Dads Help Children Mature into Adults

Dads Help Children Mature into Adults

We have all heard very often how important a mother is to a child especially a young child. While this is true Dads are just as important to children and young children. I say Dad because any man can father a child, but it takes work to be a Dad to a child.

Because of the stereotype we have about men in our culture, Dads are often not considered to be important in children’s lives. We tend to focus on mothers and what they provide children. Also because men tend to work a lot and have a tendency not to express emotions, many people assume Dads are usually not emotionally available to children.

However, if we look at the stereotype it also demonstrates why Dads are important. Dads are the male role models to their sons. Dads teach their sons how to treat women, their wives and their children. They teach their sons how a man is supposed to act in relationships and react to people in general.

Dads are also role models for their daughters. Their daughters see how their Dads treat their Moms. This is the first example girls have of how they should be treated in an intimate relationship. If their Dad is verbally and physically abusive, they will most likely expect their boyfriend or husband to treat them that way. Additionally, if girls are exposed to a Dad who is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive, they are more likely to have low self-esteem as adults and be bullied as a child. Boys also are more likely to suffer from low self-esteem and be bullies, if their Dad is verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.

Additionally, boys tend to look for validation from their Dads that they are doing a good job developing into an adult man. If their Dad is not emotionally available, many boys interpret this as they are a failure to their Dad and they become hurt and angry. Since men and boys tend to have difficulties expressing their emotions, because men don’t express sadness or similar emotions, they tend to express these emotions as anger. In other words, boys and men tend to project their pain onto others.

If we change our mind set and see how valuable a Dad is to kids then may be Dads can start meeting the emotional needs of their children and families. However, this requires men to stop living up to the stereotype society has about how men are supposed to act. Since men tend to focus on the stereotype about male behavior, they tend to pass this stereotype on to their sons.

I have a friend who was able to ignore the male stereotype and write a wonderful poem to his son. He wanted his son never to doubt how he felt about him and he wanted to make sure he shared it with his son. What a tremendous gift he gave to his son! Also what a fantastic role model he is being to his son about how to be a Dad.

I asked for his permission to print it here and he graciously said yes. I hope other Dads will read this and share a gift like this with their son or daughter. Also I hope it helps to eliminate the false stereotypes we have about Dads.

I never want this to go unsaid, about my son,
So here in this poem, for all to hear
There are no words to express how much you mean to me,
with a smile upon my face, and warm feelings in my heart, I must declare!
A son like you, always polite and full of joy,I thought could never be.
Since the day you were born, I just knew you were like a mini me,
from your first breath I knew,
God sent me a blessing- and that was you.
For this I thank him every day,
You are the true definition of a son, in every way.
Your kindness and caring with love for all,
you give my life meaning, for us to share.
Becoming your father has shown me a new sense of being.
I want you to know that you were the purpose of my life,
Turning everything I ‘am – into a happy place.
Always remember that I know how much you care,
I can tell by the bond that we share.
For a son like you there could be no other,
And whether we are together or apart,
Please do not ever forget-
You will always have a piece of my heart.

This is a fantastic example of a Dad!

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with 20 years experience working with children & teens. He is an expert in this area of treatment. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website at http://www.rcs-ca.com, http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or follow him on Facebook http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or on Twitter @RubinoTherapy.

Helping Children Cope with Anxiety during the Pandemic

Helping Children Cope with Anxiety during the Pandemic

Anxiety is a common issue for children especially during the quarantine and having to attend school from home. Remember children’s imaginations are very active. During the last few months we have had little to no information about how the Coronavirus works. Therefore, there has not been a lot to explain to children and they have heard a lot on the news. Many parents tell me they have limited the access to news but with their IPads, phones and friends, they hear more than we are aware of. Also don’t forget, prior to the pandemic the children were dealing with mass shootings on a daily basis. Therefore, there is a lot going on to cause anxiety in children.

According to the CDC and what I have seen in my office, anxiety is at epidemic levels for children. The most common reason children are coming into therapy right now is anxiety or depression. Many parents want to know what they can do in between therapy sessions to help their child with their anxiety. I ran across an acronym by Lori Lite that is designed to help children who are anxious. The acronym is ASSURE. I will explain what is stand for and how to use it below.

A – Align with your child
 with their body language
 with their tone and volume of speech
 validate their feelings
S – Share your experience
your feelings in stressful moments
mistakes you’ve made and how you emerged from them
how you cope with stress in day-to-day situation
perspective you’ve gained from seeing “this too shall pass”
S – Skills-training
give them words for feelings and worries
get them involved in appropriate exercise and activities to release stress
teach and model coping strategies like visualization, deep breathing, positive imagery
U – Uncover stress-related signs and symptoms
body aches – head, stomach
irritability and mood change
appetite change
sleep changes
R – Reassure them
that they’ll come through
that you’re there for them
that you’re proud of the effort they’re investing in calming and coping
things will normalize – recall examples
E – Engage the topic when they’re calm
listen to what they say and don’t say
respect their process in overcoming stress and worry
brainstorm options while they’re calm, since that’s when the “thinking” part of the brain is turned on.
This may not eliminate their anxiety all together, but it should help reduce their anxiety. Also remember if their anxiety is severe also seek psychotherapy for your child with a therapist who specializes in treating children. Psychotherapy can now be done via telemedicine so there is no risk of exposing them to the virus. Between the mass shootings and the pandemic caused by the Coronavirus, our children are living through historic times. We have never experienced events like we currently are experiencing so there should be no surprise that children may need psychotherapy at this time.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers. His practice does offer telemedicine. For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website at http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Try Looking at the Quarantine as a Gift

Try Looking at the Quarantine as a Gift

Many people are tired of being quarantined and demanding that the quarantine be ended. However, medical experts argue that it is too soon. They have stated if we are not careful with the virus there will be a worse wave during the winter and eventually 70% of the people in the United States could contract the virus. While the medical facts are being debated, we can look at and take advantage of the opportunities provided by the quarantine.

Yes, I am not crazy, the quarantine does offer us some great opportunities. Typically we most of us live in a very fast past, chaotic lifestyle. Many times when I try to schedule a psychotherapy appointment for a ten year old child, it is very difficult. Between school, homework and after school sports, most kids are on at least two teams, we can barely find time to schedule a psychotherapy appointment. Now with the quarantine in place we can all take a break and slow down. We can also look at what we have been missing.

A major area to evaluate is your family. Prior to the quarantine, an average family of four did not eat dinner together and spent very little time together. Parents typically saw their children either when they were driving them to school or to practice for a sport. Also spouses often saw each other in the morning on the way out to work and in the evening when they were going to bed. It was not uncommon to hear the primary way that a married couple communicated was via text and email. This communication pattern often extended to their teenagers too.

I have heard from many families that because of the quarantine they have time to talk to each other. So take advantage of this time have game nights, movie nights and reconnect to your children and spouse. Amazon sells games which provide the beginning of a sentence and then the person must finish it. Children and teenagers love this game and it’s a great way to reconnect and find out what is going on in their lives. Also if you look at my Facebook site I have posted several handouts that do the same thing. You and your spouse can do this at a separate time so the two of you can reconnect. Hopefully you will see what you have been missing and make it a routine. So when the quarantine is ended, you could dedicate at least one night where the entire family has dinner together and you spend the evening together playing a game or talking.

Besides reconnecting with your family, you can try to reconnect with friends and extended family. Use your phone to call someone and see how they are doing and what has been going on in their lives. You can use FaceTime or Zoom so it feels more personal. Post on your Facebook page that you want to reconnect and encourage people to message you or call. We spend so much time working, many of us find it very difficult to spend time with friends or extended family. The quarantine gives us that time. Therefore, make the most of it. Typically if you were at home for a week it would be because you are sick. If you are sick, you won’t feel like reaching out to others. The quarantine gives you plenty of time to reach out to others. Therefore, take advantage of the time you have been given.

Finally, you can use this time to re-evaluate your life and how you are spending your time. Are you doing what you really want to do? Do you find you enjoy family time and time with friends? Are you satisfied with your job? Is there a hobby you want to start or try? These are all things you now have time to think about. You may find you are very happy with your life prior to the quarantine or you may decide there are some changes you want to make. If you are not content with how you are living your life, this can lead to depression, drinking problems, gambling addictions, anything to take your mind off the fact that you are not happy. The quarantine gives you time to decide if you are happy or not and if not what you want to do about it. Therefore, my recommendation to people is stop complaining about the quarantine and make use of the time you have been given. Yes the quarantine is boring, but it is necessary for our health. This may help us understand our children and teenagers when we say no to them. Therefore, look at this time as a gift and re-evaluate your life. Take advantage of this time. It maybe the best thing you have ever done for yourself and family.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children, teenagers and victims of trauma. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Coping with Mental Health Issues Created by the Coronavirus

Coping with Mental Health Issues Created by the Coronavirus

The fear of contracting the coronavirus and the fear of the unknown consequences if you do contract the virus is placing many people under a great deal of stress. In addition to the fear of contracting the virus, many worry about transmitting the virus to family members over 65 or family members who have preexisting medical conditions. Adding to this stress is the fact that you may have the virus and not have any symptoms. Therefore, you may have the virus, feel fine and be transmitting the virus to numerous people because you are unaware that you have the virus. Normally, people could be tested to find out if they have a virus or medical condition that is contagious. However, in the situation we are currently in, we do not have the option of getting tested for the virus. Therefore, you have to live with the uncertainty.

Besides the worry and stress about contracting the coronavirus, we also must deal with the quarantine. Our everyday lives have been turned upside down. Many of us are not able to see loved ones and friends like we usually would do. Furthermore, many people cannot work and are worrying about how they are going to pay their bills and buy food. This is another stressor for us and that is food. Many of us are going to grocery stores finding the shelves empty. People are hoarding food even toilet paper because they are afraid stores may close or stores will not be able to get merchandise anymore. Finally, being stuck living with the same people day after day without a break from each other causes stress and arguments.

The Mayo Clinic has been studying the impact that the virus and quarantine have on us and our mental health. Here is what they found:

Stress is a normal psychological and physical reaction to the demands of life. Everyone reacts differently to difficult situations, and it’s normal to feel stress and worry during a crisis. But multiple challenges daily, such as the effects of the COVID-19 pandemic, can push you beyond your ability to cope.

Many people may have mental health concerns, such as symptoms of anxiety and depression during this time. And feelings may change over time.

Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling helpless, sad, angry, irritable, hopeless, anxious or afraid. You may have trouble concentrating on typical tasks, changes in appetite, body aches and pains, or difficulty sleeping or you may struggle to face routine chores.

When these signs and symptoms last for several days in a row, make you miserable and cause problems in your daily life so that you find it hard to carry out normal responsibilities, it’s time to ask for help.

Get help when you need it

Hoping mental health problems such as anxiety or depression will go away on their own can lead to worsening symptoms. If you have concerns or if you experience worsening of mental health symptoms, ask for help when you need it, and be upfront about how you’re doing. To get help you may want to:

• Call or use social media to contact a close friend or loved one — even though it may be hard to talk about your feelings.

• Contact a minister, spiritual leader or someone in your faith community.

• Contact your employee assistance program, if your employer has one, and get counseling or ask for a referral to a mental health professional.

• Call your primary care provider or mental health professional to ask about appointment options to talk about your anxiety or depression and get advice and guidance. Some may provide the option of phone, video or online appointments.

• Contact organizations such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) or the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) for help and guidance.

If you’re feeling suicidal or thinking of hurting yourself, seek help. Contact your primary care provider or a mental health professional. Or call a suicide hotline. In the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or use its webchat at suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat.

Continue your self-care strategies

You can expect your current strong feelings to fade when the pandemic is over, but stress won’t disappear from your life when the health crisis of COVID-19 ends. Continue these self-care practices to take care of your mental health and increase your ability to cope with life’s ongoing challenges.

In addition to the facts above, people who have the virus have been reporting feeling anxious and depressed. They have also reported the virus has impaired their ability to make decisions. The bottom line the virus is creating mental health issues for those dealing with the quarantine, first responders, medical personnel and people with the virus. We are focusing on getting the virus under control which we must do. However, after we get control of the virus, we will need to address the mental health issues created by this pandemic. At this point, we have no idea how many will need mental health care and for how long. Therefore, as we focus on finding a cure, we may want to start to prepare for the mental health issues which will occur after the quarantine.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating trauma victims and teenagers. For more information about his work or his private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Coping with Mental Health Issues Created by the Coronavirus

Coping with Mental Health Issues Created by the Coronavirus

The fear of contracting the coronavirus and the fear of the unknown consequences if you do contract the virus is placing many people under a great deal of stress. In addition to the fear of contracting the virus, many worry about transmitting the virus to family members over 65 or family members who have preexisting medical conditions. Adding to this stress is the fact that you may have the virus and not have any symptoms. Therefore, you may have the virus, feel fine and be transmitting the virus to numerous people because you are unaware that you have the virus. Normally, people could be tested to find out if they have a virus or medical condition that is contagious. However, in the situation we are currently in, we do not have the option of getting tested for the virus. Therefore, you have to live with the uncertainty.

Besides the worry and stress about contracting the coronavirus, we also must deal with the quarantine. Our everyday lives have been turned upside down. Many of us are not able to see loved ones and friends like we usually would do. Furthermore, many people cannot work and are worrying about how they are going to pay their bills and buy food. This is another stressor for us and that is food. Many of us are going to grocery stores finding the shelves empty. People are hoarding food even toilet paper because they are afraid stores may close or stores will not be able to get merchandise anymore. Finally, being stuck living with the same people day after day without a break from each other causes stress and arguments.

The Mayo Clinic has been studying the impact that the virus and quarantine have on us and our mental health. Here is what they found:

Stress is a normal psychological and physical reaction to the demands of life. Everyone reacts differently to difficult situations, and it’s normal to feel stress and worry during a crisis. But multiple challenges daily, such as the effects of the COVID-19 pandemic, can push you beyond your ability to cope.

Many people may have mental health concerns, such as symptoms of anxiety and depression during this time. And feelings may change over time.

Despite your best efforts, you may find yourself feeling helpless, sad, angry, irritable, hopeless, anxious or afraid. You may have trouble concentrating on typical tasks, changes in appetite, body aches and pains, or difficulty sleeping or you may struggle to face routine chores.

When these signs and symptoms last for several days in a row, make you miserable and cause problems in your daily life so that you find it hard to carry out normal responsibilities, it’s time to ask for help.

Get help when you need it

Hoping mental health problems such as anxiety or depression will go away on their own can lead to worsening symptoms. If you have concerns or if you experience worsening of mental health symptoms, ask for help when you need it, and be upfront about how you’re doing. To get help you may want to:

• Call or use social media to contact a close friend or loved one — even though it may be hard to talk about your feelings.

• Contact a minister, spiritual leader or someone in your faith community.

• Contact your employee assistance program, if your employer has one, and get counseling or ask for a referral to a mental health professional.

• Call your primary care provider or mental health professional to ask about appointment options to talk about your anxiety or depression and get advice and guidance. Some may provide the option of phone, video or online appointments.

• Contact organizations such as the National Alliance on Mental Illness (NAMI) or the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration (SAMHSA) for help and guidance.

If you’re feeling suicidal or thinking of hurting yourself, seek help. Contact your primary care provider or a mental health professional. Or call a suicide hotline. In the U.S., call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1-800-273-TALK (1-800-273-8255) or use its webchat at suicidepreventionlifeline.org/chat.

Continue your self-care strategies

You can expect your current strong feelings to fade when the pandemic is over, but stress won’t disappear from your life when the health crisis of COVID-19 ends. Continue these self-care practices to take care of your mental health and increase your ability to cope with life’s ongoing challenges.

In addition to the facts above, people who have the virus have been reporting feeling anxious and depressed. They have also reported the virus has impaired their ability to make decisions. The bottom line the virus is creating mental health issues for those dealing with the quarantine, first responders, medical personnel and people with the virus. We are focusing on getting the virus under control which we must do. However, after we get control of the virus, we will need to address the mental health issues created by this pandemic. At this point, we have no idea how many will need mental health care and for how long. Therefore, as we focus on finding a cure, we may want to start to prepare for the mental health issues which will occur after the quarantine.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating trauma victims and teenagers. For more information about his work or his private practice visit his website www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Guns Will Not Cure the Coronavirus

Guns Will Not Cure the Coronavirus

Being under quarantine can be a very stressful and scary situation. It has changed all of our daily routines plus we have no idea how long the quarantine will last and how many people will become sick or die. The last time our country experienced anything similar to this was the Spanish flu in 1918. Therefore, no one has any experience with a pandemic since the last one was in 1918 and most of us were not a live at that time.

As a result, of fear and no one being able to answer how long this will continue, people are hoarding. If you go to the grocery store bleach, Kleenex and toilet paper cannot be kept on the shelves. Stores are having to limit how many bottles of bleach or packages of toilet paper people can buy at one time. This hoarding will not stop you from getting the coronavirus, but it does add to the hysteria. People watch the news and see the empty shelves so when they go to the store they also start hoarding. They are afraid with all the empty shelves that they may not be able to buy what they need in the future. Additional hysteria is not what we need right now.

This hysteria is increasing anxiety in children too. They see the news and hear people talking about not being able to buy toilet paper in addition to hearing this week that all schools are closed for the year and this makes them anxious. I hear about this anxiety in their sessions. Additionally, they tell me they are afraid that people will break into their homes to steal toilet paper. I have been telling them they do not need to worry about such things and the situation is not that bad. However, I can no longer say this to the children.

Today it was reported that since the quarantine has started there has been a significant increase in gun sales. Stores that sell guns are reporting it has been a long time since so many people have been coming in and buying guns. Children hear this and their fears about someone breaking into their homes seem possible.

This is a scary and anxious time for everyone. We do not need to add to the anxiety or hysteria regarding the coronavirus. The virus is a medical condition and will require medicine or medical treatments to cure it. A gun will not cure the virus, but guns will add to the hysteria about the virus and possible other unfortunate situations.

During times such as the quarantine, depression, anxiety and incidents of domestic violence do increase and this increase has been documented by research studies and the CDC. Therefore, guns around the house during quarantine can increase the odds of a suicide attempt, someone being shot accidentally or even someone being killed by a gun shot. Therefore, while being quarantined does provoke anxiety and is scary because we do not know exactly what is happening, we do not want to add to the anxiety. Therefore, before you buy a gun, stop and think. Will it help end the quarantine? No. Is a role of toilet paper worth taking the risk of someone attempting suicide or being killed by accident? No. What will the gun do? It will add to the anxiety and fear people are experiencing especially children. Therefore, its probably better not to buy the gun and look around your community and look at how you can help at this time. Maybe helping an older neighbor who needs help shopping or carrying grocery items into their house. This would be a better use of your time than buying a gun. Finally, we do not need a mass shooting incident while everyone is being quarantined. You never know what will happen when a gun is around.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience and specializes in treating children, teenagers and dealing with trauma incidents. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his website at www.RubinoCounseling.com or his facebook page at www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

Quarantine and Family Arguments

Quarantine and Family Arguments

Many parents, who have teenagers, often encounter power struggles with their teenager. Typically the power struggle occurs because the teenager disagrees with the limits their parents are setting. Many parents get frustrated by the power struggles, but teenagers at times enjoy the power struggle. If they get their parents into an argument most parents forget the main point of the discussion and the teenager wins.

This is the situation which occurs in normal life. However, we are not living during normal times. We are dealing with a pandemic and a majority of our Country is on quarantine. In California the initial quarantine period was three weeks, however now the date has been extended to May 1st. By this time many families are tired of bing house bound and it is easy for siblings to start fighting with each other and for parents to be losing their patience with the kids fighting and complaining they are bored.

At this point, it is important for parents to remember that a teenager’s brain is not fully developed. The prefrontal cortex is still developing in teenagers. This part of the brain is responsible for reasoning and other executive functions such as making decisions. Therefore, while teenagers look mature enough to have a reasonable conversation with, their brains may not be mature enough. To put it another way, you are not debating the house rules regarding the quarantine with a 16 year old, you are debating the rules with a fifth grader in terms of their emotional development. Therefore, they are more likely to argue and to be disrespectful. However, an argument is not always bad. There are ways to have a healthy arguments and avoid destructive, hurtful arguments. Most of us never learned how the have a healthy, reasonable disagreement. Many people may think this idea is crazy, but it’s not.

Many people feel that a disagreement or fight is always is a bad thing for a relationship. However, this is not true. Especially now, with everyone being locked up together there are bound to be things that irritate everyone. Instead of ignoring these issues until everyone is screaming and yelling. It is better to address these issues in a healthy manner and lower everyone’s stress level. Besides lowering the stress level in the house, you are modeling for your teenager how to have a reasonable discussion about differences of opinions without having to say hurtful things to each other.

As I stated above, parents who are dealing with teenagers and children need to remember that for teenagers and childrens their Frontal Lobes in their brains are still developing. Therefore, they cannot always reason like adults and often have difficulties having fair disagreements. This is one of the reasons fair fighting was developed. I have included a list by TherapyAid.com which explains fair fighting rules.

Yes this might sound odd, but you can have a disagreement that is fair. You do not always need to use insults or not listen to each other. By using these rules, you and your teenager may be able to resolve an issue or at least come to an understanding without saying things that will hurt one another. You can also teach your children how to use these rules with each other. This should help reduce fighting between siblings.

Parents what I suggest is that you sit down with these rules with your family and discuss that you would like to start to using these rules in your family. Explain that the quarantine is difficult on everyone and these rules can help make this time a little easier. DTake the time and go over each rule so you both understand the rules. Also make a copy for yourself to keep, your teen to keep and a copy to put on the refrigerator to remind everyone. Remember, these rules will be a change for both of you so don’t be surprised if it takes you some time to get use to these rules and use them on a regular basis. Change usually never occurs over night and some people have difficulty with change.

While these rules are beneficial for parents and teenagers, these rules are also useful for couples too. Very few people in our society were brought up learning how to clearly communicate. Just look at how many arguments occur due to miscommunication if you need proof. For couples I would recommend the same steps as parents and teens. First sit down and go over the rules so you both have the same understanding of the rules and keep a copy for yourselves. The next time you have a disagreement practice using these rules. Keep practicing until you become comfortable using these rules. This way the entire family can start using these rules and hopefully improve communication within the family.

Fair Fighting Rules

1. Before you begin, ask yourself why you feel upset.

Are you truly angry because your partner left the mustard on the counter? Or are you upset because you feel like you’re doing an uneven share of the housework, and this is just one more piece of evidence? Take time to think about your own feelings before starting an argument.

2. Discuss one issue at a time.

“You shouldn’t be spending so much money without talking to me” can quickly turn into “You don’t care about our family”. Now you need to resolve two problems instead of one. Plus, when an argument starts to get off topic, it can easily become about everything a person has ever done wrong. We’ve all done a lot wrong, so this can be especially cumbersome.

3. No degrading language.

Discuss the issue, not the person. No put-downs, swearing, or name-calling. Degrading language is an attempt to express negative feelings while making sure your partner feels just as bad. This will just lead to more character attacks while the original issue is forgotten.

4. Express your feelings with words and take responsibility for them.

“I feel angry.” “I feel hurt when you ignore my phone calls.” “I feel scared when you yell.” These are good ways to express how you feel. Starting with “I” is a good technique to help you take responsibility for your feelings (no, you can’t say whatever you want as long as it starts with “I”).

5. Take turns talking.

This can be tough, but be careful not to interrupt. If this rule is difficult to follow, try setting a timer allowing 1 minute for each person to speak without interruption. Don’t spend your partner’s minute thinking about what you want to say. Listen!

6. No stonewalling.

Sometimes, the easiest way to respond to an argument is to retreat into your shell and refuse to speak. This refusal to communicate is called stonewalling. You might feel better temporarily, but the original issue will remain unresolved and your partner will feel more upset. If you absolutely cannot go on, tell your partner you need to take a time-out. Agree to resume the discussion later.

7. No yelling.

Sometimes arguments are “won” by being the loudest, but the problem only gets worse.

8. Take a time-out if things get too heated.

In a perfect world we would all follow these rules 100% of the time, but it just doesn’t work like that. If an argument starts to become personal or heated, take a time-out. Agree on a time to come back and discuss the problem after everyone has cooled down.

9. Attempt to come to a compromise or an understanding.

There isn’t always a perfect answer to an argument. Life is just too messy for that. Do your best to come to a compromise (this will mean some give and take from both sides). If you can’t come to a compromise, merely understanding can help soothe negative feelings.

Again, this might seem simple to some people, but communication problems are one of the biggest problems I encounter as a psychotherapist. We simply don’t educate children about clear communication, which creates problems when these children become adults and try to talk with each other. So don’t be embarrassed or assume you do not need help in this area. Simply read the rules and try them in your life and see what happens.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience and he specializes in treating teenagers, children and families. For more information regarding his work or private practice visit his website at www.rubinocounseling.com or his Facebook page at www.facebook.com/Drrubino3 or follow him on Twitter @RubinoFamily.

The quarantine and domestic violence

The quarantine and domestic violence

The isolation of the quarantine can exacerbate mental health issues such as anxiety & depression. People are cut off from their normal support system such as psychotherapy and this can trigger their mental health issues. Another issue is Domestic violence victims, stuck at home, are at risk during coronavirus pandemic. The victim is isolated with the abuser who may use the isolation to increase their control over the person. Also being isolated can cause the perpetrator to become anxious and out of control of life so they turn to domestic violence again to help them feel empowered again. If you know someone at risk call and checkin on them. If you do not receive an answer or the conversation seems odd to you, call your local police and ask them to do a safety check. Explain why you are asking for the safety check so the officers know what to look for. You may be saving a life.

I have included a link to an article which will explain in more detail why the quarantine places victims of domestic violence at risk. https://www.cnn.com/2020/03/27/health/domestic-violence-coronavirus-wellness-trnd/index.html.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating teenagers and children and victims of trauma. For more information about his work or private practice visit his website http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page at http://www.Facebook.com/drrubino3.

The Least Restrictive Environment

The Least Restrictive Environment

Many schools are currently closed due to the coronavirus, however they can still have IEP meetings or the meeting will resume when school resumes. This will give parents time to prepare for their IEP meetings. An IEP refers to an Individualized Educational Plan that the parents and school agree upon to help a student who is having difficulties learning at school. This plan is a legal agreement which states the school environment and accommodations a child needs in order to benefit from their education. Unfortunately not all schools tell parents about all of their rights they have at their child’s IEP meetings (Individualized Educational Plan). Also they do not fully explain all the terms. This creates a great deal of confusion and anxiety for parents. Typically any time I write an article regarding IEPs, I receive emails from parents across the country asking if they are being treated fairly in their IEP meetings.

A common term that is used at IEP meetings is Least Restrictive Environment. At times this term is used to deny a child services. Parents may be asking about Resource Assistance or a Special Day Class and the school may say the Resource Room is not an option because it is not the least restrictive environment. They may insist that the child be placed in a general educational classroom. In other words, the typical classroom people think about when they think of a classroom. However, placing a child in a general education classroom or school is not always the least restrictive environment. Also schools and at times parents may worry about how much inclusion their child will be receiving with the proposed IEP.

Inclusion refers to providing children, who need special educational services, access to the general educational atmosphere and students. However, this is not always the least restrictive environment for your child. The least restrictive environment is the environment in which your child will benefit the most from their education. This may not always be a general education classroom. Remember, least restrictive refers to the environment where your child has the least amount of difficulties learning so they can benefit fully from their education. Therefore, a Special Educational Classroom may be the least restrictive environment for your child depending on their educational needs. If they will benefit more from their education in a Special Day Classroom then that is the least restrictive environment for your child.

This can be a confusing term to understand especially since most people have been lead to believe that inclusion is the same thing as the least restrictive environment. I have included a link to a video which further explains this term. I strongly recommend you watch it so you have a clear understanding of what least restrictive environment refers to and what inclusion refers to https://youtu.be/I7HFRF8y288.

Dr. Michael Rubino is a psychotherapist with over 20 years experience treating children and teenagers in Special Education. He often assists parents with IEPs and school accommodations. For more information about Dr. Rubino’s work or private practice visit his websites www.RubinoCounseling.com, his Facebook page www.Facebook.com/drrubino3 or www.LucasCenter.org.

Could My Child have ADHD?

Could My Child have ADHD?

School is now in its second semester and many parents are tired about fighting over homework or telephone calls from school that their child is being disruptive in class again. The school or family members may be suggesting to parents that the child has ADHD and needs medication. Many parents are not sure about the diagnosis and they are concerned about their child taking ADHD medication. I hear this very often from parents and do many assessments on children to determine if a child has ADHD. Yes ADHD is a really disorder, but too many teachers and schools rush to the conclusion that a child has ADHD and needs medication.

According to statistics by the American Psychological Association, five percent of children in the United States have ADHD. It is also more common in males and it does tend to run in families. According to the CDC 15.9% of boys and 5.6% of girls have ADHD. However, not every child who has ADHD requires medication. Many children can be treated with psychotherapy and behavior modification. Therefore, if your child is diagnosed with ADHD do not rush to medicate your child. There are different subtypes of ADHD and different severities of the diagnosis.

If you child does have ADHD, they are entitled to accommodations such as extra time taking a test. It’s important to get them the accommodations they need. Children who have ADHD, but do not receive accommodations tend to show signs of low self-esteem around the fifth grade. These would be covered by a 504 plan. However, if your child has severe ADHD and needs resource assistance too, they are entitled to an Individual Educational Plan (IEP). Many schools may tell parents ADHD does not qualify for an IEP. This is not true. The severity of the ADHD determines if a child needs an IEP. They would qualify under the categories of Emotional Disturbance or Other Health Impairments.

If you feel your child may have ADHD or their school suggests the idea, make sure you have your child appropriately assessed by a professional who specializes in ADHD. In the past schools would often diagnosis children with ADHD. Schools are no longer supposed to make this diagnosis. If they feel a child might have ADHD, they are supposed to have your child evaluated. Many parents take their child to their pediatrician, however, many pediatricians are not trained in diagnosing ADHD. I would suggest having your child evaluated by a mental health clinician trained in working with children and in assessing for ADHD.

As I stated above, if you are going to have your child evaluated for ADHD, make sure you take your child to a mental health clinician who specializes in children and in doing assessments. The assessment for ADHD is not very difficult and an appropriate evaluation by an appropriate mental health clinician should cost around $250 depending on where you live. I have seen some parents who have spent thousands of dollars getting CT scans, MRIs and PET scans. You do not need an expensive scan of your child’s brian to diagnosis ADHD.

The DSM V, the diagnostic manual that mental health clinicians use, list the criteria needed for the diagnosis. I am including a link to the Center for Disease Control which list the criteria for the diagnosis and other information about ADHD, http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/diagnosis.html. Typically the diagnosis can be made by a clinician interviewing the parents, having a play session or two with the child and observing the child at school or consulting with the teachers. However, remember if you are going to have your child evaluated for ADHD, you want a mental health clinician who specializes in treating children and assessing children for ADHD. Your child’s pedestrian should be able to refer you to someone or if you call your insurance they will probably have referrals.

Before you rush to have your child assessed, remember some basic facts. Most children between the ages of two to five are very active. They also have very short attention spans. Sometimes you need to give a child some time to mature especially if you have a boy. Remember boys mature slower than girls and tend to be more active than girls. It is important to keep these facts in mind when you are wondering if your child has ADHD.

Now if you child is more hyperactive than other kids his age or his attention span is shorter than most kids his age, there might be an issue. Also if there is a strong family history of ADHD in the family such as his father had ADHD as a child and paternal and maternal uncles all had ADHD as children, there might be an issue. Also if your child was born premature or there were complications during the pregnancy or child birth, there might be an issue. Premature babies or babies with a difficult pregnancy or birth are more likely to have ADHD and learning disabilities.

Bottom line, if someone suggests that your child has ADHD don’t rush to the pedestrian seeking medication. Compare your child’s behavior to other children and consider the risk factors. If your child doesn’t have many risk factors for ADHD maybe wait six months and reassess the situation. The most important thing to remember is if you decide to have your child assessed for ADHD, make sure you go to a mental health clinician who specializes in children and ADHD. You want a mental health clinician who specializes in treating children with ADHD and assessing children for ADHD. Also remember you do not need any expensive scans like a CT scan. There are other treatment options besides medication, so do not rush to medicate your child either. Consider all the treatment options.

Dr. Michael Rubino specializes in treating children and assessing children. He has over 20 years experience treating and assessing children and teenagers. For more information about Dr. Michael Rubino’s work visit his websites at http://www.rcs-ca.com, http://www.RubinoCounseling.com or his Facebook page http://www.Facebook.com/Drrubino3