Having A Safe, Fun Super Bowl Party

Having A Safe, Fun Super Bowl Party

Super Bowl Sunday is coming up in a couple weeks. Since the San Francisco 49ers are playing, there will be a large number of Super Bowl parties and events in the San Francisco Bay Area. As I stated in my previous article for many people it is a day to party and have fun, but it is also the day when the most domestic violence occurs in the United States. This statistic is for adults and teenagers. So, how do you have a safe, fun Super Bowl Sunday? You need to develop a plan that reduces stress and too much drinking.

First, remember that it is just a day and just a football game. Therefore, if everything is not perfect such as you don’t have all the food you wanted or things are not arranged how you wanted, do not stress over it. You can still enjoy the game without a lot food or alcohol. Also if everything is not arranged perfectly, you can still enjoy the game. In other words, do not stress and argue over minor details.

If you are going to have small children around, set up a separate room with food and activities for them. Many children under 10 years old will lose interest in the game and if there is nothing else for them to do, they will want attention and distract people from the game. Therefore, set up another room where they can watch other television shows and have games to play. This way they are not bored and they can enjoy themselves.

People drinking too much is a common problem during Super Bowl parties. Therefore, when your friends arrive, tell them you care about them and their safety. Therefore, you want everyone to put their car keys in the basket as they enter. This way if someone accidentally has too much to drink, you can give them a ride home. This way if someone has too much to drink, you don’t have to argue about them driving if they are not safe to drive. This can help avoid an argument and a possible physical fight.

Also watch how much alcohol you are serving. If you are serving alcohol, serve food too. The food helps to absorb the alcohol and decreases the likelihood that someone will drink too much. Also towards the end of the game stop serving alcohol and switch to sodas. If someone has had too much to drink, this gives them a chance for their body to process the alcohol they consumed so they can lower their blood alcohol level.

Another good idea is to set rules for your party. Announce to your guests that you want everyone to have a good time and no arguing or fighting. Therefore, cheering for their team or favorite player is fine, but you do not want any name calling nor is there to be any insulting other people at the party. Also good nature teasing is fine but no swearing and if someone asks you to stop the joking, respect their request. Bottom line, state that regardless of who wins or loses, you expect everyone to act like adults and to treat each other respectfully so it is a fun day for everyone.

It would also be helpful to remember the acronym HALT:

H – hungry

A – angry

L – lonely

T – tired, too much alcohol

If you notice someone expressing these emotions or drinking too much, this is a situation which could result in an argument or violence. Therefore, if you notice a potential violent situation, try talking to the person to see what is bothering them. If you notice a couple arguing try having one person step outside with you for a time out so they can calm down. You may want to let them know that they seem slightly upset and you are just checking-in to see if there is a problem and if you can help. Instead of ignoring the situation try to offer some help so people can calm down. This can help a great deal.

At the end of your party, if someone is not sober enough to drive, offer to drive them home. Remember all the car keys are in a basket so you do not have to argue to get the car keys. Remind them that you are only offering to drive because you care about them. You do not want to see them arrested for driving under the influence, you do not want to see them get into a car accident and you definitely do not want to see them kill someone else or themselves in a car accident.

If you notice a couple who appear to be arguing, offer to allow one person to stay for a while and you will drive them home later. Giving them a chance to calm down could help avoid a domestic violent incident. If after a little while the person at your house or the person who went home tells you they do not feel safe around the other person right now – listen to them! Offer to let the person stay at your house for the night. You do not want to assign blame to anyone. Simply state that they seem to be having a stressful day and instead of them both staying in the same house that night and arguing all night and arguing in front of the children is not a good idea. It is okay if they need to take a break for the night and talk about it tomorrow. You are providing them and the children with a safe environment and hopefully avoiding a domestic violent incident. Many people are afraid to step in and offer help when they see a potential domestic violent situation. However, if more people offered to help and did not shame the family, the incidence of domestic violence could decrease and more people may be willing to seek help.

If you are a couple who are having incidents with domestic violence, discuss the issue before the day. Hopefully, the two of you are in psychotherapy and can discuss the issue in a therapy session. Discussing a potential problem with a therapist or even a friend prior to the event can be very helpful. If you are not in therapy and afraid to talk to a friend and do not feel safe call the following number for help: The National Domestic Hotline 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). Someone will answer 24 hours a day, 356 days a year. Do not be embarrassed to call. If you need help, please reach out and ask for it before someone gets seriously injured or killed.

Hopefully these suggestions help and you can enjoy the game in a fun peaceful environment.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating teenagers and he is certified to assess and treat domestic violence. If you want additional information regarding Dr. Rubino’s work or his private practice visit his websites http://www.rcs-ca.com, http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Talking To Kids about Mass Shootings

Talking To Kids about Mass Shootings

Mass shootings have become a daily occurrence in our country. Just the other day there was another shooting at the Naval Base in Pensacola, Florida. Closer to home there was a threat of a possible shooting at Foothill Middle School in Walnut Creek. The police determined in was not a valid threat and it was a kid trying to scare people. However, I did receive calls from parents asking me, how do I talk to my child about this threat? Many parents said to me before it was easier because the shootings were far away. Now it was in our backyards and parents were not sure what to do.

It is not surprising that parents are feeling overwhelmed. According to the CDC, as of November 15th which was the 319th day of the year, there have been 336 shootings as in November 15th for the year 2019. Also there have been 250 deaths and 979 injuries in 2019. According to the CDC, there have been a total of 1347 deaths and 1684 injuries in mass shootings many of them occurred at schools. With the recent shootings at Santa Clarita and the Naval Base, the numbers will increase. When you look at these numbers and you look at there are 1.2 shootings, this is very overwhelming. It is difficult for adults to comprehend how do you discuss with a 10 year old child.

Many people think they can ignore discussing it with their children because they do not watch the news. They may not watch the news, but the hear people talking and see things on the internet. Also most schools have intruder shooting drills now. So children are very aware of mass shootings. In fact, over the last 2 years, I have seen a significant increase of children for anxiety, depression and not wanting to go to school. The kids tell me they are afraid of getting killed if they go to school. Therefore, parents need to discuss mass shootings with their children.

When you speak to your children you need to do so in an age appropriate manner. Reassure them everyone is doing everything they can to keep them safe. Do not deny that there have been shootings at schools because they know there have been shootings. If you lie about the shootings, they will not trust what you have to say. The main point children are looking for is that people are there to keep them safe and everyone is doing everything possible to keep them safe. Children look towards adults to keep them safe so it is very important as parents you say and do whatever you can to reassure your child, you are doing everything you can to keep them safe.

This is a very difficult topic for children and parents. As a parent you want to reassure your child, but you do not want to lie. I have included a link to a very good video. It goes over different age groups and explains to parents how to approach your child regarding this issue. I encourage every parent to watch it and to talk to your child. Remember, if you do so in a loving way, you will help your child a great deal. The most important thing to them is that you love them and they know you are trying to keep them safe. https://youtu.be/Ddk0RUKbAMk.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. He is also certified to treat trauma victims. For more information regarding Dr. Rubino visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Surviving Winter Break with Your Teenager Not in School

Surviving Winter Break with Your Teenager Not in School

It’s the Holiday Season and most people are excited and feeling overwhelmed too. Teenagers are very excited about Winter Break. They have no school for at least two weeks and are looking forward to staying up late, sleeping in and spending times with friends. However, many parents are not so excited about Winter Break. Most parents have to work full time so they are concerned about what their teenager will be doing while they are working and there are some family activities planned which means their teenager cannot spend all of the break with friends. Therefore, parents are starting to wonder how to handle this situation so Winter Break is enjoyable for everyone.

It might help parents, to have a better understanding of how their teenagers look at Winter Break. In their minds, they have spent a great deal of extra time during December studying for midterms, finals and completing final projects. They have had to give up some time with friends and there were several nights they had to stay up late studying. Therefore, they feel they are entitled to sleep in and spend time with their friends. Additionally, a number of juniors and seniors have friends who will be returning from their first year at college. Therefore, Winter Break is the only time they have to spend with them. Again, they feel entitled to the time because they spent a lot of extra time studying so they are entitled to some free time. Another factor is that many teenagers consider some of the family activities scheduled to be boring compared to hanging out with friends.

Now parents can just say this is what you will be doing over Winter Break because we are your parents. This will result in a great deal or arguing and teenagers sneaking off to spend time with friends. This approach is not very effective and results in a great deal of unhappiness for parents and teenagers. Winter Break feels like a prison sentence not anything to celebrate.

I recommend sitting down with all your children and developing a plan for Winter Break. First explain how you envision the break going and the activities you have planned and want your children to participate in. Explain to them why you want them to participate in these activities and what it means to you. Next let your teens discuss what plans they had for break and why these plans are important to them. This allows you and your teenagers to discuss everyone’s plans and a solution that will work for everyone. Remind your teenager that your daily expectations regarding vaping, alcohol and their over all behavior still apply. You are not setting up new house rules. You are simply setting up a schedule for Winter Break.

As for the days, I recommend setting a time they need to up by such as 10:30am. This gives them time to sleep but not sleep the day away. Also leave a couple chores they can help with when they get up. Such as cleaning up their own dishes and maybe cleaning the kitchen or doing some laundry or putting some clothes away. After that they can spend time with their friends. Ask them to tell you what they plan on doing the night before and ask them to check in by text at certain times. Also agree on a time they need to be home. During the week maybe require they are home three nights a week for a family dinner. The other nights and weekends, they can have dinner with friends or bring a friend home for dinner. Whatever they do, they need to tell you before, check in occasionally by text and be home by a certain time. As for bed time don’t spend a great deal on that one. Allow them to go to bed when they want as long as they are able to get up by the agreed upon time. If they miss getting up on time 3 times in a row, then you set a bed time. This is only for teens in high school. For children in middle school and elementary school, you need to set a bed time.

As you are coming up with these agreements, you are also writing them down on a contract that everyone will sign and get a copy to keep. Therefore, if there is a misunderstanding, you just refer back to the contract. You also should agree upon consequences if someone violates the contract and include them in the contract.

Now the big issue to confront, how much evening time your teen will spend with friends and what activities you have planned that they will attend. This is not easy. I usually suggest if the activity is a big family activity including extended family or a family tradition then your teenager needs to attend. Depending on the activity may be the can bring a friend or leave early. As for time with their friends, ask what they have planned and see how it fits into the family schedule. Most often teenagers won’t know their plans yet because they need to talk to their friends. Therefore, give them time to talk to their friends and add their events to the calendar. One important thing to remember, your teenagers are becoming young adults and need their social time too. Therefore, try to be flexible with them. If it is a family event, they definitely should be present and participate. If it is a community event or neighborhood party, it is probably fine to allow them to miss it and spend time with their friends.

As for the time they spend with friends, it is fine to require that they tell you what they will be doing and where they will be. Setting a time to be home is appropriate too. Also it is fine to ask them to check in by text too. One thing you may consider is setting up an activity with your teenager and their friends so you can spend time with them and see how they are maturing. If you decide to try doing an activity with your teen and their friends, only do it if your teenager is agreeable and allow them to plan the activity.

Remember, everything you agree to with your teenager, you will write down in your Winter Break contract. Everyone will sign it and get a copy so if there is a misunderstanding you simply refer back to the contract.

Finally, let your teenager know you are aware that they are getting older and they are starting to have social lives of their own and this is why you are having this discussion. Explain that hopefully this will help eliminate fighting over their break, but nothing is perfect. Therefore, issues may come up that you have not discussed. Ask, if an issue does occur, that everyone tries to discuss it remembering you all have the same goal of everyone enjoying the holiday. Hopefully if you keep this in mind and discusses any issues that occur it can be a happy holiday break for everyone.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating teenagers and children. For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 aa

All I Want for Christmas is A Blanket

All I Want for Christmas is A Blanket

A teacher did a typical holiday activity and asked her first grade class to write letters for Christmas. She asked each student to write one thing they want and something they need. One of the children wrote this heartbreaking letter:

See the video above

The fact that is even more heartbreaking is she was not the only child in the class to write such a letter. Several children requested food and blankets too.

We assume that hunger is not a problem in the United States. However, one in five children live below the poverty level and do not have enough to eat on a regular basis. Many of these children are homeless too. It’s not because they have drug addicted parents either. Many of their parents work 2 or 3 jobs, but the cost of living in the United Stares is so high, they still cannot provide their children with the basic necessities of life.

I do see children in this situation for psychotherapy. These children are often depressed and see no hope for the future. They feel that they will be homeless for their entire life. I am able to provide these children psychotherapy because I see them pro bono.

The other sad fact is that the United States government is considering cutting programs which assist these families and this will make life worse for these children. Many of these programs are their only source of food. The children are the future of our country. Why would the United States, considered the richest country in the world, cut programs that will increase the number of children living in poverty? Should a child in the United States, need to be asking Santa Claus for food and a blanket? Are we really willing to cut these vital programs that these children who are legal United States citizens and turn around and spend $5 billion dollars on a wall. Where are our priorities?

We cannot control what the government is doing except by voting and speaking out to our Senators. In addition, especially at this time of year, we can donate to food banks, churches and non-profits which assist families in need. In addition to donating to these organizations, you and your family can volunteer some time over the Holidays to assist these programs. The Holidays are the busiest time of year and they can always use volunteers. Furthermore, besides donating or volunteering during the Holidays, it is something we can do throughout the year.

There is no reason that a child who lives in the richest country in the world needs to be asking for a blanket at the Holidays. Leaving the children and families in this situation only creates more problems later in life. Research shows children who grow up under these conditions are more likely to have mental health issues as adults. We can change this by donating to non-profit

Happy Holidays versus Merry Christmas

Happy Holidays versus Merry Christmas

Last year there was a big debate between people saying Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. The United States has people from various ethnic backgrounds and religions living in our Country. There are also many people who have no religious beliefs. Our Country is suppose to be the “great melting pot.” Therefore, we are suppose to all live together peacefully and respectfully together.

Unfortunately, it does not appear we are living up to the goal of being the “great melting pot.” We have people who are singling out certain nationalities and trying to prevent them from immigrating to the United States. We have also seen a 57% increase in crimes against people of Jewish decent. For example, last year the largest amount of Jewish people in the United States where killed at one time as they were worshiping in their Temple. This type of violence has not occurred for decades, but it is baaack. Freedom of religion is one of the core beliefs of the United States. However, it does appear that core belief is eroding and possibly disappearing.

In addition to increase discrimination towards ethnicities and religions, there is an increase in the discrimination towards people who are homosexual or identify as anything other than heterosexual. The United States Declaration of Independence states, “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” These are the beliefs that our Country is based on and what our Country represents. It states “all men” not just Caucasian people, not just Christian people and not just people who are heterosexual.

The Declaration of Independence and Constitution assume that we may have differences in our cultures or religious beliefs, but that we can all live together peacefully and respect one another. Unfortunately, when we see a 57% rise in hate crimes towards people who are Jewish, we are not living together peacefully or respectfully.

This brings me to the debate between Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays. I am a proud Italian, Catholic, American, however, my family taught me to respect people regardless of ethnicity, religion or sexual orientation. Therefore, I always wish people Happy Holidays. In the United States during this time of year we celebrate Thanksgiving, Christmas, Hanukah, Kwanzaa (I am sure there are some religious celebrations I missed) and New Years. If I am going to be respectful, Happy Holidays is the most appropriate saying not Merry Christmas. Some one may not be Christian and they may have no religious beliefs at all. However, most likely they celebrate Thanksgiving and New Years. Happy Holidays covers this without imposing my beliefs on someone else. Everyone who is Christian think about this point, what if you were not allowed to say Merry Christmas or if the entire Country acted like Christmas did not exist? How would that make you feel? You probably would not like it.

Therefore, I think we need to return to our roots: “We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.” This is a very powerful statement and in order to honor it we must respect all cultures, religions and sexual orientations. This statement is what makes the United States so different from every other country in the world. If we are going to honor our Country then Happy Holidays is the appropriate greeting during this time of year not Merry Christmas. If you are Christian it is appropriate to say in your home and at your Church not at work or out in public.

We also need to look at the amount of violence that is occurring in our Country. Besides fire drills at schools, now children are having to do mass shooting drills. Schools are actually practicing and teaching first and second graders what they need to do if there is a mass shooting at their school. Many children are frightened by these drills. They do not know if they are practice or real and they are afraid that they will be killed at school. There are a number of reasons why we have these mass killings, but the lack of respect we show to each other cannot be helping the situation. Therefore, out of respect for everyone when you are in public try using Happy Holidays. When you are at home or among family and friends use the greeting that works for your family.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Helping You Teenager Survive Finals

Helping You Teenager Survive Finals

The end of the Fall semester is around the corner and it is a time of year that students panic because it’s Finals time. Your teenagers are probably very stressed or getting stressed. There is a lot going on right now. Seniors are trying to complete college applications, seniors and juniors are worried about grades because these grades will impact which colleges they can go to. In addition, there is time off for Thanksgiving and Christmas so many teenagers are focusing on spending time with their friends. However, they also need to allow for time with their families too.

As I stated besides finals, teenagers are having to balance between friends and family. In addition to spending time with friends there are the parties that occur over Thanksgiving and Christmas break. Besides having to balance time between family and friends, they still have to keep the homework current and study for finals or complete semester projects.

In many classes the final may be worth fifty percent of the students grade. The final grade in a class is very important. This grade will be part of their overall GPA which can affect what colleges Juniors can apply to and their ability to get scholarships. Also for seniors these are the grades colleges will be using to determine who they accept or reject. Seniors know they need a decent Fall semester GPA to have a chance of being accepted by a college.

As you can see there is a great deal of pressure on high school students during this time of year. Also since the competition to get into colleges has increased and the competition for scholarships have increased so has the stress on high school students.

Many students will do what ever they need to in order to survive this time of year. This includes using alcohol or weed to help them relax or sleep. They will also take friends ADHD medication, use cocaine, or start taking caffeine pills or start drinking a great deal of coffee or energy drinks so they can stay awake and study. They don’t realize how much caffeine those energized drinks contain. Also the combination of weed to sleep and caffeine to stay awake can cause mood changes, psychosis and even death.

Most teens want to do things on there own so they will tell you everything is fine and they have it covered. They think it is fine because of the substances they are using. Remember a teenagers prefrontal lobes are not fully developed yet. Therefore, they only focus on the here and now and not on the future. They also do not always think about the long term consequences about some of the things they are using.

If your teenager is getting anger very easily or crying easily this is a sign that something is going on. If you notice a change in their eating habits such as going from eating a lot to eating nothing, this is another sign. Also if you notice a change in their sleep pattern such as awake all night and falling asleep at odd times this is also a sign.

What do you do if you notice anything that is making you worry, you should sit down and talk to your teenager. Explain you know there is a lot of stress right now and point out the changes you have noticed and what you are concerned about. Reinforce you are not having this conversation because you are mad and they are not in trouble, you are having this conversation because you love them. If they are using things or doing things because they think it will help them study, let them know you are there to help. Explain some of the dangers associated with what they are doing. Remind them no grade is worth their life.

One thing you may want to do, is say to your teenager you know the end of the semester is a stressful time. Ask them if they need any help studying or help organizing their time. Let them know if there is any way you can help, you are there to help. Remind them, all they need to do is ask you for help and you will help.

Hopefully they will listen to you and confide in you. If they continue to deny everything, then go to any local pharmacy and buy a drug testing kit. Explain you are only doing this for their safety and they are not in trouble. They may be afraid or embarrassed to tell you. They may feel like a failure in your eyes. As their parent they really need your love and support right now not a lecture. Again remember when you were in high school and how difficult it was to tell your parents certain things. Good luck.

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in working with teens and has over 20 years experience and his work is nationally recognized. To find out more about Dr. Michael Rubino visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at Facebook.com/Drrubino3

The Holidays are a Time to Give Back to People

The Holidays are a Time to Give Back to People

This past Tuesday was a Giving Tuesday and there will be more during the Holidays. It is a day to help us remember that many of us are very fortunate and that there are other people who are not as fortunate as we are. This day also points out how many people assume that in order to enjoy the Holidays that you must go into debt. However, it is not necessary to go into debt if you want to enjoy the Holidays. How much money you spend does not equal how much you care about someone. In my opinion, the Holidays are about spending time with people in your life that you care about and are important to your life. It is a time to acknowledge these people and to thank them for being in your life.

Therefore, one thing you can do is to take advantage of the Holiday activities happening in your cities. Most of these activities are free and offer a great opportunity to spend quality time with family and friends. Most cities websites post the Holiday activities planed for that city. You can also check your local patch.com for Holiday activities occurring in your area.

Another place to check is your church if you belong to one. Many churches offer free Holiday activities to their members and to those who do not belong to their church. For example, during Hanukkah in Broadway Plaza in downtown Walnut Creek, each night they have singing, games for the children and food. This is all free and can be a very festive and fun time even if you are not Jewish.

Another thing to do is not place so much emphasis on gifts. Maybe set a limit on what people can spend or draw names out of a hat and you only buy for one person. You can also make gifts or give someone a card telling them what they mean to you and how they add to your life. This does not cost a great deal of money.

Finally, another thing you can do is to volunteer at the food bank or an organization such as, St. Anthony’s kitchen. This cost nothing and you can give back to your community. This can be a great family activity during the Holidays. The Holidays are a time to acknowledge everyone and that every person is important. They also are a time to share love and kindness with our community members. Sharing this experience with your family can be a very positive experience for you and your family. It can be a very special way to spend the Holidays. You are also teaching your children to treat every human dignity regardless of how much money they have or where they live.

Gratitude is a very important lesson to teach children. By not emphasizing gifts you can teach them to be grateful for what and who they have in lives. There are many children in the United States who are homeless or do not have enough to eat. Yes there are children who sleep on the streets in the United States and there parents have full time jobs. However, their jobs do not pay enough to cover all of their family expenses and the parents are often lucky to have the these jobs. In our family we take each child to a store so they can pick out a gift for a child who will not be receiving gifts this Holiday Season. This helps to educate them how fortunate they are and to have empathy and compassion for others. This is the spirit of the Holidays. Hopefully they remember this lesson all year and treat other’s in need with empathy and compassion.

These are just a few suggestions for how you can celebrate the Holidays without going into debt. These are also some ways of celebrating the Holidays in a more meaningful way rather spending a great deal of money and creating a great of stress for yourself and your family.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. For more information regarding Dr. Rubino’s work or his private practice visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com.