Month: June 2024

Making Therapy Optional is A Mistake

Making Therapy Optional is A Mistake

No one is perfect and no parent is perfect. Therefore, parents are going to make mistakes when they are raising their children. There is no reason to make a big issue about a mistake. The parents should learn from their mistake and hopefully this will improve their parenting skills. When 17 or 18 year old teens come into the office and are complaining about their parents mistakes, I point out that no parent is perfect and ask what good is it going to do to continue to blame their parents. Yes their parents made a mistake, but at 17 or 18, the teenager needs to resolve the issue. Is this fair, no. But, the world is not fair.

There is one mistake that parents make that they are responsible for making in regards to their children. Remember a child’s frontal lobes of their brains are not fully developed until the age of 25. The frontal lobes are the part of the brain responsible for handling abstract reasoning and for making rational decisions. So if their frontal lobes are not developed, why would you ask a child or teenager if they think they need therapy or not? They are not physically mature enough to make this decision for themselves, yet I see parents make this mistake daily.

Think about it do you ask your child if they want to get their yearly physical or go to the dentist? Children and teenagers complain all the time about physicals, getting immunizations or going to the dentist. Parents don’t say okay we will wait until you feel you need to go. Parents say it’s important that you go and I said you are going. This is a time as a parent you need to assert your authority as the parent to ensure that your child is healthy.

If you are noticing signs of depression or severe anxiety, why would you ask your child if they want to go to therapy? Most children are going to say no due to the stereotype associated with therapy. Yes a teen needs to feel comfortable with their therapist so asking if they are comfortable with a therapist makes sense. However asking if they want to go to therapy is a mistake. As a parent if you notice or the school notices a mental health issue and you consult a therapist, who confirms that your child needs therapy then it is your responsibility as a parent to get your child therapy.

Recently the Court found a mother and father guilty for a school shooting because they failed to get their son mental health care even though it was obvious that he needed therapy. If you are scheduling a conversation with a psychotherapist to determine if your child needs therapy, they need therapy. As a parent you would not go that far unless you are seeing issues that you are concerned about regarding your child’s behavior. Pick out to therapist that you are comfortable with and have your child select the one they feel most comfortable with talking to. Also follow the therapist’s instructions at the beginning. A psychotherapist needs approximately four assessment sessions before they can provide you with specific information. They may need longer if the teenager is being difficult to work with in therapy.

I understand it might sound harsh telling your child they are going to therapy and you are not discussing it. However, remember their brains are not mature enough to make this type of decision and how many times have you had to tell them they are doing what their primary care doctor or dentist said and you are not discussing it. Being a parent is very difficult in 2024. Also there is plenty of research indicating that children and teenagers need therapy. Remember the CDC has reported an epidemic of anxiety and depression in children and teenagers and suicide is the second leading cause of death in children 10 to 18 years old. So give them a choice of which psychotherapist they work with but do not make psychotherapy an option.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 25 years experience working with children, teenagers, trauma survivors including first responders. For more information about his work visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3

A Teenager Opens Up About His Drug Addiction

A Teenager Opens Up About His Drug Addiction

Teen drug addiction is a serious problem in our Country. Many parents assume they only need to worry about their teens in high school. However, this sadly is not the truth in today’s world. Many children in middle school are vaping and using Percocet and fentanyl. Therefore, we need to start drug education in elementary school and looking for the warning signs in elementary school. So parents can understand the issue clearly, I had someone who abused drugs to me their story. I have their story below so parents, teachers and teenagers can better understand the issue of drug addiction.

In high school, for a while, I was an A-list varsity athlete, the star of the show! But soon found the adrenaline rush couldn’t compare to what I got with drugs. And so, I befriended a group of teens who drank and did drugs as I did. They provided me with the sense of community I longed for. Something else I longed for? That warm fuzzy feeling I got when I mixed Percocet and Vicodin with alcohol. My “friends” encouraged me to shoot heroin because they said it was cheaper. Foolishly, I took their advice. At age 15, I was hooked.

After that, everything spiraled down to the lowest point in my life. I was arrested, expelled from high school, then kicked out of my house. For a long time, I lived under a busy freeway overpass, barely surviving on drugs, alcohol, and crime until I finally found the courage to get sober at age 24.

How to Watch Out for Teen Substance Abuse

Why am I telling you about my drug-addled childhood? My hope is that if you see your own child — or another teen in your community — struggling, or if you notice any of these warning signs of substance abuse, you’ll get them some help as early as possible.

There are many warning signs to look out for, but it ultimately all comes down to checking in on their mental health. No parent, teacher, sports coach, or neighbor had any idea that I was being bullied or molested. I didn’t tell them. I wonder what I would have told them if they asked.

I can only guess that they saw me as troubled and lost. But I wonder, what more would they have seen if they had paid attention to the clues? There were definitely physical clues of my hard drug use, but maybe they had no idea what to look for, or how to help..

News outlets across the country tell us that addiction numbers among today’s teens are high and climbing. If the teens in the recovery programs where I work are any indication, they have learned to hide their addictions well. They don’t all come from broken homes. They’re not all flunking out of school. They may or may not have suffered from significant trauma. Why do people use drugs? The answer may be unclear. Still, if you pay attention, you’ll likely pick up on the clues.

Here are some physical signs of addiction to look out for:

• Has the color and texture of your teen’s skin changed recently? If it looks dehydrated and extra oily, it might indicate they’re using methamphetamines.

• If your teen has lost a lot of weight and they appear very fatigued, this might indicate they’re under the steady influence of hard drugs.

• What do their eyes tell you? Opiates make irises shrink. Stimulants completely dilate them. Are they using lots of eye drops? Oftentimes, teens will use them to try to mask the effect.

Other signs of potential substance use:

• Are you missing large sums of money?

• Is your teen failing or ditching classes?

• Is your teen sleeping in longer or staying up later?

• Have they suddenly lost interest in the things they used to love?

If any of this is occurring, please ask questions. Get them mental health counseling to find out why they are lashing out in these ways.

Even if nothing is amiss, I encourage you to find ways to challenge your teen in healthy ways, especially your adrenaline junkies and your athletes. Also, have open conversations about drug and alcohol temptations. Sometimes kids try something without realizing how dangerous it can be.

I was a teen addict who went through a lot of trauma and I managed to come out the other side. I’m lucky, and I don’t know why. But in my recovery, I decided to dedicate my life to helping other addicts — people who struggle both physically and mentally, like me. Part of helping teens is to help adults realize that every teen addict has a story and deeply longs for some adult to spot the signs of their addiction and to help them. Maybe with more open sharing and compassion, kids like me will get the help they need.

This is only one story about a teenager and their experience with drugs. There are many more stories from many other teenagers. If you feel a teenager in your life is using drugs don’t ignore the issue. Sit down and have a calm, serious conversation. Please do not make accusations or give lectures. This will cause a teen to shut down and you will lose the opportunity to help them find help.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 25 years experience treating children, teenagers, trauma survivors including first responders. For more information about his private practice and work please visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Smartphones as Graduation Gifts

Smartphones as Graduation Gifts

It’s the end of the school year and 5th grader are being promoted to middle school, 8th graders are being promoted to high school and High School Seniors are graduating High School. Most of these students will be receiving gifts for their accomplishments and a very popular gift is a Smartphone such as an iPhone. Many teens may have a cellphone but they feel a cellphone is not sufficient enough for their needs. They believe that they need an iPhone or its equivalent. If they have an IPhone already, they want to upgrade to the newest version. In today’s society many people including teenagers view cell phones as a necessity of life. I have seen teenagers argue with their parents how they could not function at school or in life without their cellphones. In fact, some teenagers become physically violent, if you take their cellphone away. Most teenagers also say they need Smatphones, and a regular cellphone will not work for them. However, in my opinion, cellphones, especially Smartphones, are a privilege not a necessity. We need to remember that fact. Yes for some parents it is a tool they use to keep in contact with their child and for their child to use if they feel they are in danger. With school shootings happening daily many parents do want a way to stay in contact with their child in case of an emergency. A regular cellphone will do this, it doesn’t have to be an IPhone 15Pro. However, since we are dealing with what I call the IPhone generation, most teenagers will not be satisfied and will feel cheated unless they have the latest version of the Smartphone on the market.

Students in middle school or high school will be asking to upgrade their phones. As I stated above, they feel they need the latest version otherwise they cannot function successfully in their lives. Therefore, many children will be asking for the IPhone 15Pro for example. Most children and teenagers who are asking for these expensive phones usually never consider the price. They believe they are entitled to have the latest Smartphone. One problem many children and teenagers neglect is inflation is high right now and many families can barely afford their rent let alone $1000 for an iPhone. In fact, many cellphone providers such as, Verizon, offer a plan where you make monthly payments so you can automatically upgrade to the newest Smartphone when it is released. However, the fact is middle and high school students do not need a powerful smartphone, they are not running a business. Additionally, Smartphones provide numerous ways for teenagers to get into trouble. Look at how many adults get into trouble with Smartphones and how they use them. Additionally, many teenagers know how to hide the content on their phones, the apps they have on their phones and they also usually know how to get around most parental controls that parents install on their children’s smartphones.

Many people have forgotten that cellphones are privileges not necessities especially for teens and children in fifth grade or in Middle School. They have grown up with everyone having a cellphone so they don’t see it as a privilege any more. This is a common argument I encounter between children and parents. Also it is common for children and teenagers to use guilt with their parents in order to get the phones they want. They tell their parents if they cared, they would buy them the smartphone they need and want. Remember being a parent is not a popularity contest. Additionally, if their parents are divorced, they often will play their parents against each other as away to get the cellphone they want. Furthermore, many teenagers do not consider how much these phones cost. Additionally, the amount of money you spend on gifts for your child or teenager has no correlation with your love for your children or teenagers. As a parent you need to do what you feel is best for your child.

Parents if you stop and think about it, why does an 11 year old child need an IPhone 15Pro? They do not need to track mileage or expense accounts nor do they need to remember their own doctor appointments. There is really no reason they need a Smartphone. Also if you do get them one, they do not need it with them all the time. It is important to set limits where and when they use their phones. Why do they need their cellphone when they go to bed? Most teens who take their cellphones to bed will typically spend hours texting friends or watching YouTube. When morning comes, they are too tired to get up because they were awake until 3am playing with their phone.

Smartphones are an area where technology has moved faster than our ethics. If you think about it, IPhones and Smartphones were not around in the year 2000. Now everyone including a majority of children in fifth grade and teens have an IPhone or Smartphone. In my opinion an adolescent does not need a cellphone until they enter Middle School and at that point all they need is a basic cellphone. They need a basic phone so they can check-in with you if their plans change or if they feel they are in need of help. Also remember since they have grown up with this technology, they know how to use it better than most adults. As I mentioned above this means they can hide things on their phones that they don’t want parents to see and do it very easily.

As I stated above, there is no reason that a teenager really needs a Smartphone. They are not taking care of a family nor are they running a business. Therefore, a basic cellphone should be adequate for what they need it for. I understand that given the way our society has changed some parents may find that it is helpful to their family if a child in middle school has a cellphone. This is a decision that every parent needs to make based on their family’s situation.

The parent needs to make this decision, not let the child guilt them into buying them a cell phone. If you are divorced and have children, this may be extremely difficult, but the decision about if your child gets a cellphone or not, should be a joint decision by both parents and a decision you both agree on. One parent should not buy a cellphone without consulting the other parent and they should not use it as a weapon in the divorce.

If you decide that your middle school child is mature enough for a cellphone, you should discuss the rules and guidelines about using the phone prior to getting a phone. Some things to discuss are who they give their cell number to, not texting during class and not taking it into the bedroom at night so they can text most of the night. As I stated, many kids will text with their friends until 2 or 3 am and then be too tired for school the next day.

Also there should be a discussion about sharing photos. You never know what someone will do with a photo if they get mad with you. Also there needs to be a discussion about the law. It is not uncommon for teens to send their boyfriend/girlfriend nude photos of themselves. What they don’t understand is they are under the age of 18 years old. Therefore, if they have a nude picture of their 15 year old girlfriend, they can be charged with possession of child pornography. Many may say this won’t happen to me, but I have had a number of teens in psychotherapy because they were charged with having child pornography. Also you need to remember, once those pictures are out on the internet, they are out there forever. There also needs to be a discussion about on-line perpetrators too. There are many pedophiles on line trying to lure unsuspecting teens into their plans. Your children need to understand this is a real risk and what to watch for.

Finally, it should be made clear that the phone does not belong to the child — the phone belongs to you the parent. Yes you are giving them the phone to use, but it still belongs to you. If you ask for it back, then the child hands it over no questions asked. Also if you feel they are using their phone in an inappropriate manner, all you need to do is call your cellphone carrier and request that their phone line be suspended. It cost you nothing and it is an easy way to control the phone. When you feel that your child has earned the right to have the cellphone back all you do is call your carrier to reinstate that phone line.

It is very important that you and your teen have an agreement about conditions regarding their cellphone use. All of these conditions and agreements should be written down in an agreement that you sign and the child signs. You each get a copy of the agreement and one copy is posted on the refrigerator. If there are any disputes about a rule, you simply go back to the agreement and you follow what is written. A written agreement is very important because I have seen parents have conversations, make agreements and then 6 months later there is a disagreement and everyone’s memory is slightly different so you have a big fight.

Also given how many adults have gotten into trouble with their Smartphones, if you are going to allow your child to use any kind of cellphone you must discuss the pros and cons so the child or teen understands the responsibility they are assuming, if you allow them to use a smartphone.

Below I have included a sample contract that you can use with your child and modify as you need:

Cellphone Contract

I, child’s name, will not bring my cellphone to the family dinner table.

I will not go over our plan’s monthly minutes or text message limits. If I do, I understand that I may be responsible for paying any additional charges or that I may lose my cellphone privileges.

I understand that I am responsible for knowing where my phone is, and for keeping it in good condition.

I understand that my cellphone may be taken away if I talk back to my parents, I fail to do my chores, or I fail to keep my grades up.

I will obey rules of etiquette regarding cellphones in public places. I will make sure my phone is turned off when I am in church, in restaurants, or quiet settings.

I will obey any rules my school has regarding cellphones, such as turning them off during class, or keeping them on vibrate while riding the school bus.

I promise I will alert my parents when I receive suspicious or alarming phone calls or text messages from people I don’t know. I will also alert my parents if I am being harassed by someone via my cellphone.

I will not use my cellphone to bully another person.

I will send no more than _____ texts per day I understand that having a cellphone can be helpful in a emergency, but I know that I must still practice good judgment and make good choices that will keep me out of trouble or out of danger.

I will not send embarrassing photos of my family or friends to others. In addition, I will not use my phone’s camera to take embarrassing photos of others. I understand that having a cell phone is a privilege, and that if I fail to adhere to this contract, my cell phone privilege may be revoked.

Parent Responsibilities I understand that I will make myself available to answer any questions my tween might have about owning a cellphone and using it responsibly.

I will support my child when he or she alerts me to an alarming message or text message that he or she has received. I will alert my child if our cellphone plan changes and impacts the plan’s minutes.

I will give my child _______ warning(s) before I take his or her cellphone away

Signed ______________________________ (Tween) Signed ______________________________ (Parents). Date ______________________________

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist who has been working with children, middle school and high school students for over 25 years. He is considered an expert in this field. Dr. Rubino is one of the founding members of the National Alive & Free Program, a program designed to work with teens. For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino’s work and private practice visit his website at www.rcs-ca.com or www.rubinocounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or his podcasts on Spotify or Apple.

Teenagers Being Themselves

Teenagers Being Themselves

As I have said before, the teenagers in this generation are different from past generations. One way they are different are they question the “norm” and they are setting new standards. One area where they have set new standards is in the area of sexuality. Since June is Gay Pride Month let’s look at teenagers and their sexuality. Yes people still identify as gay, lesbian and bisexual, but we have more teenagers identifying as transgender, transsexual and pansexual. Pansexual is a person who is sexually attracted to the person’s personality their gender does not matter.In fact, some teenagers even identify as asexual. Additionally, we have more teenagers who do not identify as male or female. They identify as nonbinary. They feel they have male and female attributes therefore they feel the old labels are too narrow. As a result, they identify as nonbinary so they can be themselves. In fact, you may have noticed this change on demographic forms you need to complete. For gender more people are being given the option to put nonbinary or decline to state.

With demographic forms changing it is a sign that society is acknowledging what teenagers are feeling. We also see this in a recent Supreme Court ruling guaranteeing gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people are entitled to the same protection on their jobs as everyone else. The Supreme Court is acknowledging the change in society and this is correct. Homosexual marriage has been legal in our country for a few years and there are many laws addressing the rights of transgender and transexual individuals. These laws are acknowledging that regardless of sexual orientation, we are all human beings entitled to the same rights.However, we have Governors and even Judges on the Supreme Court who are causing people to doubt will the laws protecting those who are not heterosexual remain laws or will the Governors and the Supreme Court revoke these laws that protect everyone regardless of their sexuality or gender.

Some parents are questioning why so many teenagers are questioning their sexuality. The truth, in my opinion, is due to the pandemic and quarantine. There have always been teenagers who identified as LGBTQ+, but they were afraid to say anything due to the discrimination they would face from people. However, spending two years isolated from the world gave many of us time to think and evaluate our lives. Many people have decided to change careers, get divorced and make other changes in their lives after having the time the pandemic gave us to re-evaluate our lives. In my opinion, many LGBTQ+ teenagers decided they were tired of denying their real feelings and identities so the quarantine period gave many the opportunity to decide they were going to stop hiding and be themselves. Therefore, there are not more LGBTQ+ teenagers in the world today, there are simply more teenagers choosing to be themselves.

While there has been progress is it enough? As a psychotherapist who treats adolescents, I would say no. I still have parents who bring their teenager who identifies as homosexual or transgender into therapy. They do not bring the teen in for therapy to help them deal with the social pressures they are encountering at school and other places. No they bring their teen into me so I can fix them. Many parents still consider these feelings to be a teenage phase or that someone convinced their child to think and feel this way. Unfortunately, we are seeing this idea in some of our schools, where parents are trying to ban classic novels and make it a crime for teachers to mention anything that remotely refers to LBGT+ issues or people. One classic novel parents are trying to ban is the book, “To Kill a Mockingbird.” As I stated parents are also trying to restrict what is discussed in high school classes because they believe the school is try to convince their child to change their sexuality.Why would someone select a sexual preference that opens them up to discrimination and possibly being killed? When I explain to parents there is nothing to fix, many parents do not believe me. They tell me they will take their teen to someone who will fix them.

To increase the confusion, some high schools have LGBTQ+ clubs and restrooms for transgender students. So at some high schools teenagers who are coming out publicly and stating they are not heterosexual, are being accepted as part of the student body and at others they need to hide their sexuality because they are afraid of being harassed or killed. Being a teenager is tough enough without adding this type of confusion into their lives.

It is true that at times during adolescence or young adulthood, college age, that some people may have doubts about their sexuality and may even experiment. Just because some teens do question doesn’t mean every teenager questions. Think back to when you were a teenager, sexual feelings were very confusing. Therefore, some teens do question. However, I also have seen many teens who are not questioning. I have worked with many teens who know their sexuality for sure. They are not questioning and many of these teens tell me they have known their sexuality since they were little children.This occurs with teenagers who are heterosexual, homosexual and transgender.

When parents still believe that their teens can be fixed and teens are still being harassed and bullied at school due to their sexual feelings, I do not think we have made a lot of progress. In addition to the harassment at school, we have seen a significant increase in the number of violent attacks against transgender teenagers (CDC, Trevor Project). Yes some progress has been made, but we still need to make more progress.No one should be killed just because they don’t identify as heterosexual.

One example that indicates we still need to make progress is suicide. The suicide rate for teenagers in general has increased from the third leading cause of death to the second leading cause of death. However, the rate is much different for homosexual or transgender teenagers. It is estimated that the suicide rate for teens who identify as homosexual, transgender, transsexual or questioning is five times the rate of the “average” teenager (The Trevor Project)). Think about this, for the general population of teens suicide is the second leading cause of death and those who identify as LGBT+ are five times more likely than the average teen to commit suicide. This is a significant difference and a large number of deaths by suicide. More importantly it means there are millions of teens killing themselves due to their sexual feelings and stereotypes that are outdated. Also the five times is an estimate. Many teens who attempt or commit suicide may have told no one about their sexual feelings. Also sexuality cannot be determined by an autopsy. Therefore, the number is probably higher.

Another fact which indicates we still have work to do is that teenagers who identify as homosexual or transgender have few places to go to for help. Many are afraid to seek therapy from a private therapist because they are afraid the therapist will tell their parents. Legally a psychotherapist cannot tell parents if their teen is questioning their sexuality, but many teens are not willing to take that chance. There are very few non-profit groups dedicated to the topic because stereotypes still exist and our society doesn’t put a great deal of emphasis on psychotherapy. I practice in the East Bay Area of San Francisco and I only know of one non-profit, the Rainbow Center, which provides services to teenagers who are questioning their sexuality.

It is 2024 and teenagers should not have to be dealing with these stereotypes at home and at school and there should be support services available. We need to eliminate the stigma associated with sexuality and mental health, we need to educate parents and schools about teenagers sexuality and we need more mental health services for teens. As psychotherapist we need to do a better job of educating the public that if a teenager tells us they are homosexual or transsexual or transgender, we cannot break confidentiality. Meaning we can tell no one not even there parents. We also need to educate parents this is not a disease that we cure. Sexuality is a normal part of being a human being and there are various forms of sexuality and they are all normal. However, when you have states creating laws eliminating transgender individuals of their basic rights as a person and people not concerned about the increasing violence against transgender teenagers, how is a LGBTQ+ teen going to have any hope of being able to live a happy life as themselves and not have to hide their entire lives. Again, think about those suicide rates and how many teens we lose every year because of a stereotype. This is ridiculous!!

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over twenty five years experience treating children, teenagers, trauma victims including first responders.. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.