Therefore, when they ask the boys for money the boys really panic. What the boys don’t realize is since they are under 18 years old the picture they sent is consider child pornography. The troll cannot do anything with the picture because if they do they can be arrested. Therefore, they are not going to do anything with it.

I do encourage boys to discuss these situations with their parents. Masturbation is normal and most parents know when their sons are masturbating. By discussing it with their parents, it can remove some of the stigma associated with sex and parents have an opportunity to discuss sex and issues associated with sex with their sons. Also it helps the teenagers understand that they can talk to them parents and that their parents can be understanding. It is very important for parents to have open, honest communication with their teenagers especially with everything going on in our Country today.

So what should parents do? Parents need to arrange a time to sit down with their teenage sons and discuss this issue of sextortion with them. Also ask if they have experienced anything like it and encourage them to tell you if they get a message on their laptops or cellphones. In addition to discussing sextortion also discuss internet and cellphone safety issues. Another issue to address is now that they are older that the consequences are more severe than when they were in fifth grade. Bottom line, it gives you an opportunity to work on keeping open, honest communication with your son and an opportunity to discuss responsibility and your family values with your son.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 25 years experience treating children, teenagers and trauma victims including first responders. To find out more about Dr. Rubino’s work please visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

Cellphones as Graduation Gifts for 8th and 5th grade Students

Cellphones as Graduation Gifts for 8th and 5th grade Students

School is ending and many students will be graduating. We typically focus on high school and college graduations because they are major achievements. This article will focus on children graduating from 8th grade going on to high school and 5th graders moving on to middle school. Many middle school students and 5th grade students will be asking for their first Smartphone or they will be asking for the newest smartphones available such as the IPhone 13. In today’s society many people including teenagers view cell phones as a necessity of life. I have seen teenagers argue with their parents how they could not function at school or in life without their cellphones. In fact, some teenagers become physically violent, if you take their cellphone. Most teenagers also say they need Smatphones, a regular cellphone will not work. However, in my opinion, cellphones are a privilege not a necessity. We need to remember that fact. Yes for some parents it is a tool they use to keep in contact with their child and for their child to use if they feel they are in danger. However a regular cellphone will do this it doesn’t have to be an IPhone 13. However, since we are dealing with what I call the IPhone generation, most teenagers will not be satisfied and will feel cheated unless they have the latest version of the Smartphone on the market.

Students moving on to middle school or high school will be asking to upgrade their phones too. As I stated above, they feel they need the latest version otherwise they cannot function successfully in their lives. Therefore, many children will be asking for the IPhone 13 for example. Most children and teenagers who are asking for these expensive phones usually never consider the price. They believe they are entitled to have the latest cellphone. They also do not need a powerful smartphone, they are not running a business. Additionally, Smartphones provide numerous ways for teenagers to get into trouble. Look at how many adults get into trouble with Smartphones and how they use them.

Many people have forgotten that cellphones are privileges not necessities especially for teens and children in fifth grade or in Middle School. They have grown up with everyone having a cellphone so they don’t see it as a privilege any more. This is a common argument I encounter between children and parents. Also it is common for children and teenagers to use guilt with their parents in order to get the phones they want. They tell their parents if they cared, they would buy them the smartphone they need and want. Remember being a parent is not a popularity contest. Additionally, if their parents are divorced, they often will play their parents against each other as away to get the cellphone they want. Furthermore, many teenagers do not consider how much these phones cost. Additionally, the amount of money you spend on gifts for your child or teenager has no correlation with your love for your children or teenagers. As a parent you need to do what you feel is best for your child.

Parents if you stop and think about it, why does an 11 year old child need an IPhone 13? They do not need to track mileage or expense accounts nor do they need to remember their own doctor appointments. There is really no reason they need a Smartphone. Also if you do get them one, they do not need it with them all the time. It is important to set limits where and when they use their phones. Why do they need their cellphone when they go to bed? Most teens who take their cellphones to bed will typically spend hours texting friends or watching YouTube. When morning comes, they are too tired to get up because they were awake until 3am playing with their phone.

Smartphones are an area where technology has moved faster than our ethics. If you think about it, IPhones and Smartphones were not around in the year 2000. Now everyone including a majority of children in fifth grade and teens have an IPhone or Smartphone. In my opinion an adolescent does not need a cellphone until they enter Middle School and at that point all they need is a basic cellphone. They need a basic phone so they can check-in with you if their plans change or if they feel they are in need of help.

As I stated above, there is no reason that a teenager really needs a Smartphone. They are not taking care of a family nor are they running a business. Therefore, a basic cellphone should be adequate for what they need it for. I understand that given the way our society has changed some parents may find that it is helpful to their family if a child in middle school has a cellphone. This is a decision that every parent needs to make based on their family’s situation.

The parent needs to make this decision, not let the child guilt them into buying them a cell phone. If you are divorced and have children, this may be extremely difficult, but the decision about if your child gets a cellphone or not, should be a joint decision by both parents and a decision you both agree on. One parent should not buy a cellphone without consulting the other parent and they should not use it as a weapon in the divorce.

If you decide that your middle school child is mature enough for a cellphone, you should discuss the rules and guidelines about using the phone prior to getting a phone. Some things to discuss are who they give their cell number to, not texting during class and not taking it into the bedroom at night so they can text most of the night. As I stated, many kids will text with their friends until 2 or 3 am and then be too tired for school the next day.

Also there should be a discussion about sharing photos. You never know what someone will do with a photo if they get mad with you. Also there needs to be a discussion about the law. It is not uncommon for teens to send their boyfriend/girlfriend nude photos of themselves. What they don’t understand is they are under the age of 18 years old. Therefore, if they have a nude picture of their 15 year old girlfriend, they can be charged with possession of child pornography. Many may say this won’t happen to me, but I have had a number of teens in psychotherapy because they were charged with having child pornography. Also you need to remember, once those pictures are out on the internet, they are out there forever. There also needs to be a discussion about on-line perpetrators too. There are many pedophiles on line trying to lure unsuspecting teens into their plans. Your children need to understand this is a real risk and what to watch for.

Finally, it should be made clear that the phone does not belong to the child — the phone belongs to you the parent. Yes you are giving them the phone to use, but it still belongs to you. If you ask for it back, then the child hands it over no questions asked. Also if you feel they are using their phone in an inappropriate manner, all you need to do is call your cellphone carrier and request that their phone line be suspended. It cost you nothing and it is an easy way to control the phone. When you feel that your child has earned the right to have the cellphone back all you do is call your carrier to reinstate that phone line.

It is very important that you and your teen have an agreement about conditions regarding their cellphone use. All of these conditions and agreements should be written down in an agreement that you sign and the child signs. You each get a copy of the agreement and one copy is posted on the refrigerator. If there are any disputes about a rule, you simply go back to the agreement and you follow what is written. A written agreement is very important because I have seen parents have conversations, make agreements and then 6 months later there is a disagreement and everyone’s memory is slightly different so you have a big fight.

Also given how many adults have gotten into trouble with their Smartphones, if you are going to allow your child to use any kind of cellphone you must discuss the pros and cons so the child or teen understands the responsibility they are assuming, if you allow them to use a smartphone.

Below I have included a sample contract that you can use with your child and modify as you need:

Cellphone Contract

I, child’s name, will not bring my cellphone to the family dinner table.

I will not go over our plan’s monthly minutes or text message limits. If I do, I understand that I may be responsible for paying any additional charges or that I may lose my cellphone privileges.

I understand that I am responsible for knowing where my phone is, and for keeping it in good condition.

I understand that my cellphone may be taken away if I talk back to my parents, I fail to do my chores, or I fail to keep my grades up.

I will obey rules of etiquette regarding cellphones in public places. I will make sure my phone is turned off when I am in church, in restaurants, or quiet settings.

I will obey any rules my school has regarding cellphones, such as turning them off during class, or keeping them on vibrate while riding the school bus.

I promise I will alert my parents when I receive suspicious or alarming phone calls or text messages from people I don’t know. I will also alert my parents if I am being harassed by someone via my cellphone.

I will not use my cellphone to bully another person.

I will send no more than _____ texts per day I understand that having a cellphone can be helpful in a emergency, but I know that I must still practice good judgment and make good choices that will keep me out of trouble or out of danger.

I will not send embarrassing photos of my family or friends to others. In addition, I will not use my phone’s camera to take embarrassing photos of others. I understand that having a cell phone is a privilege, and that if I fail to adhere to this contract, my cell phone privilege may be revoked.

Parent Responsibilities I understand that I will make myself available to answer any questions my tween might have about owning a cellphone and using it responsibly.

I will support my child when he or she alerts me to an alarming message or text message that he or she has received. I will alert my child if our cellphone plan changes and impacts the plan’s minutes.

I will give my child _______ warning(s) before I take his or her cellphone away

Signed ______________________________ (Tween) Signed ______________________________ (Parents). Date ______________________________

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who has been working with children, middle school and high school students for over 25 years. He is considered an expert in this field. Dr. Rubino is one of the founding members of the National Alive & Free Program, a program designed to work with teens. For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino’s work and private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or www.rubinocounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

Teens do not become Gay because their Friends are Gay

Teens do not become Gay because their Friends are Gay

Many parents worry that their teens are questioning their sexuality right now. Many parents feel that their teen’s friends may be influencing their teen. This article discusses how it’s not friends and that it has more to do with who they are as a person https://yourteenmag.com/health/teen-sexuality/peer-pressure-sexuality-gender

Dr. Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 25 years treating children and teenagers. For more information about Dr Rubino please visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com